Running Into A Past Abuser... How To Cope?

[rockyspine]

Hi all. Sorry if something like this has been posted somewhere else, I didn't see anything. I could use some help with this.

Well, for the past year after many years of work, I've been maintaining really well. I am on the road to recovery and loving it. I have a great boyfriend now and life seems to be moving forward really well. The problem is, I get hung up on some things from time to time and am not sure how to get past them. One of them is running into a past abuser.

Not sure what the rules are for warnings here but please don't read any further if you want to avoid negative sexual things...

The guy I'm talking about raped me at a house party about 6 years ago. He drugged me and so on. I was a virgin at the time. I think that made it more traumatic for me. I don't remember much of it, but I still get flashbacks of what I do remember to this day. I have been abused other times too, but I think that one really sent me on a bad path... Anyway sorry I am just mentioning that so you have an idea of what I am dealing with for running into him.

I haven't seen him in years (I moved away from that town, got new group of friends, etc). But I am attending a wedding next weekend, one of my boyfriend's friends. I had no idea my past abuser was connected to it until my boyfriend went away on a guys bachelor party weekend for the groom, and posted a nice group photo of them all, smiling on top of a cliff. And guess who was in the picture... yep, that guy. One of the groomsmen. I nearly fell off my chair.

So, my question is, how do I deal with seeing him at the wedding? I've told my boyfriend what happened (awhile ago) but he doesn't understand at all. He is a great guy and very supportive and loves me very much, but he just does not understand any of my PTSD symptoms or know what it is, or even talk to me about it. I think maybe he doesn't know what to say or how to help me so he doesn't like talking about it, and also I try to not bring it up that much because I don't want to come across as "crazy" to him (I always try to prove to people how normal and strong I am, never like them to see the weak). My boyfriend mentioned how well the guy is doing in real estate now. I'm like, why would I want to hear that...

I know I can't stop my boyfriend from seeing him/hanging out with him at the wedding, but I really hope they don't become friends. Part of me is angry because I think, if he really loved me, he wouldn't have a great time riding dirtbikes with my past abuser and talk about how great his career is going, acting like he wants to be friends with him. They even friended each other on Facebook. I am restraining myself because I don't want to be like, "You can't be friends with him because he abused me" or stuff like that. But it does upset me and I'm not sure how to communicate it, or if it's even fair to say anything and if I should just keep my mouth shut.

Ok, wow, sorry I guess I have two questions now....

1. How do I cope with seeing him at the wedding next week? (I have been dreading it now since I found out)
2. How can I make my boyfriend understand how much this bothers me and affects me - or should I just keep it to myself?

Thanks. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your boyfriend is being an insensitive ASS! (And that's putting it nicely!)

It's not like you're telling him to give up an old childhood friend. You don't want him to become friends with your rapist. This is by no means an unreasonable request.

If I was dating someone who became friends with a past abuser, I would have no problem whatsoever dumping him. That's a line you just don't cross.

Do NOT keep this to yourself. It will breed resentment. Get it out. If he can't see things from your point of view, then maybe he isn't such a great guy. Read: great guys don't become friends with their girlfriends rapist. If you are a strong person, you'll be able to confront your boyfriend on this topic. Keeping it inside isn't a sign of strength.

Think about it this way. Say your boyfriend was violently assaulted at knife point and sustained serious injuries. The assailant then turned his life around and you decided that you could become friends with him simply because he's now a successful guy, even though your boyfriend is still recovering from the attack. Would you expect your boyfriend to be cool with that? Heck no! Really, it's the same thing.

I'm not always so adamant about telling people to move on, but if he can't see your side of things, I really think you need to reconsider if he's a keeper.

I wish you the best.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I agree. And not wanting your boyfriend to befriend your rapist is not a PTSD issue. That's basic respect. I don't mean to be harsh, but if he cares about you then it shouldnt be an issue at all. You really will need his support if you will have to face the abuser.

Hope it goes ok.

 

[Hashi]

rockyspine, I have to say I'm also seriously struggling with your boyfriends take on this. I don't think you should be having to ask how to make him understand how much this bothers you. Any supportive person would understand your feelings about someone who raped you. As Bewitched says, this isn't about having a knowledge of PTSD. Everyone knows what rape is.

I am restraining myself because I don't want to be like, "You can't be friends with him because he abused me" or stuff like that. But it does upset me and I'm not sure how to communicate it, or if it's even fair to say anything and if I should just keep my mouth shut.

You have every right to say you don't want him to be friends with this person. It's fair to say how you feel about anything, but especially about something as serious as this.

I don't think you have to go to the wedding. I assume that you'd be doing that out of consideration for your boyfriend, since you said it's the wedding of one of his friends. But your boyfriend isn't showing consideration for you.

Do you see a therapist? I think it would be good to talk to someone in real life about this. It sounds like you try to put on a face to the world to hide your PTSD symptoms as much as you can, and that's understandable, but to feel the need to put on a face with someone you're in a relationship with is problematic. You might be risking retraumatisation because of feeling reluctant to talk to your boyfriend about this. It sounds like a complicated situation that needs talking through with someone qualified to help you.

 

[Raj]

I have cut off all contact with my Parents and siblings because of this exact thing, putting want they want over my well being. It really appears like a dangerous game to be playing, to be involved with someone so disrespectful of you as a person!

Please be careful and just speaking for myself I can't go to the store alone if I run into a past abuser, for several months. The wedding has to be your decision and I would never allow anyone to force me into an uncomfortable situation, for me being with a dangerous person from my past is way too uncomfortable.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Do you still want to go to the wedding? Knowing that he will be there, do you want to attend anyway? If not, then don't go. It's not compulsory attendance and you can choose not to go.

I agree, your 'boyfriend' is being an ass and if I was in a relationship with him...well, I wouldn't be with him anymore. You've every right to be upset about this and if he can't see that then he's utterly selfish.

 

[rockyspine]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your replies. The general consensus of them made me realize it is a larger issue that I was making it out to be. I tend to do that - tell myself things aren't big deals or tell myself I am over-reacting about things. So, I needed that push to realize that I was being reasonable, even though it made me a bit defensive at first (hence my waiting a few days to reply), so thank you.

Communication is something we need to work on. I am just terrible at getting things out verbally as I just get upset and can't find the proper words. Also, if I'm being honest, I like to avoid confrontation... And he has some communication issues of his own. So, this helped a bit. I did talk to him about it and at first he didn't understand and acted like he "forgot" I told him about the incident before. Maybe he didn't really understand when I told him before what happened (as I said, I need some work on communicating!). Before, I had used words like "attack" and I guess milder language because I still don't like to say it out loud, but this time I laid it all out in very plain speak.

I ended up writing it to him in a message since I am much more comfortable communicating that way (I am a writer after all) and although he doesn't like messaging much, he listened and understood that way. We later talked about it in person and he apologized and said he was being a jerk.

As for the wedding, he said he understood if I didn't want to go and I realize I don't have to, but I actually kind of want to. Not in a looking-forward-to-it way, but in a look-how-much-better-I-am-than-you way to my past abuser. I am very independent and don't like to let people know things bother me, so I want him to see that I am just fine and that he hasn't changed me at all. Might not be 100% true, but he doesn't rule my life and I want to show that. Might be immature, but that's where my head is at right now I guess.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your answers and they helped me realize I was being disrespectful to myself for planning not to mention anything. Feels a lot better now that my boyfriend understands and I stood up for myself. :)