Returned emotions

[Kaylove498]

I've been pretty emotionless for a few months. Recently I've been having outburst of anger and crying spells.

Sometimes it's just an agitated feeling in my body other times it's a deep feeling where I'm ready to scream at the top of my lungs.

Things that I thought I let go of years ago I'm becoming angry about. I'm not angry with little things more of things I've been through and dealt with.

Being emotionless for so long I've been thrown off with this anger and crying spells.

I'm angry with so many things at once that it's almost overwhelming. After I sit in the anger and thoughts I become relaxed again only to feel the anger and sadness build up again.

I don't have any bad thoughts just more of a feeling that I'm gonna snap and tell everyone what it is all the hurt they have caused.

I've even found myself angry at myself for letting people do what they've done to me.

I spent years staying strong and running from everything that hurt me.
I've always felt that people who talked about their issues or what had hurt them were making sob stories. I know that's won't that I felt that way but I was raised to not speak on your struggles because you were just creating a pity party.

At this point though I just want someone to hear me and what I've been through.I want so badly for someone to recognize that I'm struggling.

I keep faking a smile to push through but deep down I'm so angry and hurt and it feels like it's all of a sudden.

I don't know what to do and I'm lost I feel like who I was before will never return and like I am ruined and will never come back out of this numb angry place.

 

[ladee]

It's been my experience that feelings I thought I had dealt with when they came back, and sometimes more intense, that it's another layer to be felt and expressed.

I really understand the anger part of what you are saying. And being angry at myself for not being able to tell people how I feel. I understand that!

Hope you have a therapist and if not, hope you come here and share what you are feeling, ask for feedback and find what suits your situation to try and help you move forward with this.

Having old feelings come up again means growth. That's a good thing.

 

[Kaylove498]

I was with one therapist and I am actually looking for a new one due to not feeling very comfortable with the last.

To be honest with my thoughts and feelings is hard for me being that I've always ignored them.

I'm a fairly decent person I go out of my way to help and please people. So for me to not care for so long bothered me.

In the last few months I've seen people's real colors and how life really is I lost my brother in law in October and that's when I lost my emotions.

I've been through some pretty sucky situations with men especially and the ones that were there have passed I lost my grandfather whom I was extremely close with in 2016. It devestated me. Since then I've been different. And losing my brother in law sent me into dpdr.

I have been with a guy for 6 years with many ups and downs but more downs I've just realized how often people in general leave me including him.

I've always been second choice. My father left And had a new family. My mom became hard on me to be tough and above and beyond my grandfather passed and my grandmother has ignored me since his passing every relationship I've been in had been emotionally or physically abusive and even friends have left.

I'm not perfect and I know that but I'm so angry right now that I've always been second choice. I've always had to be strong and noone really care about how I felt. I've toughed everything out.

I was raped at 19 and was told it was my fault I was molested for years and just find out my mother never knew I have all this anger in me and all these questions.

I just want to know why do people leave why wasn't I good enough or why can't anyone see how tired I am mentally.

I know that was a ridiculous rant I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[ladee]

I relate to everything you just shared. What was so wrong with ME that I got set on the side of the road like a bag of garbage? Why was it that no matter how nice and helpful I was that no one saw MY pain? Whether you think so right now or not, I understand.

Best wishes in finding a new T that fits and finding out how to change this image of yourself.

 

[Mach123]

Your feelings are not really your own and what you think you are feeling are your distorted feelings from your trauma. Yes it colors the whole world. This is me thinking out loud about what you wrote. I've had all those feelings.

This is a short ? Mantra or something IDK what but I'd say it's my main "go to" response when I start feeling like depressed. It works but lots of time and therapy and my mood slowly got better over a long time. You can feel better but it takes a long time. : (. I hope you feel better . Writing helps me a lot and reading theh stuff here.

 

[Wendell_R]

I was with one therapist and I am actually looking for a new one due to not feeling very comfortable with the last.

It's good that you recognized that discomfort and are looking. You can't go back to who you were before the bad things happened, and you can't go back to the place of denial. But it is possible to get to a place where the rage and pain subside and you have more peace. Each of us has different ways down that path. Most of us rely on a therapist plus building up both our internal support (self care, techniques for calming, etc.) and external support (choosing friends that are good for us).

I suggest that putting your energy into finding the right therapist and self care would be your best bet right now.

None of what happened was your fault.

 

[esz]

I've also gone through periods of time where I have no access to my emotions, or I just shut them off. But then it all comes spilling out unintentionally, especially about the things I thought I worked through.

It seems to me that each season of life I am affected by my trauma in different ways. If things you thought you processed and worked through in the past come back up, that doesnt invalidate the real work you did. It's okay to need to revisit some things throughout your life, continue processing and working through them in new and different ways.

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time right now. I hope you are able to find comfort in not being alone in this experience.

 

[Kaylove498]

I'm trying to get past things and do better I just feel lost most days like no matter what I do it doesn't matter.

I've been dealing with dpdr for awhile now and everyone has been amazed at how I just push through and keep going without any help but sometimes I do wish I could scream and cry and break down to someone about how I feel.but most days I feel numb like today is a numb day.

I don't care to much today but yesterday I was overwhelmed with emotion.somedays I'm in my head to much and other days I feel like my reality is to up close and personal if that makes sense.

 

[pam4him]

It sounds as though your brain has decided to come back to life, so to speak. But it's been a while, and it's out of practice and lacking some self-restraint and balance. Give yourself some time to get back into a balance of feeling and expressing these feelings. It's a big step in growth so congrats on that. Hang in there, perhaps use journaling to express some of it. If you are in counseling, I hope you share with them and let them guide you to good coping skills. Take care, you've got this. Prayers for peace and strength.