littlelion
Bronze Member
It happens from time to time. It's annoying, but also hard, I don't know how to deal with it.
When something reminds me of the past (the bad things, the abuse) I fall apart. And it doesn't have to be that big really, it can be something really tiny, something that I think most people wouldn't even think about it.
Yesterday, I asked mom if she could help me with my homework for tomorrow. She said yes, but then we both forgot about it. When it was about time to go to bed, I said to her, "you forgot to help me", and I guess I shouldn't have put it that way, when I said it to her it sounded as if it was her responsibility/fault. Then she said, "Yeah, I should have done it", in a special kind of voice. That kind of attitude that just... reminds me so much of the bad things.
At that point, I felt like hitting her, or myself (I shouldn't have hit her, it would have been me), break something or whatever. It made me so angry. I think it was because she made me feel powerless. There wasn't really anything that I could do about what she had said, I couldn't get away from the feelings. That's a big trigger for me, not being able to do anything about it. I jumped up and down and kind of screamed at her. Of course she got annoyed and wondered why I got so upset over such a little thing, it wasn't like she had actually done something (I guess that's what she thought). I said she was an idiot and the next second I said I was sorry. We went to my room and she helped me with the homework, and I tried to forget about all that had just happened.
It's just really hard. I know that mom didn't mean to be mean to me or anything, but when things happens that reminds me of the past, I don't know what to do. It makes me feel stupid to react in such away over a thing like that. It could be something like someone having a special attitude (like the "I don't care"-attitude), a way of looking at someone, the sound of their voice... it makes me want to hurt myself, or just break something. It makes me feel scared and I don't know how to deal with it. At other times when there's something reminding me of the past, I get anxiety.
A thought that I have is that an alter of mine is trying to get their feelings out. Like, being angry. I didn't get angry at my abuser, but maybe now that things are different and I can get angry... I don't know. I just feel like there are a lot of feelings that are inside that I haven't let out. In the situation I described above, I feel like I got angry over something that most people wouldn't (?), like I got too angry, it didn't fit the situation.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I feel alone in this. Any advices or thoughts? It's all very much appreciated
When something reminds me of the past (the bad things, the abuse) I fall apart. And it doesn't have to be that big really, it can be something really tiny, something that I think most people wouldn't even think about it.
Yesterday, I asked mom if she could help me with my homework for tomorrow. She said yes, but then we both forgot about it. When it was about time to go to bed, I said to her, "you forgot to help me", and I guess I shouldn't have put it that way, when I said it to her it sounded as if it was her responsibility/fault. Then she said, "Yeah, I should have done it", in a special kind of voice. That kind of attitude that just... reminds me so much of the bad things.
At that point, I felt like hitting her, or myself (I shouldn't have hit her, it would have been me), break something or whatever. It made me so angry. I think it was because she made me feel powerless. There wasn't really anything that I could do about what she had said, I couldn't get away from the feelings. That's a big trigger for me, not being able to do anything about it. I jumped up and down and kind of screamed at her. Of course she got annoyed and wondered why I got so upset over such a little thing, it wasn't like she had actually done something (I guess that's what she thought). I said she was an idiot and the next second I said I was sorry. We went to my room and she helped me with the homework, and I tried to forget about all that had just happened.
It's just really hard. I know that mom didn't mean to be mean to me or anything, but when things happens that reminds me of the past, I don't know what to do. It makes me feel stupid to react in such away over a thing like that. It could be something like someone having a special attitude (like the "I don't care"-attitude), a way of looking at someone, the sound of their voice... it makes me want to hurt myself, or just break something. It makes me feel scared and I don't know how to deal with it. At other times when there's something reminding me of the past, I get anxiety.
A thought that I have is that an alter of mine is trying to get their feelings out. Like, being angry. I didn't get angry at my abuser, but maybe now that things are different and I can get angry... I don't know. I just feel like there are a lot of feelings that are inside that I haven't let out. In the situation I described above, I feel like I got angry over something that most people wouldn't (?), like I got too angry, it didn't fit the situation.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I feel alone in this. Any advices or thoughts? It's all very much appreciated
