Getting only partial accounts of what happened
I am wondering if anyone has noticed this or how it has affected them.
Last year I was at uni. I saw a girl from my old school, old group of friends who I’d been friends with when an incident occurred (still can’t use the word properly, I’m sorry, mixed feelings). I had cut contact with this group of friends. I’ve seen them over the years but it never triggered me. But for someone reason this day led to my downfall. Maybe because I was actually doing so well. I was partially recovered from bulimia. I guess my brain was ‘ready’ to face things? I started getting flashbacks. But they were only bits and pieces. So I forgot things that were important. From the bits and pieces I got, I didn’t see the big picture. I deduced that I was evil, had the most amazing guilt and became suicidal. Saw a doctor, started therapy. When I first went to see her I was shaking cos I was so scared of her reaction. When I first told her what happened, obviously I told her a version that wasn’t true! Straight after therapy I remember some crucial and had to call her the next morning to say ‘I think I’ve been a bit harsh on myself’ and she laughed and agreed (I was convinced she was going to call the police. So I had to tell her before she did...very paranoid). Memories started coming back that disputed that I was evil. It was like ‘hang on, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED’. But still the sense that I am a bad person, a guilty person (even thought I handled the situation badly when looking at it factually so there is some basis for that...but a lot of what I did was out of fear, not to ‘play the victim’.) hasn’t gone away. Even when I have flashbacks now, I revert back to the evil feeling and I have to reread my checklist of things that actually happened so I remind myself that I’m thinking in extremes and not seeing the whole picture.
I also over-identify with people and can get quite delusional. Last year there was a horrible tragic accident where two teenage boys were drag racing on a main road, and crashed and a guy died. The other guy is facing charges. I read that and although I have never done drag racing OR AM A GUY, I compared myself to him. In fact I felt that I was him. It was so strange. I felt incredibly guilty for something I hadn’t done. In the very early days I watched a doco about a murderer in Australia and thought I was worse than him. Then I managed, and this probably sounds really horrible, to think hmmm...he managed to live with myself? I guess I will have to as well... if it’s possible for someone to do bad things and live with it... why can’t i??
Anyway just wondering how people have dealt with this? it’s like some of my ptsd symptoms occurred because I had forgotten huge chunks of what happened and even though I can logically dispute it my emotions don’t co-operate!
I am wondering if anyone has noticed this or how it has affected them.
Last year I was at uni. I saw a girl from my old school, old group of friends who I’d been friends with when an incident occurred (still can’t use the word properly, I’m sorry, mixed feelings). I had cut contact with this group of friends. I’ve seen them over the years but it never triggered me. But for someone reason this day led to my downfall. Maybe because I was actually doing so well. I was partially recovered from bulimia. I guess my brain was ‘ready’ to face things? I started getting flashbacks. But they were only bits and pieces. So I forgot things that were important. From the bits and pieces I got, I didn’t see the big picture. I deduced that I was evil, had the most amazing guilt and became suicidal. Saw a doctor, started therapy. When I first went to see her I was shaking cos I was so scared of her reaction. When I first told her what happened, obviously I told her a version that wasn’t true! Straight after therapy I remember some crucial and had to call her the next morning to say ‘I think I’ve been a bit harsh on myself’ and she laughed and agreed (I was convinced she was going to call the police. So I had to tell her before she did...very paranoid). Memories started coming back that disputed that I was evil. It was like ‘hang on, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED’. But still the sense that I am a bad person, a guilty person (even thought I handled the situation badly when looking at it factually so there is some basis for that...but a lot of what I did was out of fear, not to ‘play the victim’.) hasn’t gone away. Even when I have flashbacks now, I revert back to the evil feeling and I have to reread my checklist of things that actually happened so I remind myself that I’m thinking in extremes and not seeing the whole picture.
I also over-identify with people and can get quite delusional. Last year there was a horrible tragic accident where two teenage boys were drag racing on a main road, and crashed and a guy died. The other guy is facing charges. I read that and although I have never done drag racing OR AM A GUY, I compared myself to him. In fact I felt that I was him. It was so strange. I felt incredibly guilty for something I hadn’t done. In the very early days I watched a doco about a murderer in Australia and thought I was worse than him. Then I managed, and this probably sounds really horrible, to think hmmm...he managed to live with myself? I guess I will have to as well... if it’s possible for someone to do bad things and live with it... why can’t i??
Anyway just wondering how people have dealt with this? it’s like some of my ptsd symptoms occurred because I had forgotten huge chunks of what happened and even though I can logically dispute it my emotions don’t co-operate!
