Relationship Running Away

[Cdnmofo]

T

Old enough to understand what?

To understand J's PTSD and TBI and work together not to trigger them. And understand what he means to me and my happiness

@Justmehere
J did not say "he leaves or me" in front of my son but directly to me. He has threatened to leave several times over such triggers. He later talks it out with me and promises he lives me enough we can work thru this

I do recognize my son is trying to change some behaviours. It just never seems to be enough fiorJt

@Snowwhite

Thank you Snowehite. I've asked J to setup therapy for family and couples. It's along wait to get in. We are waiting to hear from the VAC

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sounds like a guy demanding to be the alpha male. Protect your children and yourself. 8 years of treatment and now this? You are in a lose-lose situation IMHO. Do you really want a family dynamic wherein your son is not welcome? Lots and lots of men have deep assertive tones. Fiancé can't just banish them all. He needs ongoing therapy to guide him gently through his new reality. I wish he hadn't been injured. It's such a sadness for everyone involved. Especially your fiancé . Remembering who he was and now what remains. My heart goes out to all of you.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

He is threatening to leave me as he can no longer live with my son as he is too much of a trigger

Wow, that is a big, very hurtful threat. Does your son know about this?

PTSD or not, he has no right to treat you or your kids this way. If he can no longer live with your son, who you are saying is already making an effort to change for your fiancé, then he should make some changes of his own. He may not be saying it literally, but with this behaviour he is pushing you into a corner while making you choose between him and your son. No one in the world has the right to force a mother to make this kind of choice. I actually find it very shocking that the man who is supposed to love you and stay with you for the rest of your lives is being so selfish and hateful.

This is not directly related to his PTSD; his threatening behaviour is part of who he is. PTSD may have amplified it, but making threats and guilt-tripping others are not symptoms of PTSD.

I agree with @KwanYingirl : protect your family first. He needs help. If he wants to be with you, he needs to change.

I wish you all the strength in rhe world coping with this. I truly hope things will work out for you eventually.

 

[Cdnmofo]

@Snowwhite

This was also a threat said very early today. He says thus but he would leave and make the chice fur me. I don't think he'd actually expect me to choose. These are things I'm learning. With TBI as well he has a hard time filtering his thoughts before spoken After talking today ( he's still at the campsite) I've spoken about what I go thru to understand And forgive his mistakes, the kids are trying to learn and adjust too. He needs to focus more on the positives and not the negatives There have been more than just my son. And said this could be manageable with family therapy He has apologised to me but not sure he will my son or vice verse. He's just agreed we will work on this more :).

Thanks again for your words if encouragement. They are helpful.

 

[scout86]

I'm not exactly going to defend your fiance, but maybe I'm sort of going to defend him a little.

Your story reminded me of a situation I was in a few years ago. At the time, I hadn't been diagnosed with anything, and had never had any treatment. (And, although there were some strong signs I had "issues" I was sure I was fine.) I was in the middle of a divorce and was sort of between homes, at the time of this incident, I was staying with some friends, a mother & her daughter. The mother can be pretty loud and kind of outspoken. There had been a few days of more yelling than I could easily handle. Finally, one evening, it got to the point where I just couldn't take it any more. I hopped in my truck and "went for a drive" and spent the next few nights sleeping in the truck in the parking lot of a near by state park. It wasn't comfortable, but it was the best deal I had, at the time.

I'm not saying he's right, just that I kind of get where he may be coming from. Having said that, I'd like to suggest the time to sort out all the family stuff is BEFORE the 2 of you get married. I hope you guys can work it out!

 

[Justmehere]

I would consider setting up community based family and couple therapy ASAP, don't wait for the VA - especially when it impacts the whole family. You may get help much quicker outside of the VA and then you all can switch to the VA if needed when they get around to it.

If money is holding you back, and you are in the US, try the local county community mental health center. It sounds like J feels overwhelmed trying to handle family life right now, and hopefully he will go back to more frequent therapy sessions too.

 

[Cdnmofo]

@Link Removed
We are going to do what we can as fast as we can. I think we need it as a family and J needs to go back to therapy on a more scheduled time again. Thanks

 

[Cdnmofo]

Link Removed
I understand what you are saying. We do our best to take heated discussions away from J. For example, when my oldest son has had a bad day at work and needs to vent when he gets home, he will send me a text. J will go in the garage or elsewhere so that I can talk to my son. If he can't hear it, it doesn't bother him and my son gets to vent. This is a solution that works for us. Unfortunately my other son, the one who tends to trigger J often, doesn't always do this. He has a loud voice to begin with and J is very protective of me. We are trying to find a solution for this. Although it is proving very difficult.

The next step is family therapy.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Tread carefully through this. You are asking your sons to change yet they don't see change in J. You'll be risking esmaculating your sons and that would be tragic for them. They have not self actualized yet and need positive reinforcement not negative. It's like you're saying 'you're not wanted the way you are'. Just to please a trigger happy boyfriend . Is the benefit worth the risk to your sons self esteem?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am also thinking about what will be next. Sure, your son can leave but what will your boyfriend ask you to get rid of next? It's not a solution to the problem. Does your son ever get to visit or would that be too 'triggering'?

 

[digger]

Making an ultimatum like that when your son is due to move out in couple of weeks anyway, is bang out of order in my opinion. I hope when he calms down he sees that and you are all able to sit down and talk about this maturely.

With regard to the 'running away' though, I actually think leaving the situation to cool off is okay, if that's what he's doing.