I don't seem to have the will to make the leap of faith.
For obvious reasons, I think about this replaying issue a lot. And I'm gonna put it out there that you're underestimating yourself here.
The leap of faith - that there is recovery in your future, that people advising you to stop harming, and start healing, are coming from a place of informed, educated compassion and understanding - is, in a way, already one that you made.
You made the decision to heal already. You wouldn't have come this far if it were otherwise.
The reality is, though, that having made the decision to heal, it doesn't all suddenly just go miraculous and marvellous for the rest of time. There are things that come up along the way that are frightening, terribly sad, confronting, infuriating... Every time we get met with those strong emotions, it can challenge that decision we already made. What if I can't do this? What if it doesn't get better? What if...?
This is a roadblock. This trauma re-enactment will stagnate your healing. Because it's that damaging. But, you don't need to make a whole new leap of faith with "Maybe I'll try the recovery thing", all you need to do is recognise that some really huge life stressors (like selling your home) came up, and you were struck by the tragedy of losing doggo, who was probably one of the best family members you've ever had, and actually, you still want to do the recovery thing even though life steered you off course for a while.
With that in mind, rethinking my ideas about setting new rules, what if you tried something like:
Before I communicate with G, I will pull out a picture of the beloved pet that I recently lost, and acknowledge that I'm still incredibly sad about that, and I still miss him an awful lot.
I still think that grief is a big reason that this replaying thing has become the mega issue that it has for you at this particular time for a reason. It's not a spontaneous wave of all new self-destruction.
I truly believe that there's an immense amount of grief that is still running its course (and of course it is, because your dog
was that special). If you were to make a point of acknowledging that grief whenever you feel the urge to SH and communicate with this new abuser, pulling out those pictures and connecting with that grief, maybe it will help your brain not only process some of that pain, loss, and sadness, but also (potentially) realise, on that really core inner level, that G is not a replacement for your lost friend. Doesn't come close, never will.
You need time to grieve. Allowing yourself to do that is incredibly important. And yeah, grief is messy and painful, but avoiding it? Just isn't right.
Like with me losing my Grandad? I
hate still being such a mess about it. It's not just inconvenient, it's painful. But the alternative, not allowing myself to even acknowledge how much I miss him? Nah, he
deserves to be grieved, properly and fully.
Your doggo deserves that too. And when you're ready to move on, you're not going to replace doggo with an abusive prick, you're going to replace him with a new pup that will bring light to your life, and you to his in return.
