So I've been trying and failing to reply for days now. I'm going to just heavily rely on you all because there are so many things in this thread that touched me.
I no longer beat myself up for not shouting louder or for not putting enough effort in to stop it, but it's such a secret that I never talk about
I almost never talk to anyone explicitly about how often (particularly in my couple of long term situations) I was just gone and limp. When almost everyone's first reaction is "why didn't you scream?" or "if that happened to me I'd just kick him in the balls and run" how are you supposed to have that conversation?
First, my boundaries were completely missing. So I'd let really wrong people in too close. Then I'd say "No" and fight a little to keep my pants but turn into a dead fish within a few seconds.
I never gave consent, but I gave up fighting. And until recently I wouldn't allow myself to call it rape because I didn't fight to the death or scream or hurt him in some way
I think that this for me is that I was raped and beaten repeatedly when I was a teenager. And further than that, reprogrammed. They wanted compliance. They wanted quiet, and no hysterics or crying. They wanted someone sweet who would smile. If pain was the goal and fists or knives had come out, struggling would only fuel them. If they were 'just' interested in using me sexually, then any sort of reaction would lead into a beating in addition to the rape. So I learned quickly that freezing is a way of maintaining safety as soon as any threat is directed toward me.
There is a very definite line for me. Up to that line, I will protest, maybe even raise my voice or fight depending on the situation. Beyond that line the flip is switched and it's not even a choice, I just shut down.
I hate to say that there is something of a learning curve... But for me, at least, there was something of a learning curve.
This struck me. One of my friends when I disclosed my last attack made a comment along the lines of "But you've dealt with that before, so it's not like it's so bad". I had the intellectual capacity to be offended. But emotionally and experientially it's sort of true. I have been asked recently how I even manage to be alone with friends (my best friend drugged and attacked me a few years ago) and my response was basically that I reasonably trust the individual in question wouldn't intend to kill me. Anything else I can survive. It's odd- it's at once one of my deepest fears that I will be in that situation again and almost like armor. I know that I've survived it before, so if it happens again I guess I assume I can again.
I spaced out during sex with boyfriends after that...and was usually dumped for it, so the terrible feelings didn't quit.
After that I also dissociated during normal sex, and like you I had no name for it until now.
This. This is one of the most frustrating things, especially since I seem to keep seeking a sexual experience that's positive in specific ways and failing to find it. And I also have been dumped over my dissociation during sex. Or it was used as an opportunity for unleashing anger and abuse. Or my lack of interest in sex because of fear and avoidance was used against me later. Or any number of things. In some relationships the unspoken compromise has been that I don't have to enjoy it or be an active participant, I just have to put up with it for him. Other times because of the emotional abuse I know will occur it's meant I have to put on the mask and even to force myself to initiate, when the thought of it makes me physically ill. All those wonderful learned survival skills. And nevermind the awful instances where you've initiated and then things go wrong in the middle. The repercussions for trying to stop something that's already begun, even with a well meaning partner, are just not worth my personal comfort. I've wondered on more than one occasion whether I'm just to broken to continue to seek a partner despite all the growth I've managed in my healing.
