Revenge

[Casey_03]

A thread by another user on the topic of revenge just got me thinking about this, and I thought it might be an interesting topic for discussion. I'm sure most sufferers who have been abused have entertained fantasies of revenge at some point -- but how have those thoughts and ideas changed throughout your recovery? And do you think fantasizing about revenge plays an important role in healing? Personally, throughout the years I resorted to these fantasies quite a bit as a coping mechanism. And new experiences bordering on abuse would often trigger pure rage and ideas of getting revenge for the original traumas. These fantasies of revenge would always help me make it through the night by giving me a sense of control that was otherwise lacking, but I never went so far as to actually seek revenge. In fact, with one of my original abusers, we did play a fairly brutal game of cat and mouse for years (he was stalking me and I would always stupidly give in to his provocations), but that is part of the reason I left my native city -- because I knew if I stayed I would just destroy myself in the process of trying to destroy him. So, the conclusion I have come to after about a decade is that, as cliched as it sounds, revenge really does just destroy all parties involved. It doesn't bring about justice. Far from it. And for as many truly horrendous people as there are in the world, there are more people who are wounded and in need of help. If all the good people are focused on getting revenge against the bad people, there will be no one to tend to those in need of help. So that's how I see it now - better to channel your anger on ways to help other people who have been hurt than to focus it on revenge. Thoughts from everyone else?

 

[ladee]

I am not a vengeful person by nature. I always figure people who are cruel, abusive and what ever else hurts other humans will get theirs without any help from me.. they have to live with themselves for starters, so that in itself is something that I have no say so about. I absolutely believe in Karma.
And loved the way you ended your post. That also says how I feel. Thanks for sharing this... great topic.

 

[Sideways]

I seem to lack the capacity to get angry enough to want revenge...or maybe revenge is separate to anger, idk. And I'm ok with that. When I see the people who have abused me, as a child and an adult, I can't help seeing their families as well. Maybe it would be healthy for their families to have to confront the truth, but again, idk. I just couldn't bear the idea that I might go on to destroy someone else's life, the loved ones around them, if I tried to seem revenge on my abuser. I'd hate myself for that, and I hate myself enough already. So I'm ok with not feeling a need for revenge in my gut.

That said, it always comes as a shock to me when people who know about it reflect their own feelings to me. I've been told be several people that they find it mind-blowing and upsetting that I don't even want justice, let alone revenge. People tell me that they find it hard to cope with the idea that I'm prepared to just 'let these guys off'. So even though I don't feel the need for revenge, it's like some of the people around me do, on my behalf. That's weird for me. I know it comes from a place of compassion for me, but I still find it hard to understand.

 

[Sandstone]

Doesn't the idea of revenge mean that we have put ourselves in the position of judge and jury? It seems to me to be another misuse of power, which is the initiator of s much abuse.

 

[Ronin]

I'm not a vengeful sort of a person, but I'm also a take no shit sort of a person and at times they tend to collide.

Mostly I wait. At times the opportunity arises and I realize I couldn't care less for stupid shitbags I considered important prior.

Other times, justice comes from another corner and all I have to do is wait for that time & have a good laugh when it comes.

With avenging of the past? Most often it didn't lead to the point I hoped for, unless I changed my views, first. So that's my course of action for now and future, I only need to remember that lesson & employ it more regularly as a go-to.