Relationship Requesting Advice From Supporters From A Fiancee With Ptsd

[rainydaze]

I was diagnosed with PTSD six years ago, although I don't appreciate or use the term "sufferer." I have been living with my boyfriend for the past three years and we recently became engaged. I have a lot of low confidence because I feel like I fail in showing my fiancée how much I love and appreciate him.

Sometimes I think of all the crazy flashbacks and dissociative episodes he has had to live through with me, and I am at a lack for words as to why he stayed with me. Then I think about my agoraphobia. I refuse to run errands outside of the house and this has fallen on him for the past year. I know this has been burdensome, because he is also now our only breadwinner. When my agoraphobia became severe enough, I quit my job. So he works, attends university, runs all the household errands, and occasionally finds himself dealing with my crazy, all night emotional outbursts. I also socially isolate myself and I think he feels burdened to keep me company as well, at the expense of his own need for socialization.

Additionally, this man has listened, learned and adapted to my quirky behaviors, and taken less when I demanded more (I feel a need to protect myself so much that it's selfish). Furthermore, when I don't feel like getting up, he does the housekeeping and outside maintenance too.

Yet for me the worst of it is that I have intimacy issues and a limited ability to express loving emotions. He respects my boundaries, but we most certainly have gone through times where he doubted my sincerity and love for him.

I am working so hard to improve myself in so many ways. When I think of what my fiancée does for me while putting up with so much, I feel undeserving. This feeling causes me to lose confidence. I feel I do nothing for him. I'm sure I do something or another but I know I need to do more.

I am hoping supporters who relate to my fiancée (as described here) would give me their thoughts on what gestures, gifts, actions, or planned activities would mean the most for you to receive from your "sufferer." He doesn't ask me for anything, but I know that I am not a fulfilling partner and that becoming one won't happen overnight. I just don't know where to start in terms of my relationship, or what I can do to let him know I love him even if I don't show it. I would love any and all suggestions and I thank you for allowing me to come here to this forum and ask for a favor from ya'll.

 

[Snowangel1225]

The greatest gift you could give him is to get yourself help for your issues. Find a therapist, consider medication, do whatever you need to do to help yourself get better. By doing this, you will show him that you care about yourself, you care about him and you care about the relationship.

I fear that if you continue with the status quo, he will get burned out and resentful because he is doing all the work to keep the relationship going.

He should also seek therapy to help him cope with his enabling. The situation you have might be working for right this moment, but it's not healthy for either of you.

 

[rainydaze]

Thank you for your advice, @Snowangel1225

I have seen a therapist for six years and recently began a research study treatment for agoraphobia. I do this part right. But I break many "rules" set forth for PTSD recovery. I feel like your post has encouraged me to address why I allow myself to get away with bad coping mechanisms such as drinking when I don't want to feel or isolating myself when I should be engaging. I may have established a base for my recovery, but I am not utilizing it the way I should.

As for my partner, I have encouraged that he see a therapist. He has on occasion and seems uninterested in pursuing it further. I sent him the link to this website, however.

If you can think of anything else you wuld encourage me to do in order to relieve some amount of the burden of his responsibility, please let me know. Thanks and thanks again!

 

[amethist]

As [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/snowangel1225.21066/"]Snowangel1225[/DLMURL] said looking after yourself and working hard to get yourself to a healthy place, is the greatest gift you can give your partner.

If he can see that you are doing all you can to heal, it will help him in the long run.

 

[rainydaze]

Thank you, amethist. I needed to hear this. It keeps me on track.

 

[Snowangel1225]

why I allow myself to get away with bad coping mechanisms

Not to be harsh, but the thing I like best about this site is the brutal honesty. The reason you allow yourself to behave this way is because you can. Your bf enables you. I understand what you are dealing with is difficult, but you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone and he needs to stop doing everything for you.

I am an enabler myself. I am also a recovering co-dependent. Recently, I have joined an online Al-Anon group to help me with both issues. I grew up in an alcoholic/abusive home (mom & dad), was sexually and physically abused over a number of years as a child and allowed myself to be used and abused in adult relationship all because this was 'normal' for me. I took care of people and they used me because of it.

I am currently in a relationship with a fairly new recovering alcoholic with PTSD. He has had some set-backs with alcohol and I am learning that I cannot fix him and how not to enable him. I am detaching myself from his illness. For me, this means I will not allow myself to be used or abused in the interest of his recovery, I will not do for him what he can do for himself, I will not cover up his mistakes and I will not prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events. In other words, I am allowing him to be responsible for himself. This doesn't mean that I don't care about him, it simply means I am caring for myself and am empowering him to take care of himself.

Maybe a group like Al-Anon would be helpful to your bf?

 

[rainydaze]

@Snowangel1225 I don't mind a bit of harshness. I need to hear it. I am also capable of recognizing where my relationship with my fiancée differs from your experience, and so even if you say something frankly that is not accurate for my situation, I have no reason to take it personally. I can only be helped by being spoken to with such honest feeling as you have provided by allowing myself to experience what uncomfort it causes me. And yes, it is somewhat uncomfortable to hear your thoughts because it forces me to face the ways in which I have failed.

I want to let you know, however, that my low self-esteem has probably made me look a lot worse here then is really the case. I prefer blaming myself for my feelings rather than blaming him or anyone else. If I make him look like a saint in the process, it is only because of how much I appreciate him. For example, I have used alcohol at times when I should have dealt with my feelings instead. I do not drink frequently, and I frequently deal with my feelings instead. I also worked until I had saved up enough to pay all of our bills for a year without any income. As of the end of this month, that savings will have been spent. I haven't treated him as a free ride.

Does he enable me in other ways? Yes. Have I allowed myself to "take the easy route" on some things, knowing he would be there for me? Yes. For example, by allowing myself to withdraw because I don't want to socialize. Is it right of me to allow this codependency to occur? No. It's also not right that I've done this knowing that it affected his relationships as well.

In summary I am not so selfish as to take advantage of him all the time; and I feel like I ought to tell you this because what I came here to seek was mainly advice on how to move forward with showing love, care, and romantic feelings. I am six years out of the gate. I am still not perfect but I am ready to work on my relationship, which is an area I haven't worked on satisfactorily.

I don't even know how it would feel to be close to someone emotionally and so I don't know how to start. I know that he has told me that he feels loved when my actions are loving. When it's been so long since I've even understood the idea of loving action, I don't know what is going to be progress towards achieving that. I don't know what will show him that I'm intent on achieving this.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Just to be clear, I am not insinuating that you are an alcoholic. I think detaching can and should be used for dealing with a multitude of illnesses and issues. But, to be fair, using alcohol to self medicate instead of dealing with your feelings is a definite red flag. It is alcohol abuse and you don't need to be a fall-down drunk daily user to be an alcoholic.

I also worked until I had saved up enough to pay all of our bills for a year without any income.

This statement confuses me. You planned ahead to isolate for a year?

 

[rainydaze]

The statement is an indication of financial responsibility. As a financially responsible person, I don't believe anyone should quit a job until they have secured employment elsewhere or saved enough of their income to cover one to two year's worth of their expenses. My reasons for quitting aren't the issue at hand. The appropriate parties were involved in those discussions. The general public has no need to be privy to that for the simple reason that I don't need to pass scrutiny here. All I asked for was for PTSD caregiver's perspectives on what their loved one could do to make their relationship the #1 priority.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You sound a bit defensive when others are just trying to help you. Honestly, it doesn't matter where the thread starts----anyone can ask anything if they think it'll help them help you more. Don't like a reply---ignore it.

(I, too, find it a bit odd that you "planned" your agoraphobia. It seems a little less legit in that most with true agoraphobia deal with its reality without the luxury of planning ahead for isolation). Knowing all of this, I'd say you're definitely being enabled by your boyfriend--- or do you have a liquor store that delivers? Hard hitting, yes, but PTSD doesn't mix well with alcohol for most of us, and if you can't even leave the house, the booze have gotta go.

 

[rainydaze]

Solara,
I've accepted and acknowledged my faults as well as the areas of my life that I feel good about. I listened to Snowangel's opinions and remained respectful of her thoughts. I thanked her for providing me with a different perspective. I indicated that several of her assertions were legitimate.

I provided my persepctive in return. I clarified a few assertions that were not accurate and indicated that my initial post may have presented myself unflatteringly.

When Snowangel asked me to further clarify myself, I provided a simple, straightforward answer. I decided that to provide a detailed answer would have been an unnecessary justification for a complete stranger on an Internet board. I did not want to feel as though I had to make a case for anything and everything that factored into a decision about my life.

I recognized that I too had a right and a need to have healthy boundaries and feel confident in not having to legitimize myself beyond what I felt was reasonable. So, having no interest in feeling like a pushover, I responded appropriately, assertively, and respectfully to her question.

I respect your right to judge my response however you wish and to judge me also. I want you to know it is not helpful to me to feel judged and labeled in the manner of your previous post. I want you to know that I feel your post was not in the spirit of the forum policies. I don't think your post was polite or indicitave of good will. I allowed myself to be hurt by the way you spoke about me and I wanted to share this information with you.

I hope that you will at some point decide to take the time to get to know me.

I hope the rest of your day is relaxing and enjoyable. TTYL.

 

[Nicolette]

I am hoping supporters who relate to my fiancée (as described here) would give me their thoughts on what gestures, gifts, actions, or planned activities would mean the most for you to receive from your "sufferer."

In a nutshell, the only gift I would want if I was your "supporter" would be for you to be actively working on getting better and healthier every day so that you participated in the relationship and life more.