Rules of dating

[EveHarrington]

I am clueless when it comes to dating. And while I am swearing off relationships for the time being, I thought that starting this (hopefully ongoing) thread would prove helpful for at least a few of us.

All I ask is that if something is said in jest or just to be funny, please make it blatantly clear that you're joking. I want this to be a serious thread, but at the same time it can be funny, too. I'd just hate for someone to misunderstand a joke and take it as serious advice! Lol.

So what are your rules of dating?

What are DO's and what are DON'Ts?

Nothing is too basic. We can give advice for the novice all the way up to the experienced dater.

While I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who has a sexual abuse background, this is really for everyone with all kinds of trauma who need help in the dating realm.

I'll start.....

It is good to take your time before bringing sex into the picture. Sex complicates things, and the sexual aspect can be confusing to navigate when you're also trying to heal from trauma.

(Now I need to take my own advice!)

So what would you like to add?

No worries as we're not here to judge.....its up to each one of us to read through the advice and take what works for each one of us on an individual level.

Who's next? :)

 

[Ronin]

Just one.

Don't date.

Well, you asked 'your' rules of dating. :sneaky:

 

[420kitty]

I've dated a couple times since having ptsd. What I've come to find is what ronin said, lol. I just don't do it anymore. I feel as if I have too much unsettled baggage right now. Since then I have come up with few possible future dating ideas.

1. No fwb. 2. The other person must have their own money and car. 3. Sufficient time apart (no clinginess). 4. The other person can't be 'crazy'.

 

[EveHarrington]

I've dated a couple times since having ptsd. What I've come to find is what ronin said, lol. I just do...

What is your definition of crazy?

 

[illusionist]

In the dating game rules are made to be broken, so I never set any specifically for that reason.....although the rules I set my everyday life by were a good compass.......

Choose wisely before letting someone into my life.
Respect myself, my body, and others will be more inclined to respect me.
Stick to my boundaries I have made for myself...and not be swayed.

As in all relationships, go slowly.......it takes time to learn about someone, and time for them to show their true colours...only through experiences with the person, do you learn....that's when true love happens.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Wow great thread! Although right now- my T strongly advises against dating... :eek: The following are hopefully "my" rules for next time around..

1. Don't have sex before marriage or intimate touching just don't do it- this is from religious standpoint but also I do have a lot of sexual baggage due to trauma and I just think its for the best..
2. Don't say sexually explicit comments/don't lead them on... struggle with this one and then find myself stuck
3. Don't sell myself sexually- How do I expect them to not treat me like a slut if I act like one?
4. No public displays of sexual acts- I don't need to explain this one..
5. Emotional Intimacy! Don't be afraid- without the sex used as an avoidance mechanism this will hopefully be easier to accomplish in future relationships
6. Don't change myself just to please/avoid conflict- accept the conflict it is not going to kill me and if they end up not liking me isn't that better than being stuck in a relationship where I am not "me"?
7. I don't know about this one- It is ok to depend on another person? This is what my abusive x husband told me when we were dating and I let down shields and then he was abusive? I'm still grappling with this concept.

 

[Supervixn]

6. Don't change myself just to please/avoid conflict- accept the conflict it is not going to kill me and if they end up not liking me isn't that better than being stuck in a relationship where I am not "me"?

This! Wow.

 

[420kitty]

What is your definition of crazy?

I feel crazy at times. I guess what I mean by that is mood swings. I'm already enough drama for 2 people. Ha.