Retraumatization By The People Who Are Supposed To Help

[The Sentinel]

Spero:

Take a second to breathe, I wasn't attacking you. I was looking for clarification and you did so wonderfully. Thank you for explaining, it helped me understand where you are coming from better. I do agree that there are times when those we turn to for help, people that are supposed to be professionals, can cause more trauma. A friend of mine that I am currently acting as a carer to was told by her parents and psychologists that the trauma she endured was her fault. All her fault. And she deserved it. It was absolutely unbelievable that someone that is supposed to help us with our traumas would say such an ignorant and truly ugly thing.

I sympathize with you for your troubles. I can understand the PTSD aspects of what you are enduring and my heart goes out to you. I'm not battling an eating disorder, per se (though I have severe stomach trouble that might as well result in bulimia, unfortunately). I don't doubt that you have needed help in the past, and now that you have clarified I agree with you. You aren't unworthy and you do deserve help. Everyone deserves a hand up if they have fallen and somehow become injured. At least that is my philosophy.

I wish there was more I could offer you as you struggle with this, but keep your chin up. There are people out here, qualified or not, that do care.

To everyone else:

As far as the attention seeking, there are times in our lives when a desperate cry for help is just that. When someone attempts suicide, it is a screaming message saying 'Help me! I don't know what to do anymore and I'm scared!' That isn't to say that it should be something that is allowed to rule their lives or your own, but it is a billboard saying that someone really needs something they are not getting and don't quite know how to ask for it, or aren't being paid enough attention to in order for their pleas to be heard. While it is tempting to dismiss it as "attention seeking" one must evaluate what "attention seeking" is. It's that scared child inside all of us reaching out for a hug. Children don't know how to express themselves in words that we can all understand, a lot of the time. They only know how to scream and cry and shake their little fists until they are red in the face. People with PTSD and particularly CPTSD have a very strong inner child that occasionally gets out and sometimes reacts in a similar manner.

Might I denote that suicide threats and attempts by people that don't legitimately have mental disorders such as PTSD are often simply melodramatic means of trying to control others, I would suggest we treat such situations as this with a little more delicacy and compassion. It might be a quick dismissal for some to say "attention seeker" and simply write it off as someone else that just wants all our time and attention and isn't mature enough to handle it but in my opinion... if someone is screaming for help that loudly, doesn't it do ourselves and them an injustice to not try and understand and listen? In this place of all places, I would imagine that a little compassion is what we are all seeking.

It would be my advice to not be quite so stingy with it.

 

[spero]

Thank you. Like the person you spoke of, I was told by family that what I went through was things my mind made up or not as bad as I perceived it to be. When I first started struggling at 13, my mom was reluctant to even let me see a counselor. I was severely depressed and suicidal then and begged her to let me see someone. I told her if she didn't that I would kill myself because I needed help and couldn't cope with it.

As the years went on and I started self harming and then developed an eating disorder, those were also met with denial and/or being told they were phases. Even to this day my mom will try to steer clear of any of those topics which really is hard because she also has PTSD, but has done well over the years.

So, I guess it kind of reminds me of that too.

I am very sensitive, as I am sure many on here are, and being 'talked' to in certain ways does feel like an attack.

I do not want conflicts here..just a place of understanding even though we won't all agree.

 

[catjudo]

it is a billboard saying that someone really needs something they are not getting and don't quite know how to ask for it, or aren't being paid enough attention to in order for their pleas to be heard. While it is tempting to dismiss it as "attention seeking" one must evaluate what "attention seeking" is.

It might be a quick dismissal for some to say "attention seeker" and simply write it off as someone else that just wants all our time and attention and isn't mature enough to handle it but in my opinion... if someone is screaming for help that loudly, doesn't it do ourselves and them an injustice to not try and understand and listen?

I can agree with that. My statements were never intended to reflect that one shouldn't/couldn't receive support for a situation such as this here in the forum or elsewhere in real life. My point was merely that the ER is not the place to seek what they are needing.

 

[The Sentinel]

Thank you. Like the person you spoke of, I was told by family that what I went through was things my mind made up or not as bad as I perceived it to be. When I first started struggling at 13, my mom was reluctant to even let me see a counselor. I was severely depressed and suicidal then and begged her to let me see someone. I told her if she didn't that I would kill myself because I needed help and couldn't cope with it.

As the years went on and I started self harming and then developed an eating disorder, those were also met with denial and/or being told they were phases. Even to this day my mom will try to steer clear of any of those topics which really is hard because she also has PTSD, but has done well over the years.

My therapist told me something very interesting regarding that that may offer to shed a little light into the behavior of your parents and others. Most people feel intensely uncomfortable when forced to confront reality. When trauma happens, people's first instinct is often "That couldn't happen to someone that hadn't made it happen to themselves!" and they thus reaffirm that their world is safe. Being forced to look at the reality of the fact that no one is safe, completely, at all times is a scary fact that most people on this forum understand intimately.

Rape victims know that it can happen and that there is always the concern of that lurking in the back of their mind. Naturally steps can be taken to SIGNIFICANTLY diminish the threat of it occurring but it is often tempting to blame the victim because the person doing the blaming doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that they, themselves, are vulnerable. I don't know if that offers any solace to you, but it's the case in my experience. The view that "Oh, it's not as bad as you think it is..." is extremely detrimental to someone suffering and diminishing and dismissing someone's pain like that does nothing but add layers of self-doubt, complicated guilt, and distrust onto the existing problem. I'm so sorry that you were treated like that, particularly by anyone that was supposed to care for you.

I am very sensitive, as I am sure many on here are, and being 'talked' to in certain ways does feel like an attack.

I do not want conflicts here..just a place of understanding even though we won't all agree.

It's okay to be sensitive. All of us have triggers and are particularly touchy and putting a lot of people that are touchy or dealing with serious triggers together can result in very easily ruffled feathers. That's a natural and normal defensive reaction that the mind takes to protect itself. I don't believe that anybody here actually wants conflict, but there is inevitably the chance that people might trigger each other and perhaps may not agree (as you have stated). Just try to remember that we are all here to work together towards healing and that I don't think anybody here has malice in their heart. We all just sometimes forget to look past our own feelings.

*hugs*

Catjudo:

That's fine! I wasn't directing the whole end of that at you - it was just a general statement to everyone. I've seen that kind of thing appear on the forums before when a lot of things were dismissed as "attention getting" and such. I just wanted to remind people of the impact of that kind of thing. I agree that the ER is not the primary choice in dealing with that situation, don't get me wrong. However in the most extreme of cases sometimes it's the only place available at that point in time.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi spero,

Is it possible the male nurse didn't mean his comments as to minimize you, but in an attenpt to make you feel better? Just because you mentioned you wanted 'help' (therefore, to 'get better'), and he was trying to give you some spring-board to start from? From his perspective (not 'right' but from his occupation) he has likely seen people die of anorexia nervosa and by that point it's not too pretty- I have seen this myself myself and I'm sorry to be even this graphic but it's pretty horrific and suffice it to say usually involves a lot of body fluids; it's also too late to stop physically at that point, no matter what the person wants or doesn't.

I most certainly don't want to hurt your fellings or make you feel misunderstood and not heard, but it's hard to think 'cognitively' when (we) are overwhelmed with emotions. I have self-harmed, and the truth remains until you have the desire and means to face it and deal with it you will do it again; the ER won't provide you with the solution, I don't think. It sounds like whatever you expected from them there, it didn't occur. Unfortunately, it 'can't'. I'm sure it may have left you feeling very alone.

It's ok to feel as you've felt, albeit 'sh*tty'.

I hope you have much better support and understanding help in the future.