Reporting Your Abuser - How Do You Muster Up The Courage?

[shimmerz]

@gizmo, you are a very very brave woman. What a horror to have gone through.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you, I was terrified but so intent on exposing my father. It was so scary, I was so grateful that I was believed and helped. I did not get justice but it scared my father and he ran far away.

 

[shimmerz]

@gizmo - soooooo worth it!

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@shimmerz thank you for saying that. It means a lot.

@gizmo thank you for sharing your story. What you did is so brave. Really, I admire your courage and strength.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So I found this on the internet: the three stages of acquaintance rape

1. Intrusion- Attempt by the offender to violate the victim's personal space and level of comfort. May draw close by revealing personal information or through "accidental" touches and stares.

He did all of the above, making me feel uneasy, but he was subtle enough as to not scare me away.

2. Desensitization- Occurs when the victim feels comfortable with the offender and has come to regard intrusive actions as no longer or, at least less, threatening. The victim of the desensitization may feel uneasy but convinces himself or herself that the feeling is unfounded.

That last sentence. That's exactly how I felt.

3. Isolation- The offender uses the victim's trust to isolate him or her from others.

"Wanna see my room?"

Though it's painful to see these things, I'm glad to have found this little checklist. It helps me take myself seriously.

I do feel like he had the whole thing planned. He had this really scary grin on his face while he raped me (well, he did right before and those few times I opened my eyes). And the verbal humiliation after.. he said that now that he'd "had" me, I was no longer interesting to him. But I "shouldn't worry about it". And he was grinning again. He was so proud of himself.

Sorry, I just really wanted to get this off my chest.

 

[shimmerz]

I still find it very hard to put the blame on the rapist, as I've felt responsible for what happened ever since that day. I still make excuses for him, like "well I wasn't screaming", "I didn't literally say 'no'", and "perhaps he didn't realise I didn't want it", even though my trying to physically push him away,

Ahhh @Snowwhite, I am so glad that it could help. Now let's go here. If you look up tonic immobility during rape you will see (although maybe not be able to take in right away) the body's natural reaction to being overwhelmed physically by someone. Your body's reaction was driven by a will to survive - it was not because you did not want it to be happening. Please, when you feel ready, look up tonic immobility and rape on google as it will help you to understand that you did NOT consent and you could NOT have done better. Your body clicked into this mode as a survival reaction.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Please, when you feel ready, look up tonic immobility and rape on google as it will help you to understand that you did NOT consent and you could NOT have done better. Your body clicked into this mode as a survival reaction.

Thank you so much for this. That was exactly my reaction. At first I tried to push him away and turn away but soon I fell into that state. I just froze. I just did what I thought I had to do in order for it to be over as quickly as possible. That does not mean I consented.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with you Snow. I too had the experience of being frozen. I later on took a self defense class called model mugging where the men had body armor, padded and we engaged in actual attacks and the words that come from such attacks. It so empowered me and I have grown so much more assertive as a result.

I was date raped at fourteen and I froze. I was so devastated after words and I had no one to talk to about it so I carried the blame and shame for years before I realized what really happened.

No you did not give your consent at all. You were violated by one who knew exactly what he was doing to you. I hope the day will come for you when you finally work through the pain and agony of what happened to you and find real peace at last. You will never forget what happened.

I was groomed by my father to be the perfect victim and it seems so many predators found me.

I no longer carry the blame and shame. I have put it back on the people who violated me as a teenager and also my father who trained me to be the perfect victim.

I wish you so well in your healing and recovery.

 

[shimmerz]

No you did not give your consent at all. You were violated by one who knew exactly what he was doing to you.

And the problem is that people like this don't lean towards shame. And our system puts victims in further jeopardy of being blamed/shamed. We have come a ways with this rape thing in the courts. They rarely blatantly say that it was the woman's fault for wearing provocative clothing or being pretty (I think?????) - maybe not. But people who are groomed to be victims are also groomed to take on the responsibility of being victimized. It is bullshit.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I so agree with you shimmerz. It is so hard to work through such violations and it is bullshit. I wasted so many years of my process feeling the shame and self blame and false guilt. All lies. I do not do that anymore.