D
Deleted member 12723
I agree the more information and details the better whenever you are ready, it would be an honor to support you after hearing the whole thing. Thanks for being so brave.:hug:
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Roommate and i, what comes after apology
- Post starter Muttly
- Start date
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I agree the more information and details the better whenever you are ready, it would be an honor to support you after hearing the whole thing. Thanks for being so brave.:hug:
- Post starter
- #14
Muttly
Diamond Member
before reading this, please note there have been many, many good things about having this roommate. what isn't really working is the fact that he is without a car and has been relying on me for rides or borrowing my car. And to be fair, I am sure I had built up frustration over that. He also has this bad habit of adding stops in when we are out.
Thursday I had asked him if he would come with me to a doctor's appointment on friday that I was mega stressed about. I said I'd make a deal and go to target with him after the doctor appointment. He kept making jokes? about dropping me off and going to target. in the past he's been more supportive maybe or I could be muddled.
with roomie's jokes, I really didn't know if he was coming to the appointment or not. Friday morning I muttered something about trying
to be brave and ask 1 more time. so I asked if he would come to the appointment with me. I still didn't get a straight answer and honestly didn't know if he was coming or not. Even when we arrived I didnt know. Then he was asking how long the appointment was. a few minutes before he'd been talking about dropping me off and going to target so,m assumed that meant he wasn't coming in. I said I didn't know and he said well how long? 30 minutes? 2 hours? 4 hours? at this point I did snap and say in a very angry tone "I don't know". So. that was a conversation killer
so.... then he came in with us (confusing). The dr appointment sucked for us. roomie did pipe in and make a comment about how badly my knee was constantly swelling. He also did say something about the doctor scolding us for coming in sooner than the doctor had told us too. so that was nice confirmation
we were right next to the hospital the roomie goes to and he was asking if they have an express service. He had some name for it and I said that might be an east coast thing. Anyway, he asked me if I needed him to hang for the cortisone injection the doctor gave me and I said no, and he took off to make some calls. So, after the appointment he says something about change of plans. I'm thinking he's running over to
hospital but no, he wants to go to a town about 35 minutes away to drop off some money for a background check so he can get a job.
That's where things fell apart. I probably should have just said no. I dunno. I was stressed. do not adapt well to changes of plans and also had a time limit because I had two dogs I had to check in on (my pet business). I said yes, but target is out and he owes me big. I told him ... something about having plans and not having plans change helping me with my anxiety. he talks a lot about his anxiety and how
it has to manage it so I was trying to put it in a way he would understand. he said it was for a job and he really needed a job, and I said I understood, that's why I was saying yes. so we head out and Im spinning out in a million ways and at one point he's getting on me for being upset and I tell him not everything is about him. I dunno. My brain was buzzing so bad it's hard to remember. I don't think I managed to add that I was spinning out about the dr appointment. And yeah, I was irritated with him. And he's a frustrating person to copilot for. Like if I tend to have to give him directions multiple times and then sometimes if I raise my voice he says don't yell, but he didn't hear me say "turn left" the previous two times until I did yell.
we had to get gas and I'd just put some in the tank. roomie didn't offer to pay. it added time and confusion and then finding her added time and confusion. if all went right, was going to push me to the absolute window of getting to those jobs on time. But all didnt go right. So I was way late by the time he met with the lady. Then he tells me he has to pee. I asked how bad and he said he could try to hold but it was bad. And we were 40 minutes out from the dog job. the first place we stop doesn't have bathroom so we have to go to a different place. When we stop he asks if he can get me anything to help me be in a better mood. I say what will help me is just getting to the jobs I have to do. So he
goes in and pees and comes out with a red bull and I was a bit pissed. I said something about not realizing he was also going to get
something to drink. He said there was a line and he was thirsty. I started to say something really snarky, realized it was going to be
snarky and instead said, "sorry, I'm super stressed about getting to the jobs on time.". He cut me off before I finished and I don't
remember what he said. something along the lines of he understood I was stressed but didn't need to yell at him.
So, the drive back I was driving. I wanted to drive because it's my freaking car and because if I was driving I'd have less time to think.
I had a minor melt down/cussing fit at one point because of a detour. And yes, I was cussing the detour and the navigator and my brain
because then I got confused about how some lanes were laid out. roomie offered to drive and I said I was ok and would prefer to drive. He
said he was just offering because I was obviously having some issues. his tone was not happy. I said I knew where I was now and besides (and I tried to keep my tone light). He'd had his own navigation issues. he didn't appreciate that.
So then on the long drive back he kept making snarky comments. The two that really got to me was him saying he was proud of me. (I had actually just said that to him the night before about finally going to a recovery meeting and he'd really appreciated that). I said for what and he said for my great attitude. He then repeated that. That's the point where I just shut down.. He also kept saying just be happy and fake it until you make it (trigger). So... after the umpteetth rendition of that I more or less did.
He had to ride along out the dog jobs because I had no time to take him home and was super late. this is my business, my dream I am trying to build so that was really upsetting. in theory, either owner could have gotten mad. I didn't report to them how late I was but my texts saying all was good would have been time stamped later than normal. it's probably fine, but it's scary. I keep thinking some neighbor is going to make some random comment and then... arg.... ok, that's me borrowing worry.
Then roomie wanted to go to the pharmacy. And I had stepped into old, old patterns and figured whatever he wanted hewas going to get. Besides, I was still being mr happy. So we went to the pharmacy. Once we got home we both went to our separate corners and avoided each other. I sent him a text, since he was avoiding me, that I was sorry I'd been an asshole. At some point he staggered into the kitchen. He was under the influence of .... something. My dog didn't like it and was sort of lungy and I accidently called the dog my roomies name..Roomie said something about that and I tried to explain that I mistoke and he said he knew that he was just joking around he wasn't stupid so again I just shut up. He then asked if having some quiet time had helped and I said "sure". I doubt I sounded happy about it and he said "that's the attitude"
so... then he disappeared into his trailer which is parked on the property, it was dark out there and he had no lights on and wasn't moving around and I knew he was wasted on something and that it had been a shit day so my mind started freaking out thinking he was going to kill himself or something so eventually I tried calling him. He didn't answer and I just said I was trying to make sure he was safe and he could come in the house because was going to bed. I did go into the bedroom but no sleep.
.
Thursday I had asked him if he would come with me to a doctor's appointment on friday that I was mega stressed about. I said I'd make a deal and go to target with him after the doctor appointment. He kept making jokes? about dropping me off and going to target. in the past he's been more supportive maybe or I could be muddled.
with roomie's jokes, I really didn't know if he was coming to the appointment or not. Friday morning I muttered something about trying
to be brave and ask 1 more time. so I asked if he would come to the appointment with me. I still didn't get a straight answer and honestly didn't know if he was coming or not. Even when we arrived I didnt know. Then he was asking how long the appointment was. a few minutes before he'd been talking about dropping me off and going to target so,m assumed that meant he wasn't coming in. I said I didn't know and he said well how long? 30 minutes? 2 hours? 4 hours? at this point I did snap and say in a very angry tone "I don't know". So. that was a conversation killer
so.... then he came in with us (confusing). The dr appointment sucked for us. roomie did pipe in and make a comment about how badly my knee was constantly swelling. He also did say something about the doctor scolding us for coming in sooner than the doctor had told us too. so that was nice confirmation
we were right next to the hospital the roomie goes to and he was asking if they have an express service. He had some name for it and I said that might be an east coast thing. Anyway, he asked me if I needed him to hang for the cortisone injection the doctor gave me and I said no, and he took off to make some calls. So, after the appointment he says something about change of plans. I'm thinking he's running over to
hospital but no, he wants to go to a town about 35 minutes away to drop off some money for a background check so he can get a job.
That's where things fell apart. I probably should have just said no. I dunno. I was stressed. do not adapt well to changes of plans and also had a time limit because I had two dogs I had to check in on (my pet business). I said yes, but target is out and he owes me big. I told him ... something about having plans and not having plans change helping me with my anxiety. he talks a lot about his anxiety and how
it has to manage it so I was trying to put it in a way he would understand. he said it was for a job and he really needed a job, and I said I understood, that's why I was saying yes. so we head out and Im spinning out in a million ways and at one point he's getting on me for being upset and I tell him not everything is about him. I dunno. My brain was buzzing so bad it's hard to remember. I don't think I managed to add that I was spinning out about the dr appointment. And yeah, I was irritated with him. And he's a frustrating person to copilot for. Like if I tend to have to give him directions multiple times and then sometimes if I raise my voice he says don't yell, but he didn't hear me say "turn left" the previous two times until I did yell.
we had to get gas and I'd just put some in the tank. roomie didn't offer to pay. it added time and confusion and then finding her added time and confusion. if all went right, was going to push me to the absolute window of getting to those jobs on time. But all didnt go right. So I was way late by the time he met with the lady. Then he tells me he has to pee. I asked how bad and he said he could try to hold but it was bad. And we were 40 minutes out from the dog job. the first place we stop doesn't have bathroom so we have to go to a different place. When we stop he asks if he can get me anything to help me be in a better mood. I say what will help me is just getting to the jobs I have to do. So he
goes in and pees and comes out with a red bull and I was a bit pissed. I said something about not realizing he was also going to get
something to drink. He said there was a line and he was thirsty. I started to say something really snarky, realized it was going to be
snarky and instead said, "sorry, I'm super stressed about getting to the jobs on time.". He cut me off before I finished and I don't
remember what he said. something along the lines of he understood I was stressed but didn't need to yell at him.
So, the drive back I was driving. I wanted to drive because it's my freaking car and because if I was driving I'd have less time to think.
I had a minor melt down/cussing fit at one point because of a detour. And yes, I was cussing the detour and the navigator and my brain
because then I got confused about how some lanes were laid out. roomie offered to drive and I said I was ok and would prefer to drive. He
said he was just offering because I was obviously having some issues. his tone was not happy. I said I knew where I was now and besides (and I tried to keep my tone light). He'd had his own navigation issues. he didn't appreciate that.
So then on the long drive back he kept making snarky comments. The two that really got to me was him saying he was proud of me. (I had actually just said that to him the night before about finally going to a recovery meeting and he'd really appreciated that). I said for what and he said for my great attitude. He then repeated that. That's the point where I just shut down.. He also kept saying just be happy and fake it until you make it (trigger). So... after the umpteetth rendition of that I more or less did.
He had to ride along out the dog jobs because I had no time to take him home and was super late. this is my business, my dream I am trying to build so that was really upsetting. in theory, either owner could have gotten mad. I didn't report to them how late I was but my texts saying all was good would have been time stamped later than normal. it's probably fine, but it's scary. I keep thinking some neighbor is going to make some random comment and then... arg.... ok, that's me borrowing worry.
Then roomie wanted to go to the pharmacy. And I had stepped into old, old patterns and figured whatever he wanted hewas going to get. Besides, I was still being mr happy. So we went to the pharmacy. Once we got home we both went to our separate corners and avoided each other. I sent him a text, since he was avoiding me, that I was sorry I'd been an asshole. At some point he staggered into the kitchen. He was under the influence of .... something. My dog didn't like it and was sort of lungy and I accidently called the dog my roomies name..Roomie said something about that and I tried to explain that I mistoke and he said he knew that he was just joking around he wasn't stupid so again I just shut up. He then asked if having some quiet time had helped and I said "sure". I doubt I sounded happy about it and he said "that's the attitude"
so... then he disappeared into his trailer which is parked on the property, it was dark out there and he had no lights on and wasn't moving around and I knew he was wasted on something and that it had been a shit day so my mind started freaking out thinking he was going to kill himself or something so eventually I tried calling him. He didn't answer and I just said I was trying to make sure he was safe and he could come in the house because was going to bed. I did go into the bedroom but no sleep.
.
D
Deleted member 12723
I need to think and will come back to this one Okay? You deserve a well thought out answer and some good support.:hug:
D
Deleted member 12723
There seems to be confusion on you setting boundaries and limits with this guy who appears to be freeloading off of you, using your things a lot and not being very responsible or appreciative or grateful for you sharing your car with him. He does not seem to pay for gas while he runs out of the gas you pay to put in. I would be pissed and I would not share my car with him if I was in your position.
Communication problems with him and you too. Communications are not clear.
He is an adult and can surely make other arrangements to be responsible for himself how did he manage before he had you?
The consequences to you could become disastrous if this continues because he placed your needs below his own.
I hope it all works out for you with your buisiness since it is your dream job.
He is spending his money on his substance abuse instead of paying to replace the gas he uses up that you pay for.
I would be very angry with this guy and would have him leave. He has a lot of issues and he is not appreciate or grateful to you for helping him out and it seems he is living off of you. I would get rid of him.
I think you are under a lot of pressure and stress with him being in your life and he does not respect or seem to acknowledge your boundaries.
This is my take on it so far.
Deanna
Diamond Member
Roomie is an addict and the OP- feels responsible for not figuring out Roomies communication( which can't be understood) but OP doesn't realize this.
OP- why is this a trigger? You are dealing with someone that has been to a program and has relapsed.
- Post starter
- #18
Muttly
Diamond Member
roomie started attending meetings again. so, he is trying to work on his addiction issues.... I know, I know, how things are with addicts.
@Rain Wow, I didn't quite expect that feedback. I am working at taking it on board. I feel like your assessment of roomie isn't completely fair but.. I need to think.
@Deanna's Gap Regardless of what is going on with the roomie, that particular statement is a trigger to me. That is what was shoved down my throat when I was a kid being bullied at school and abused at home.
@Rain Wow, I didn't quite expect that feedback. I am working at taking it on board. I feel like your assessment of roomie isn't completely fair but.. I need to think.
@Deanna's Gap Regardless of what is going on with the roomie, that particular statement is a trigger to me. That is what was shoved down my throat when I was a kid being bullied at school and abused at home.
This is typical, I feel, based on human nature. I think the biggest problem is the OP placing their needs below someone else's.
My litmus test for this type of thing is:
How does the roomie react when you say no? Do they take it graciously or not? If not, I suggest that you need to say no more often to see for yourself whether they are using you or not.
D
Deleted member 12723
I think so too. I loved your questions. I am sorry @Muttly if I have hurt you by what I said to you.:hug:
- Post starter
- #21
Muttly
Diamond Member
@shimmerz he's not been as friendly the last few days since I've been less giving. <shrugs> He does seem to have somewhat of an expectation that he can use the car. That other's will help. That his problems predominate. He reminds me a lot of my brother. And now that I see that, it's easier to set boundaries.
@Rain you did nothing wrong and while I didn't like reading your post, it was a slap in the head I needed. No, I don't think he's completely freeloading but the more I was letting him take (borrow money, use the car, etc) the more he did take. I'm pretty much done with that.
Heh, having said that, I did just let him borrow the car but that's going to be the exception not the norm.
At least... as long as I can keep from getting twisted up. :P
@Rain you did nothing wrong and while I didn't like reading your post, it was a slap in the head I needed. No, I don't think he's completely freeloading but the more I was letting him take (borrow money, use the car, etc) the more he did take. I'm pretty much done with that.
Heh, having said that, I did just let him borrow the car but that's going to be the exception not the norm.
At least... as long as I can keep from getting twisted up. :P
- Post starter
- #22
Muttly
Diamond Member
@Rain I think your reading was dead on and soon I will have to go home and deal with him. He's spinning out and now claiming I hustled him and so much of his communication is inconsistent and it reminds me so much of the crazy ass family I grew up in.
I need to figure out how to deal with this and stay clear and strong and I think Im just a pansy made to get walked over.
I need to figure out how to deal with this and stay clear and strong and I think Im just a pansy made to get walked over.
D
Deleted member 12723
You are not a pansy at all but in the grip of a master manipulator. You are very strong and will get through this because you are not alone. We are here with you to support you through whatever you need to do and say.
It is to be expected that he would turn up the heat because you are on to him and the head games he has been running on you. He probably even selected you because of your good nature which I am sorry that you are in this situation with him.
Please take extra special care of you and try not to beat yourself up. You have wonderful gifts and qualities as a person and he is just a user.:hug::hug::hug:
- Post starter
- #24
Muttly
Diamond Member
You'd think at some point I'd learn.
///
He's saying all kinds of stuff via text. He's saying he's going to move out and that would be great but I'm not sure I believe it. He's saying I'm charging too much which I know is BS. He's saying I upped it by $50 which *is* true and I explained to him and I have given him the option to work off rent each month. I did carefully spell this out in the rental agreement. He's saying that his friend is his legal guardian (what?) and needs to sign the rental agreement. This is the rental agreement that I gave to him a week before I had him sign it and kept telling him to look at it and we could talk about it and his friend was actually there for part of that. He's saying because he bought groceries twice he has been doing his share. Etc
///
He's saying all kinds of stuff via text. He's saying he's going to move out and that would be great but I'm not sure I believe it. He's saying I'm charging too much which I know is BS. He's saying I upped it by $50 which *is* true and I explained to him and I have given him the option to work off rent each month. I did carefully spell this out in the rental agreement. He's saying that his friend is his legal guardian (what?) and needs to sign the rental agreement. This is the rental agreement that I gave to him a week before I had him sign it and kept telling him to look at it and we could talk about it and his friend was actually there for part of that. He's saying because he bought groceries twice he has been doing his share. Etc
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