Rescue Fantasies - Si - Inability To Accept I Wont Be Rescued

[NovemberStar]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply Abstract.

I see what you mean, in terms of keeping it as a subject to talk about. I am really aware of - and I dont' think I do, do it - of trying to GET a rescued response ... I don't set out to phone them and be rescued ... I know rescue is futile ...BUT, in amongst that, it is very very hard to get my head around that I can feel so suicidal, and there's next to NO response???!!!

Monday - I wanted to be heard. I was initially - I was given an appointment to see the Dr at psych services. I did not expect to be hospitalized; I was scared I might be (I wanted the option of the 'out' still, in term so suicide - I felt very torn) - I did think I would be offered something- a phone call from the after hours team, even a visit to check in on me later that day. but - nothing.

I just wish so much, the feelings weren't so REAL - it is just so real - it feels like the past and the present touch each other.

Today was a much better day - I felt the same feelings - suicidal ideation, hopelessness, really wanting to take the pills when I see the psychologist on Friday ... but going to work helped a lot, and tonight I don't have those more intense feelings.

The ED- I'm not able to 'fix' it or 'get help' for it - there is no help for it available - the Ed centre near me just does outpatient, and therapy consists of seeing one of them once a week for twenty minutes to have vitals taken, weight and bloods etc. A little chat about eating better - but not therapy or worksheets etc. I had over a decade of no eating disorder until the trauma event triggering the childhood trauma, nearly three years ago. this year I had 8 months of no behaviors, and a stable weight for well over a year (after gaining back all the weight I needed to). It was the PTSD stuff that happened again in July that triggered my ED again. I struggled for several weeks to cope with the PTSD without the ED, and managed to do so.

In the end, it got too much - I only relapsed again because I was SO suicidal, it really really felt I had no other option but to relapse.

It really was, relapse and use ED behaviours to cope with the intense PTSD stuff - or kill myself. My team know this - they all know I really feel I would be dead if I didnt use the ED to cope. I dont want to use it, but I have no otehr working options right now. In a perfect world,

 

[roseann]

"

I feel SO STUCK with this. It's like I KNOW I NEED to 'let go' of the fantasy that I will be rescued, that I will be saved from my childhood. Logically, I know I can't be rescued because it's 30 years later .. but EMOTIONALLY, it FEELS like its NOW.

I understand this so completely and my heart goes out to you. My parents did not save me at the beginning of all this trauma and no one else saved me in the trauma to follow, not friends, not teachers, not coworkers or bosses, not husbands.... many of them used me instead. The people I am supposed to trust... Every morning I wake up I wish someone would make all this pain stop. I try giving back, by being there for others that may need ME, hoping that will help. THIS even backfired on me big time today.

I know in my head that I am the only one who can save me. I am the only one! But I feel unable to do that in this state! Everyone I trust lets me down... I let myself down. I am so sorry that ... I must be dumping this instead of being supportive... I am so sorry, but DAMMIT I NEED SOMEONE TO LOOK OUT FOR ME ONCE IN A WHILE!! I want to believe in the human race. I want to fully understand the buddhist principles I study. I am simply pissed that NO ONE in my immediate life is saving me. Shit. I am always 8 years old, or a teenager in peril.

I HAVE NO therapist to talk to and am having a damned crappy day.... I want to just be supportive of all of you wonderful people, but damn... I need help.... so sorry. So sorry.

 

[ms spock]

Has anyone else felt like this? have such an intense NEED to be rescued / saved?

And knowing it cant ever happen - has it left you suicidal also?

Your honesty is really appreciated. Yes I struggle with this.

 

[Chincho]

I cannot get passed the fact that I NEED to be rescued. It is such a DEEP NEED, I despair of ever getting better unless I AM rescued.

Has anyone else felt like this? have such an intense NEED to be rescued / saved?

And knowing it cant ever happen - has it left you suicidal also?

That's exactly how I feel right now!

My husband is doing all he can, but it just isn't enough. Somehow, only God knows why, I feel I must be rescued by a woman, but I know it will never happen.

 

[maddog]

It's taken me this long to be able to acknowledge that I resonate very deeply with this need, and with the confusion and shame and aloneness that it brings. It is very very difficult for me to think about this at all without lapsing into self-hating certainty that I am just being attention seeking and manipulative to even feel this way, let alone to even consider acting on it. I am a long long way from the courage to begin to speak openly to my T about this, or to anyone else in reality for that matter... but I truly respect the courage of everyone who has posted about it - it's given me courage to do likewise.

Maddog

 

[ms spock]

I'm realizing I am only at the tip of the trauma iceberg in feeling and dealing with my childhood trauma.

More and more, I ache so much to be rescued. I think I spend a LOT of time in the emotional state of being a 9 year old. Its like having my childhood as a 'sceen-saver' - It's always THERE.

Here is a brief list of things that might be helpful. If they are not helpful then please know that they offered in the spirit of trying to be supportive. Some times I can get it right in posting to other people's thread and sometimes I miss the mark. It is hard to know until you have known someone for a bit longer online.

You are being so honest and you are expressing your self so well in this thread. Give yourself credit for that. You are in a bit of a catch 22 situation. This is a hard place to be.

Mindfulness can be helpful. Go for a walk and look for one particular colour. Once you have seen it 20 or 100 times then come home.

When you are feeling better. Write a list of self soothing activities. Write a self soothing list for each of the people that emerge in your times of desperation. Put it up where you can see it. Have people to ring - in Australia we have lifeline, so some type of list that you can refer to when you are feeling overwhelmed of things to do. Perhaps over time you will work out a way to communicate with the psych team. I don't know how they work so I don't know what to suggest with that one.

Ring someone and post if you start planning to do something as opposed to thinking I will kill myself as a way to deal with distress.

Build up some distress tolerance. This is more a long term goal for me and I thought I would share it with you.

Exercise is really important to discharge all that cortisol in your system to get it out.

Practice being kind and compassion to yourself 1 minute an hour or 1 minute a day, schedule a time and give it ago. It doesn't matter how well you do it but it matters that you do it.

Identify needs/wants/desires and brain storm ideas of how to meet those for yourself and discuss with a supportive person how to get what you want from one other person for 15 minutes per week. Schedule in four people to listen to you and that shares out the load over a month.

Write goals and work of them for self care.

Be, once again kind and compassion for the child/teenager within.

I cannot get passed the fact that I NEED to be rescued. It is such a DEEP NEED, I despair of ever getting better unless I AM rescued.

It is a strong feeling to deal with. You are sitting with it, which I admire. I kept avoiding even sitting with the feelings. You have a lot going for you, even though you don't feel it. You articulate this particular scenario in a clear and precise manner. I have gone through so much grief recently because of not even being able to articulate these feelings.

I have fantasies of going to my psychologist's office for a session and taking a load of pills beforehand. I don't even want to be 'saved' from dying in that fantasy - I just want to curl up on her couch, feel warm, safe, cared for, and die. (The pills I would take would be more than enough to kill me - I have a big bottle of potassium chloride tablets as well as sedatives - I'm pretty sure my heart would stop before any ambulance could get me anywhere fast enough for my stomach to by pumped - and in my fantasy - the thought of surviving and having to face my psychologist afterwards fills me with such intense intense SHAME, I wouldn't want to survive the attempt).

Can you find away to create safety and being cared for - imagine another ending like being able to carry that safety and being cared for in to the day with you. Sit with these feelings for 30 seconds a day at the same time if you can manage it. Build it up.Then 1 minute a day, then two. Start small and manageable and build up the mindset over each week - add 30 more seconds or another minute, if you can. If you can't stay at what you can do.

It's like - if I truly cannot be rescued from my childhood (which I know isn't possible because its no longer happening and its many years later - even though it FEELs like its NOW), then I just want to die, and feel SAFE and CARED for (just by having her presence there)

It is really hard to feel this way. I feel like this myself at times. The abuse is no longer happening but I have carried it within me and my role models for learning life skills were pretty poor so I am stuck in this stuff as well. I can only say I feel for you, so much.

How do I deal with this? How can I even possibly come to accept the idea I cant ever be rescued?
I feel so incredibly ANGRY at the fact I can't. I have such strong urges to be destructive - to 'force' the health professionals in my life to rescue me - to self destruct in front of them - and if they don't act, then I guess will die - the NEED is just that strong ;(

And how do you get passed that?

Being able to articulate it is an important step. I don't know I haven't gone far enough on the journey to know how to get past it, myself. I do appreciate the candor and honesty of your posts.

 

[ms spock]

I feel SO STUCK with this. It's like I KNOW I NEED to 'let go' of the fantasy that I will be rescued, that I will be saved from my childhood. Logically, I know I can't be rescued because it's 30 years later .. but EMOTIONALLY, it FEELS like its NOW.

I don't know how to let go - of how to ACCEPT that I cannot change things - that I won't be rescued or saved because I'm an adult now. THE NEED IS STILL THERE. I really really worry I can't get passed this unless I AM rescued - and since that's not going to happen, I will never ever heal.

I will interested to see how you go with this journey.

My eating disorder ties into this. I am REALLY struggling to eat. I am losing weight. I'm vaguely aware that my sub-conscious is that desperate to be 'saved', that that part of me will starve until I 'force' someone to take action to 'save me'.

Unfortunately I really understand this. This is not helpful in any way I know but part of my sub-conscious has that wanting to see how low in weight I can go before someone acts. Rationally I get annoyed at everyone commenting on how much weight I have lost but there is part of me that wants to be rescued as well. It is so embarrassing. I lost a lot of weight because of coming of AntiDs but it has kept dipping.

What the worst thing about this is - I don't believe anyone will 'save me' - and I might actually starve to death 'waiting' for what can never happen!!! I am so scared, I really don't want it to be like this - that part of me is so incredibly strong - and desperate.

I understand the desperation and the neediness.

(please no-one brush this off and say ' just eat, don't be ridiculous!' - an eating disorder is a mental illness much like PTSD. I feel so out of control in terms of not being able to eat, even though I don't want to be in it. I'm trying really hard to not waste away and lose a lot of weight - if this was purely for 'attention' and trying to 'lose weight' I would be more aggressive with it - I am purposefully NOT exercising, so I don't lose as much weight, because last time I got caught in my ED and lost weight, I nearly died - two years ago)

You express yourself really well. I have gone to food to comfort myself to kick start eating again. Do you have any foods that you can eat which are satisfying or comforting? Is there anything you can eat that pops up in your mind?

ED is really hard. Do you understand how the ED makes you safer? Or how it moves through you to meet that survival need? I ask because I am interested please ignore anything I say that doesn't resonate with you.

 

[ms spock]

It really was, relapse and use ED behaviours to cope with the intense PTSD stuff - or kill myself. My team know this - they all know I really feel I would be dead if I didn't use the ED to cope. I dont want to use it, but I have no other working options right now.

I know I have also asked this elsewhere but how does the ED help you cope with the PTSD stuff?

 

[The Albatross]

It is a paradox. The eating disorder is about control. Misdirected control, but control nonetheless. Paired up with the perceived need for being rescued it can be a perpetual cycling. One sparking off the other and around and around and around.

Perceived helplessness was at the root of my own bout of anorexia during my 20's and into my mid 30's. That and depression. I felt helpless but I exercised control over my eating and my body weight. In hindsight it was both self harming behavior, and also an outward manifestation that people could see that indicated I was in distress and needed help.

The cycle, was not hard to break for me once I sought help and applied myself. The inability to trust others came to the fore and was identified when in a psychotherapy evaluation for clinical depression. It was determined that I had situational depression rather than clinical because betrayal and breech of trust had happened many times in my history. When I processed that... I began to understand that the only way I was going to effect change was to go at it from a different angle.

I chose to undertake personal accountability and responsibility for my own care. I determined to learn the skills and tools I needed to become successful. I used the same skill sets later to deal with booze, my substance abuse (with much more guidance).

Now neither are a cycle for me, the situational depression and skepticism about trusting others can be there but it doesn't interfere with me doing the things for myself I need to be reasonably healthy and I don't have suicidal ideation very often at all anymore. It has taken time, effort, practice but it has been worth it and there has been slow but steady improvement.

The key part about it for me was to shut down or take over the emotive voice/feelings in my head that was not in line with my present life situation or chronical age. My inner critics were sabotaging my own efforts and my brain was giving me what it thought I wanted more of. Brains aim to please.

I began to attempt changing habits and new behavior with goal setting and personal challenges... and now have some successful experiences and a bit more confidence to build on. Basically leading a self disciplined life improved my ability to manage my conditions and helped me break the self defeating thinking cycle. Most of the time.

You said, "I KNOW I NEED to 'let go' of the fantasy that I will be rescued, that I will be saved from my childhood. Logically, I know I can't be rescued because it's 30 years later .. but EMOTIONALLY, it FEELS like its NOW." Something that helped me was STOP thought. It needs though to be practiced until it is habitual and then can become a new behavior:

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[Laurajayne27]

Hi, I was just wondering where you're at with this? Did you resolve any of your rescue fantasies?

I too have these fantasies, a deep uet childhood need. I though it was love I wanted at first but it was indeed to be rescued from the emotional wreckage I was living in as a child and now am reliving after talking about the trauma. I fired my therapist yesterday now I'm alone and desperately wanting to talk to her but I'd feel a fool phoning her. I think maybe just dealing with the suicidal idealation on my own will either make or break me. Let me know how it's going?

 

[Starsalign]

Laurajayne - I have this problem too and got really close to firing my therapist last night. I told him I was doing fine because I felt like I was and I didn't know that I needed therapy anymore. Only I was another side of me talking - the side that's happy, fun and always a-ok. And he suggested that it sounds like I want a break and if I want to go, it's my choice. That last night could be our last session or next week or whatever. That I could always come back. I told him I would never come back because I'm too stubborn lol I was acting like a 5 year old - you know, I felt like one....

When I told him I didn't want to terminate last night and maybe next week, but I didn't want next week to have any expectations placed on it because I know myself (because basically I knew I would fall down again, which I have) he said, "I trust you." So he leaves it up to me - which intellectually I know he should and he always pretty much does the right thing. He's a good therapist. Really good. So why am I pushing him away? It's very deep-rooted and very painful. I want someone to fix my pain but only I can do it. It's hard to hold onto that one sometimes. It's like sand running through my hands and I can't grasp it. I'm sorry about what happened with your therapist, but if you truly want to go back and if she is good at what she does and everything, you deserve to give yourself another chance. (If not with her, then with someone else). That's what I'm going to do next week when I tell him I still need him.

 

[billie]

What an Incredable post. YES and YES and YES I feel the same. You definently wrote how I feel the last few months. I have spoke to my T. I would say do the same.