Running To Therapy Appointment And Back

[Poppycocteau]

Like everyone else here, I find going to see the therapist extremely difficult in lots of ways. I'm a little better with it than I was in that I don't feel nauseous for as many days before the appointment and cry the entire time any more, but still.

A fear I have that is unrelated to my PTSD is that of gynecological issues. Ever since I can remember, I have had a horror of the female reproductive system and the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. Even if I see a diagram of the female reproductive system or hear the word 'cervix', I get all squirmy and anxious and have to struggle to control my breathing and not descend into a panic attack. This particular fear has gotten worse with the advent of my PTSD, so I am trying to treat it as another thing that I must face. Not a trigger exactly, but an irrational fear that I want to learn to control. To this end, I was deliberately reading about IUDs (Intra-Uterine Devices, a form of contraception) on the internet, practicing breathing exercises, and trying to accept the idea as something normal. My ultimate goal is to conquer my fear and have one fitted. I'd be really proud if I could do that. This was a couple of hours before my appointment with the Therapist, which perhaps wasn't the best time to read about it, but I felt ashamed as I hadn't done any of the tasks she suggested for PTSD, like getting a box of cigarettes (a trigger) and simply keeping them in the flat. I had felt unable to face doing this. The reading about IUDs, I hoped, would help me feel more pro-active and less like I had stagnated with my PTSD therapy. It did make me feel better in a sense, but in another I ended up in tears and struggling with panic before I was even dressed to go to therapy.

The upshot of all of this is that I decided that I would run to the appointment, to work off the anxiety and adrenaline produced by reading the IUD stuff: I was really pleased to find that running both there and back seems to help a lot with the depression, fear and anxiety that usually plague me in such circumstances, and I plan to do this with my future appointments. Perhaps this is an idea that other people reading might try and also find helpful - I hope so.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Fantastic job! That is all taking a good, but safe step. I am sorry you struggled after the fact...but it seems like a good step. Maybe in the future you could set aside specific time?

Ok, so as an ex-smoker, I got to question having a pack around...but I guess I would be tempted to smoke them. But even with trauma therapy I struggle to find something soothing or distracting at times...I would worry about starting to smoke having them around.

 

[Poppycocteau]

Oh, I'm not concerned at all about being tempted to smoke them. I have always thought smoking a horrible habit and wouldn't do it if I were paid, it's just that the related paraphernalia - lighters, cigarette boxes, etc - is a trigger because Adam smoked whilst he was ill (my trauma diary explains this a little better), and the fact that I will see and smell people smoking makes dealing with anger and keeping calm when outside much more difficult. I am, however, reluctant to spend money on something I hate so much . . . perhaps I could find an empty box lying in the street and take it home.

Thankyou for the kind encouragement :)

 

[SimplyComplex]

what about just a lighter to start? Do you have one? You could always use it to BBQ or candles. Maybe put it out where he kept his?

I read your trauma diary. It reminded me of when I first met my husband. We met online as well and I moved in with him quickly. A month after I moved here, he got suddenly very ill and nearly died. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital, they said they thought he had serious and rapidly fatal cancer. He wasted away so quickly. I was way, way, way over my head (I was 21 years old). No one came to help and so I was left to nurse him. I very much got PTSDish over that whole thing. Took years to be able to even drive near the hospital. Every time we went to the doctor I nearly panicked. It was rough. But I look back and had PTSD likely since childhood. Emotional, sexual, verbal and some mild physical abuse lead to it from both my parents. Then my sister died young and suddenly when we were teenagers. I think once your brain is traumatized, and you get PTSD, new traumas really affect you more. Anyways, that is my take on it for me. Although you already know your brain is a bit organized differently with Autism.

I am glad Adam got better, but I am so sorry that you have to live with the scars. You were a good friend to nurse him through all that...now it is time to nurse yourself through your own healing.

 

[anthony]

Nice work poppy.... exercise is awesome to contain depression. Well done.

 

[Poppycocteau]

I am scared of lighters for a very good reason, actually - I threw a satchel (belonging to Adam) containing one into a corner once, and it caught fire and I had to run with the flaming bag to the sink and extinguish it, which was terrifying. So I'm not willing to have them in the house as I think they're very dangerous. I think I'd rather have an empty box than anything, if I have to have something at all, which I suppose I do.

I'm really sorry you went through what you did with your first husband - that sounds horrendous. Your whole experience sounds somewhat similar to mine, what with the parental abuse not helping to begin with, and then the illness of your partner. You're probably right about early trauma affecting the way we deal with things in later life - I have often thought that I'd be better adjusted if I hadn't been full of stress and anxiety when I was young because of how my father treated me.

xXx