Remaining single

[Deleted member 36028]

So I appreciate the next monologue will have a fair few cliches in it, but these concerns have the issues of cptsd attached to them so I feel they are slightly more nauanced as a result.

8 months ago I came out of a five year relationship. As someone recovering from CPTSD I feel like I handled it well although I am still processing the loss everyday and pretty much think about my ex everyday. I don't know how normal this is, but I am reminding myself that like other losses it will take time. Although it has the potential to be mutual and we were heading towards a breakup my ex ended up cheating on me and lying about it in the final stages. They are still to admit to this despite the fact I hacked into their account and admitted to this. I am more hurt by this betrayal then the breakup itself, which had been on the table for several months beforehand. Suffice to say this has added fuel to cptsd symptoms of not being good enough and of being betrayed. So I am kinda having to rebuild this part as well.
I suppose my issue is will i ever find anyone. I am someone who finds it extremely hard to make the first move and distances people pretty quickly. I have been on some dates since the break up but friend zone people pretty quickly. Before this relationship I hadn't had one and so I don't feel I have much experience. What's more i find now I am 30 people have for the most part settled down or there just aren't the social gatherings. I genuinely feel I am too closed a person to find someone else and to attract anyone.
The break up have me clarity in what I wanted. A family and a partner. I am gay and so feel both these things come with additional barriers that my age further hinders. I feel like I have to accept that I will be single for the rest of my life. I know that's a cliches thing to say but considering I find it difficult to get close to people and open up and my first relationship was not until I was 25 I just don't feel like there is much hope for me now.

 

[Kubash16]

Could you try making new friends first? Like using meetup.com or events and adventures?

 

[PerfectEmpire]

8 months out of a 5 year long relationship that did not end well is pretty early! I would give myself more time before I seriously considered dating again. I think with C/PTSD and the betrayal of cheating, this is not a normal breakup and so the usual timeline (whatever that is) for feeling better and dating again might not apply. I'm surprised you've already been on a few dates. It definitely sounds like you might need more time.

I can relate to the concerns/speculation about being forever single!

When I find myself panicking about the possibility of being single the rest of my life, I remind myself of the following facts (may or may not work for others, but they help me):

(1) I am super busy managing my PTSD symptoms and living my life. I can barely keep up with myself and the few people I am close to, let alone the demands and emotions of a lover at this time.

(2) A lover/partner is a whole other person with an emotional life of their own. Do I have the bandwidth for that right now?

(3) Am I even interested in other people's thoughts/emotions/dreams/dramas/lives at this time? Do I truly have the desire to get to know another person so deeply, or am I just looking to make myself feel better?

(4) Why fix something that isn't broken? I am already living a rich and fulfilling life, with meaningful relationships, without a lover/partner.

(5) I am not as alone as I think I am. I am not as needy or helpless as I sometimes feel. It is scary, but I will be okay.

(6) I am not into using other people as a band-aid for my loneliness or lust or any other 'need' -- especially when I do not have the emotional bandwidth to meet their complex and challenging needs while still taking care of myself. If I date right now, I would not have much to give, but a lot to take, and to have someone in a sexual or romantic relationship who just gives while I just take is not a dynamic that would be satisfying to me.

(7) An intimate relationship must be a two-way street, and right now one of my lanes is closed, and that's because we're (me and my parts) still cleaning up from the accident. It was a big, serious accident and it's okay that it's taking a long time. And when that lane re-opens, it is going to feel scary and awkward at first, but driving it will feel safer over time, though never quite the same, especially in the spot where the accident happened.

(8) I am sensitive and there is nothing wrong with that. It is better to be highly selective and potentially solo than to end up getting emotionally battered again. The anxiety of being alone is nothing compared to the pain of another abusive/bad relationship.

(9) People change and sometimes suddenly so, and can leave abruptly after decades of shared life together. There is no 100% safe, reliable relationship. Period. People have free will and sometimes act erratically. Therefore, the only safe time to start a new a relationship is when I'm not in need of a relationship. This way I won't feel trapped with someone who is bad for my health. I will more easily leave a toxic person if my life was already fulfilling without a partner. And even if the partner leaves me decades later, I will have a fully developed sense of self without them that I can remember!

I've been contemplating not dating or marrying again after all that I've been through, but I trust that it will be worth it to be open in the end. It's not that I have faith in people, but it's that I have faith in my ability to be discerning and to leave a bad situation as soon as I realize that it is bad. It sucks that so many people are unreliable and betray our trust, but unless I put myself out there at least a little bit, I will not ever get to know anyone. I get to choose where I place my trust. Even if I make a mistake, I will forgive myself.

I no longer look at it as, "Who can take care of me?" or "Who can make it so I am not alone?" or even "Who am I interested in who is interested in me?" I am starting to look at it as, "I have a lot to offer and surely there are others out there who do as well. I want to do the work to create a reliable and meaningful relationship. Do they? If so, do we share the same values?" I would rather be alone than with someone who does not share my values (which include trust and integrity).

 

[Justmehere]

30 is way too young to decide on remaining to be single for the rest of your life. There are plenty of people who find a partner into their 70s. Online dating might be worth looking into. Remaining single for now and building up friendships seems seems ok too, if that’s what you want to do.