Rock, Hard Place

[Upside Down Eagle]

I really need some support.

This year has been like a chain reaction for me. I came out of the closet as transgender last year in September. People were accepting around me and things were okay, but the waiting list for treatment was very long (7 months). During this time I was not treated right or even politely by the clinic in question.

I developed severe depression, and suffered from PMDD flare ups (the real nasty version of PMS). The combination is pretty lethal. I was suicidal several times, and suffered from major anxiety and rage attacks in which I first fractured my right big toe, and later in June, the joint of my left big toe.

Unfortunately I contracted CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) in the right foot and after the second fracture, also in the left foot. I am now waiting for physiotherapy, next week I have an intake with my PT. I am still worried about the effect CRPS may have on my body.

Here comes the thing that is causing me so much pain. Invasive surgery can increase risk of CRPS spreading, and even after the CRPS has healed it can come back. CRPS spreading is potentially dangerous because it can affect internal organs.

Transitioning, for me, would entail several types of surgery: one above and several below. Now, I have to seriously ask myself if I want to take that risk, and if I want to transition at all. If I take hormones, I will possibly not be able to have surgery to match the sexual attributes to my physique.

I am seriously wondering how I´ll ever be able to have a (slightly) normal life if I have to choose between living in a body in which I feel extremely anxious and mentally unstable, or undergo surgery and potentially risk ruining the same body at the hands of CRPS.

It´s hard to fathom that this is happening or that I would even have to make such a bizarre decision. If anyone has some inspiration for me or just words of support, please don´t hesitate to share.

 

[Anarchy]

:hug:
and sending you a message.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Sending positive thoughts your way.

 

[scout86]

No suggestions, but I want to say that that must be a difficult situation. I hope the medical people shape up and give you the help and support you deserve.! :hug:

 

[hogananjiggs]

Hi
Noah suggestions but I hope all is well :)
Smiley face but golly I can't see it too small

 

[hogananjiggs]

Oh my spell check no ... ...lol

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im so sorry @Radise! I know you were so looking foward to this! Ive had many transgen friends, a few suicidal because of living in the wrong body, its rough.

If it were me, I know its important to feel ok mentally and feel like you are in the right body and secure about your body, but your physical health is more important. Also, I dont know how bad CRPS is but I have super chronic pain that even with meds pumping in liquid form directly into my spine through a pump, at 35 I still cant sleep in a bed or walk my dog in addition to many, MANY things i cant do that someone can twice my age. Its incredablly depressing. I wouldnt risk that for anything.

Id drop out of the waiting period (or stay if you are still waiting), stop the hormones to be able to match physically and talk with your therapist (or a therapist) about how to be more secure and ok in the body you are in currently. I know it wont ever be if you made the change but i dont know if its all worth it.

No matter what you choose, you are a great person! You inside will never change and thats whats important. This is hard, i am so sorry! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Radise my oldest granddaughter is transgender and when we were talking about it one day I asked her if she was in a lot of pain and she said yes, she wants to be a man so badly and I really hurt for her so I kinda understand what a difficult choice this is for you. It is a no win situation with the risk of the disease spreading and to become the person that you are on the inside.

You are so close to beginning the process of surgery as well. I am hoping that the clinic you are going to has someone there who sees and hears the real you because that is the person who will really help you , I have learned.:hug:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@lostforgottensoul

Thank you for your insight :) It´s tough, because as you say, sometimes dysphoria can also lead to suicidal feelings...
I can manage up to a certain point to ignore my body but I don´t want to envision a future where I am forced to live as a female bodied male... it gets really hard because there is no way I can be intimate or have a relationship with anyone in this condition.

I´ve been pretty much living as a monk (how come we have no smiley with a halo?)

I met someone yesterday who is also trans and also has CRPS. He told me not to let fear dictate where I´m going to be in five years. It´ll be a while for surgery (at least another 1.5 years for the first one and at least 3 years for the other ones) and in the meantime I don´t know what´ll happen.

That means that I have say about two years to really work on the CRPS (one for each foot :roflmao: :D)
In the meantime I can use hormone gel/patches rather than injections.

I think I´ll be going through with it. My entire life has been dictated by fear up to this point and now I am being given the decision to let it go.

Thank you everyone who commented and supported me :hug: :tup: :happy: