Ruminations Are Killing Me

[intrasearching]

These damn ruminations...

Every day, the cycling anxiety, worrying about losing my mind, it rips at me like claws against my burning, acidic stomach.

And then there's also anger. When someone contradicts me I feel momentary anger - I want to retaliate and call them out. It's so silly, so useless. There's no reason to be so angry.

And then with the incessant thoughts harassing me all day every day, I eventually get so worn down that I lose the will to protect myself - I figure so what if those scary things happen? Let them. I don't care. Let it all come crashing down on me.

But of course, the anxiety doesn't relent. And I still react to it.

I am overloaded with stress. Feelings of extreme guilt. Feelings of extreme apprehension. WTF.

It's horrendously painful.

 

[billie]

That was worded perfectly, I can relate to your post. I literally cannot work at the moment in consecutive days because of it. I look forward to reading the advice people will give you.

 

[intrasearching]

I'm sorry you're also in this mess, billie. I hope some good advice comes along for us as well. hehe

 

[franciemarnie]

When people contradict you, are they denying your reality? That makes me nuts due to denial of reality in childhood.

If I am sitting on anger related to trauma, I am more likely to overreact to something that isn't commensurate to my response.

I try to get out of my head, totally distracted. Working (voluntarily - not necessarily a job) with others for the greater good in a safe environment works best.

Working out too.

I know what a drag thought loops are. Bummer man.

 

[IJustWant2beFree]

@intrasearching


Oh gosh I feel your pain. I can relate as today was one of those days for me. Intrusive thoughts just beating me up while I slowly lose to will to fight and protect myself. I'm tired of being stuck in "survival mode" fighting a situation that happened over a year ago, yet had severe, internally-damaging impacts on me. I just want my frickin' mind back, that's all I ask for in this life. It's so hard to want to desperately pull yourself out of this hell yet at the same time feel helpless on how to actually DO that. I know it's hard and I can only hope that it'll gradually get better for you. *sending you much empathy and encouragement*

 

[intrasearching]

@IJustWant2beFree

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

I hope the best for you.

In my case, I'm not worried about something that already happened. I am worried about something that /could/ happen, but more than likely will not. Every day this fear eats at me. Sometimes, every thought that I have fills me with deep dread, and my stomach is always torn to **** and I feel I could vomit at any time.

Anxiety - it blows!