Resentment

[Upside Down Eagle]

I absolutely resent myself for resenting everything.

Something in my person just wants to piss on everything, complain about everything, and despise everybody. I don't want to let go of stuff, I don't want to be okay with anything - I want to just sit in a corner and mumble "no", like an angry toddler.

My response to everything, and to every trigger, is something along the lines of "get lost", and "leave me alone". I don't want to deal with it. I can deal with it, but I prefer to question my own ability to deal with it. I can deal with it, but instead I sit back and just watch it happen.

I am in fact physically anal. I am gripping my muscles, and clenching everything there is to clench.
I can use a quote from Roseanne here: "They couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor".

I feel so much pain. I feel left alone because I reject it all, and I am not completely sure how to deal with myself.

I am sure some of you can relate to this unwillingness. Have you ever had it?
How did you deal with it?

 

[Casey_03]

It seems like a good sign that you're aware you do this. There are plenty of people who behave this way without ever even realizing it! So props to you for actually calling yourself out on it. Don't beat yourself up though - we all get like this sometimes. The important thing is that you recognize what you are doing and try to counter it somehow. When I get this way (and I do very often), I try to counter each negative thought with something positive. At first, it's hard but it gets easier the more you do it. It's not a cure for resentment and negativity, by no means, but it does help you relax a bit when you are in one of these moods.

 

[Chava]

I relate to this somewhat. For me it comes in waves of irritability and being really aware that I'm generally pissed off. I'm aware of it, like you seem to be, so don't dump it on others (like get mad at them for being humans or whatever). I just isolate myself more...and come on here and use the F word too much.

One thing I've become really aware of is how challenging it is for me to internalize positive experience or feelings. I just bank the bad ones and keep repeating bad feelings. Self hatred has been an issue too. I want to allow myself to be angry, but I also want to feel like I can access some good feelings to buffer how rough I feel sometimes. So I'm working on that more consciously...seeking out experiences that give me good feelings.

I haven't been using the F word so much lately (am sure it will come back though :mad:). I'm not opposed to swearing (though regret if I've ever offended others here), but it is kind of a gauge for me...a way I release some of my bad energy when it's all I'm really feeling.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah I feel it as being generally pissed off too. I swear a lot as well, though not on here, and not directly. For me the "get lost" line is really a motto, although I have all kinds of offensive variations on it, that nobody needs to hear. :D

I do get mad at others a lot. I tend to generalize people when I feel like this, and see them as nitwits. Which makes me come across as this arrogant hole frequently. But being a hole makes me feel sort of good, because it gives me an excuse not to do anything, about anything.

I really do feel like I'm stuck in my teens a lot of time, like I just loathe it all and refuse to take any responsibility.
I treat "positive thoughts" and yoga with cynicism, even though I know it would help. Urgh! :banghead:

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, hating yourself for hating yourself. Been there plenty of times. The bitterness that digs deep into a person's heart, and clouds out the positive potential in a situation. I don't know what to tell you, other than it is supremely good that you recognize this is yourself, and somehow forgive yourself for it. I think that is the hardest thing to do.. to forgive ourselves for missteps, and move on from a situation. I still think that you're on the right track with your yoga and positive thoughts. It can be so hard to keep going, to put in the effort when despair is clouding your mind. But it is just fear masquerading in a different form. Fear of hoping.. fear that perhaps things could be different, but that you'll never see it. This happens to me everyday. It's just another challenge I think that everyone faces, with self-knowledge and hard work being the keys to overcome it.

:hug:

 

[Friday]

Relate? Yep!

In fact, that self same stubbornness is what "fixed" me the first time. Not cured. But nixed about 92% of what pissed me off, and then the other 8% I put to work for me.

It took years. But it was the anger that got me through. Something would piss me off, and so I'd start messing with it. Poking at it. Figuring it out. Anger is something I can use. It's an active emotion. It lets me deal with stuff. As opposed to sadness & despair which just sucks the life out of me.

Being pissed off at being pissed off is half of what gave me my sense of humor ;). ((The other half was one of my traumas... Where I had a Jennifer Connoly in Labyrinth moment; "You have no power over me." :D))

Anyhow... I come from a culture where complaints are only "allowed" for the unchangeable things outside of your control. LOL In fact, the steady stream of complaints about the weather, food, stupidity of orders, etc. is part of how one gauges how bad things are. 'Troops ain't bitching, something's wrong.' As long as the steady stream of gripes are coming, then one knows that something worse isn't overriding all the petty annoyances (it could be worse, means things are f*ckin bad) , and also that one hasn't got into their head to change (mutiny, desertion) the unchangeable.

So I found myself complaining about the changeable things within my scope to do something about them (wtf???)... Which pissed me off... Which in turn led to me making fun of myself. (Hello humor. There you are.) ... Which in turn led to me actually doing something about my problems, instead of just sitting in them and mooing about them. (Autocorrect from moping, lol, but I like mooing. Ha!)

<grin> So that anger and resentment has come to mean good things in my life. It means I'm turning a corner in my depression, PTSD-tailspin, etc. It means I'm either taking my power back, or am just about to :sneaky:

I have to be careful not to SIT in anger, but actually put it to use. Rage, explosive anger that been bottled up? That's dangerous. But anger in and of itself, when I don't just sit on it and let it build until it explodes? That's useful.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I can relate to that a lot as well, FridayJones :) I've done "my time" when it comes to explosive, bottled up rage and I really hope it doesn't ever come back. Since then I've been learning to channel the anger more appropriately.

Since then it has helped me stand up for myself and care less that some people might not like me for it. I've learned not to feel guilty for abandoning abusers or people that might otherwise hurt me. But the bad mood I'm experiencing now is also due to the fear @Go Hungry mentioned. Mainly it's fear of change, I think, fear of leaving the comfort zone.

I'm fine in my cranky, teenage zone. I love mooing about everything (that is an awesome word!). But I also do believe that resentment at other people and at events outside one's control, really reflect some general resentment that the person (me in this case) holds against their own life. So right now it's a battle between the comfort zone and the resentment :laugh: