I want to vent but have no one to vent to in person. If this is not allowed please delete.
I have been working on shrinking my inner and outer critic, inner being the critic of myself and outer being the critic of others. This critic was created by my mother's abuse.
Shrinking my critic involves a lot of convincing myself that my boyfriend is not cheating on me. I have shown improvement but am not perfect.
I digress. I am focusing on being my "authentic" self without having to be hypervigilant or self-critical. Well my boyfriend understands that I like to spend time with him. During the work week or whenever he or I am unavailable I keep my phone calls to once or twice a day. When we are off work and are available (no plans with friends/fam) we hang out all night and all day together at his house. I don't think that routine is too clingy imo.
Well one night, I guess I might have called one too many times but he became upset. He was in a good mood all day and then he just switched. I realized nothing I said would make anything better so I politely said goodnight and got off the phone. He said he was upset because I kept calling even though we had just spent the day together (which was not true. His definition of spending time together is diff than mine.) He spent the day outside, I spent it inside. That's not spending time together in my book. But I digress again. He was upset I called him one too many times. Ok I said goodnight and hang up.
This is all after he tells me he understands my "neediness" and allows me to call him whenever, no judgment. If he can answer he will, if he's busy, he'll call me back. Cool. Well apparently that's changed, idk.
The next day he went to work. He usually calls me afterwards. He did not. I waited all day to talk to him. Talking to him is, in fact, the highlight of my day.
I call him instead. I get upset because he has been off work and hasn't called me and was not going to call because "I was mad at him last night so he was giving me space". Wtf? I wasn't the one that was mad, HE was the one mad.
I told him I wish he'd call me more, does he even think about me. He said all I wanted to do was fight. So I dropped it. He stayed on the phone with me, even called me back when I asked him (I always have to ASK him, he WILL NOT just do and I can't roll my eyes back far enough in my head).
Context: He has PTSD as well as I. His is different than mine. He does not receive treatment for his. He is under the impression if he just ignores it long enough, it will go away.
During the time I stayed on the phone with him, I realized his not calling had nothing to do with me. He was in a state of being angry and pissed off at the world and just wanted to be left alone. He was short, rude, careless, cold. And his lack of reaching out threw me into a flashback because I was abandoned several times as a child. Now I'm pissed off.
I want to be understanding towards him nut I'm always the one giving room for others negative emotions, allowing others to be human but no one tolerates negative emotions from me. He just tells me if I'm feeling down "ok I'll talk to you tomorrow". No I want him to sit with me like I sit with him. Who is willing to be there for my pretty moments and the ugly ones? I'm always expected to just get it together because "no one deserves to be mistreated for what other people have done to me". Well he does not have that same expectation placed on him.
If you read all that, thank you. I want to vent and get advise that is geared toward keeping my relationship with my boyfriend intact.
I have been working on shrinking my inner and outer critic, inner being the critic of myself and outer being the critic of others. This critic was created by my mother's abuse.
Shrinking my critic involves a lot of convincing myself that my boyfriend is not cheating on me. I have shown improvement but am not perfect.
I digress. I am focusing on being my "authentic" self without having to be hypervigilant or self-critical. Well my boyfriend understands that I like to spend time with him. During the work week or whenever he or I am unavailable I keep my phone calls to once or twice a day. When we are off work and are available (no plans with friends/fam) we hang out all night and all day together at his house. I don't think that routine is too clingy imo.
Well one night, I guess I might have called one too many times but he became upset. He was in a good mood all day and then he just switched. I realized nothing I said would make anything better so I politely said goodnight and got off the phone. He said he was upset because I kept calling even though we had just spent the day together (which was not true. His definition of spending time together is diff than mine.) He spent the day outside, I spent it inside. That's not spending time together in my book. But I digress again. He was upset I called him one too many times. Ok I said goodnight and hang up.
This is all after he tells me he understands my "neediness" and allows me to call him whenever, no judgment. If he can answer he will, if he's busy, he'll call me back. Cool. Well apparently that's changed, idk.
The next day he went to work. He usually calls me afterwards. He did not. I waited all day to talk to him. Talking to him is, in fact, the highlight of my day.
I call him instead. I get upset because he has been off work and hasn't called me and was not going to call because "I was mad at him last night so he was giving me space". Wtf? I wasn't the one that was mad, HE was the one mad.
I told him I wish he'd call me more, does he even think about me. He said all I wanted to do was fight. So I dropped it. He stayed on the phone with me, even called me back when I asked him (I always have to ASK him, he WILL NOT just do and I can't roll my eyes back far enough in my head).
Context: He has PTSD as well as I. His is different than mine. He does not receive treatment for his. He is under the impression if he just ignores it long enough, it will go away.
During the time I stayed on the phone with him, I realized his not calling had nothing to do with me. He was in a state of being angry and pissed off at the world and just wanted to be left alone. He was short, rude, careless, cold. And his lack of reaching out threw me into a flashback because I was abandoned several times as a child. Now I'm pissed off.
I want to be understanding towards him nut I'm always the one giving room for others negative emotions, allowing others to be human but no one tolerates negative emotions from me. He just tells me if I'm feeling down "ok I'll talk to you tomorrow". No I want him to sit with me like I sit with him. Who is willing to be there for my pretty moments and the ugly ones? I'm always expected to just get it together because "no one deserves to be mistreated for what other people have done to me". Well he does not have that same expectation placed on him.
If you read all that, thank you. I want to vent and get advise that is geared toward keeping my relationship with my boyfriend intact.