Rescue Fantasies - Si - Inability To Accept I Wont Be Rescued

[Badger]

As you probably know theres a lot of times when death by medication doesn't go the way people plan. It becomes a long drawn out painful horror. I had a friend who took a heroin overdose, threw up, aspirated it into his lungs, got pneumonia, became septic, had 2 strokes and took a month and a half to die. His 17 year old son was around a lot visiting him in the hospital, and for most of the time his brain was working fine.

Point being, no medication is a guarantee of a calm peaceful death.

 

[Hashi]

If it was me, I'd talk to my psychologist generally about feeling a deep need to be rescued. Especially if you despair of getting better without being rescued. That sounds like something that's fundamental and is coming up for you to work on it.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything about the suicide fantasy involving her. At least, I wouldn't plan to. If I felt like saying it when I was talking to her, I would. If I didn't feel I wanted to say it, I wouldn't.

But I'd definitely talk about the overwhelming desire to be rescued. That sounds really important to discuss.

And I'd arrange to have far fewer pills in my possession. It's when we're not actively suicidal that we need to take steps like that. When we do have suicidal ideation we'll no doubt regret that we limited our options - but that's the point. We have to save ourselves from ourselves.

 

[NovemberStar]

I know you're right - using the time I'm not suicidal to take the actions to keep me safe - the thought of giving them up though leaves me very very anxious. It's like I NEED to have the out...


The meds I have would put me asleep very quickly and then the potassium would stop my heart. I'd be asleep / out to it - it doesn't worry me if it went different- it's the ideation, that is the problem - in suicidal ideation of course, it never goes wrong - it's perfect!

Ps) I will talk to my case manager today. I don't think I'll tell her the details but I will tell her I have been struggling with suicidal fantasies.

 

[Abstract]

I think it is very understandable to fear having that option taken away from you Novemberstar. I think many of us have needed an out at a certain point. Whats important is to take away those physical options that make it easier regardless. Keep the fantasy at present if you really need to but do something about the pills.

When we get to that very bad place we are not able to make rational and good decisions.

I think its important to tell your treatment providers that you have a range of persistent rescue fantasies as well as the suicidal fantasies. Rescue issues are important to discuss as they come with certain problems and your t needs to be able to help you with this. Good luck.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you. I phoned for help and am about to see the psych dr. I'm not sure I can tell him the details of the fantasy - but I will definitely talk about how strong the urges are to act on it at times.


I'm scared to tell him the details becasue - I'm scared a) he will think its should (even though he wouldn't say it was out loud); b) he will take me very seriously and put me in hospital.

 

[NovemberStar]

Well. I was feeling ok but now I feel like shit. I said how I was - I said I have periods of feeling auicidal and full of despair and can't see how ill get through dealin with the trauma. They know I'm seeing a psychologist to learn coping strategies and they know its going to take a while to LEARN how to cope.

I said I'm having a lot of strong suicidal ideation - that I want to feel safe and then die so I stay feeling safe. I said I felt that way in the morning but was ok then and felt like I was stupid or taking or being a drama queen.

The Dr said he thinks I'm on the right track with continuing to do therapy. I said I'm worried I will die before I can learn the coping strategies I need to cope.

He never asked about my suicidal ideas. He wasn't interested in knowing the details. Basically I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. I said I don't know what to do when I get into those patches of despair. He suggested I write a letter to my future self when I'm feeling good so I can read it when I'm feeling suicidal. I said that doesn't work for me becasue I feel like I'm a different person all the time.

Having contact with psych services always leaves me feeling WORSE. It's why I haven't bothered to contact them for WEEKS. What's the point in sharing you feel suicidal and full of despair when it changes nothing?

I feel so invalidated. So unworthy. So unimportant.

As I told my psychologist - I can't decide if they can't hear me or I'm speaking a foreign language or maybe I only THINK I'm saying 'I feel suicidal and want to die' and they hear 'I'm fine I'm about to go for a walk I the park'


I don't know what to doI. I don't feel I can call them when I feel suicidal again. It's so much worse when you tell someone you want to die and they don't seem to take you seriously :-(

 

[Abstract]

What's the point in sharing you feel suicidal and full of despair when it changes nothing?

I think for me it is just so that my T knows where I am at. I know I won't be taken inpatient or anything similar as there are not the facilities and if we are still walking and talking they tend not to want to take the functionality we have away from us. That seems to be a universal thing too from what I have seen, sadly.

Do you think that telling them could have been more about playing out the rescue fantasies than anything else? I mean on a deeper internal level. It may help to figure out what you were hoping for as I find that can help me figure out what is happening for me. Do you think the two issues are knocking off of each other?

I think what is really important is that you discuss the rescue fantasies with your t and co. Not that they will have a solution or anything they can say to solve it but rather that they can know what is happening for you internally and that will help them make decisions about what you need treatment wise long term. It seems to me that this could continue to interfere with you getting better in so many important ways.

Did you manage to speak about the rescue stuff at all or do you think the suicide stuff took over from it?

Oh and I have even been thought to be lying about feeling suicidal when I had never told anyone in my life prior to that and that was way worse than not telling. Telling and not getting is horrible.

 

[NovemberStar]

I saw my T after the psych app (my T is a counsellor, the psychologist I also see once a week - my T isn't the one I want to O/D in her office).

I wasn't able to talk about the rescue stuff. I find it so incredibly SHAMEFUL. I feel it's SO WRONG for me to have that 'need'. All I could manage to say was that - I feel ashamed to talk about the issue. I told her how I was feelin suicidal and without going into details, I said I craved to 'feel safe, and then die feeling safe so that feeling lasts forever'.

Cried when I got to the car, felt better, and watched funny stuff on utube.

Thank you for replying and sharing Abstract.

I think I will be able to talk to the psychologist whn I see her Friday - I feel so safe with her - I TRUST her. Not quite sure if I will be able to tell her the fantasy invoking dying in her office from an o/d but I think I can probably tell her I feel safe there and would like to die when I feel safe.

And I will talk to her about the rescue stuff too. Sucks I have to wait three days. I finally find somewhere I FEEL SAFE AND PROTECTED and I can only be there once a week - oh, and pay $160 each time for it.

 

[Badger]

NovemberStar- I'm curious, and maybe you have already asked yourself this- What do you need to feel safe?

 

[Abstract]

I agree with Hashi on this one. I think I would concentrate on the rescue stuff if you can find the courage. That way it sounds like you are going to get more to what is propping all of this up. Especially if you can't speak about the suicidal stuff without feeling despairing when they don't rescue you in response. Good luck and remember the best recipe for shame is exposure to the light. I am a good one to talk as shame is my best friend it seems.

 

[NovemberStar]

I think I would concentrate on the rescue stuff if you can find the courage. That way it sounds like you are going to get more to what is propping all of this up. Especially if you can't speak about the suicidal stuff without feeling despairing when they don't rescue you in response. .

That is a huge part of the problem - my feeling of 'wanting to be rescued' and then realizing I CAN'T be rescued, leads me to feeling suicidal... but then, I seek help for feeling genuinely unsafe ie - at risk of suicide. When I don't get the response I want / need, it leaves me feeling more hopeless - because I'm NOT being rescued from feeling suicidal... and so, I feel more suicidal..... only then, I don't feel i can reach our for support, because the end result is going to merely RE-TRIGGER my childhood experience and pain.

It's like I inadvertently set myself up to re-experience the trauma of not being 'saved' over and over again. I don't deliberately set out to 'be rescued' by saying 'I am suicidal' - I really do feel that way. I have managed to talk to my T and co about this - that being in the psych system, reaching out for support when feeling suicidal leaves me feeling worse - but I'm not sure I have talked enough about the feeling of 'I need to be rescued'.

I feel SO STUCK with this. It's like I KNOW I NEED to 'let go' of the fantasy that I will be rescued, that I will be saved from my childhood. Logically, I know I can't be rescued because it's 30 years later .. but EMOTIONALLY, it FEELS like its NOW.

I don't know how to let go - of how to ACCEPT that I cannot change things - that I wont be rescued or saved because I'm an adult now. THE NEED IS STILL THERE. I really really worry I can't get passed this unless I AM rescued - and since that's not going to happen, I will never ever heal.

My eating disorder ties into this. I am REALLY struggling to eat. I am losing weight. I'm vaguely aware that my sub-concious is that desperate to be 'saved', that that part of me will starve until I 'force' someone to take action to 'save me'.

What the worst thing about this is - I don't believe anyone will 'save me' - and I might actually starve to death 'waiting' for what can never happen!!! I am so scared, I really don't want it to be like this - that part of me is so incredibly strong - and desperate.

(please no-one brush this off and say ' just eat, don't be ridiculous!' - an eating disorder is a mental illness much like PTSD. I feel so out of control in terms of not being able to eat, even though I don't want to be in it. I'm trying really hard to not waste away and lose a lot of weight - if this was purely for 'attention' and trying to 'lose weight' I would be more aggressive with it - I am purposefully NOT exercising, so I don't lose as much weight, because last time I got caught in my ED and lost weight, I nearly died - two years ago)

 

[Abstract]

I have also had an eating disorder and many others here have too so many will understand. Many also have the mindset you describe with it too. Its another representation of the same problem for you.

I think this issue needs to be a priority for you as everything else seems to be affected by it and I don't see you getting better unless you do.

You are not the only person to have the rescue stuff and it is possible to get better. It is also something that treatment providers are used to dealing with and they won't be shocked or repelled.

I hope I can explain what I mean here but I think the core of this is how you approach it. You have these desperate needs to be rescued and you know that you can't be rescued by others and that anyone attempting to would be harmful. What you can do however is to discuss and work on the feelings and sit with them knowing that treatment providers should not play into it.

What would that look like? It would involve discussing it as a subject and reminding yourself that it is the subject that needs to be dealt with rather than the fantasy being played out.

That can be hard because when you are still letting yourself expect others to play into the fantasy then you will be blaming them for the pain after and making them play a role in your ongoing drama (I don't mean that in a negative way). If you just sit with and fully own all the feelings it is really hard but that is the way you will start getting better.

I don't believe you need to just suddenly accept it or let go of it. That isn't necessary for you to still move forward and start working on this. If you don't start working on this then you are going to end up nowhere.

A great start is discussing the issue with your T. Remind yourself all the time that reason you are discussing it is to deal with it long term, gradually and NOT to get some response from your t that will save you. This is about you looking into yourself in therapy to work through it.


I also think you need to probably watch yourself carefully on somewhere like here that you don't start playing the same thing out. To get better we need to retrain our minds to think differently. It takes lots of work but is possible.