Sabotage Again

[Bodu_Birch]

Okay so, I'm so very annoyed with myself right now!
I feel completely powerless like I'm watching me throw away MY chance for help and change. I can see me doing it right now!!
It's what I do to Fob people off that annoys me the most. People who are trying to help me. I made the first move at the docs office and now I am powerless to the self preservation of the fragments of me which are very well versed in self sabotage.
I'm so good at that it's been suggested that I don't need a high level of support through counselling.
And what is my response?
'Well, err... yes, I agree'
Why do I do this to myself?
I have done the same thing over and over for all but 5 or 6 years of my life..I know the tools to cope and can help others (I committed most of my early adulthood learning to use the outdoors as a development tool to help others change their lives around. And I have worked hard to to just that for last 8 years). Now I can't work. In the past I've also broke off a Wedding, scraped by exams even when I knew I could have put more in, left good secure employment, not giving doctors all my symptoms (I have EDS and can't tell docs how it is affecting me) harming myself, suicidal ideation etc etc... pushing help away.
I can't do it again. I'm 34 years old.. and my trauma started when I was born. I got out but still feel like im living in semi permanent traumatic state.

 

[Lee2001]

Well I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is soooo challenging! So as far as not telling the doctors everything I can get that. I totally have acted fine for a very long time to others but was falling apart on the inside. It is very easy to fool others. I think it may be a protection mechanism or for me even denial. I am 34 years old like you and most of trauma from child hood. So obviously we can wait years and years to get true help. I was wondering if maybe you could make another doctors apt or some kind of mental health apt and then maybe write down all of your symptoms. That way they could read it, you wouldn't have to tell them in the moment, and less likely to back out of telling them you are "fine". Hope you get some relief and feel better.

 

[Holdingontohope]

You are not alone in the self-sabatoge arena. I have found myself there many times. It is getting to be less often now thought. Like Lee said, maybe writing down your symptoms, how you end up self-sabatoging, etc. and taking it to an appointment with your doctor or a mental health provider would be helpful. You could even use what you wrote in your post here to try to help explain to them whats going on if you are having trouble writing up something.

Some of the things that have made a difference for me so that I don't self-sabotage as much now include having a really supportive T who could recognize what was going on, learning that even when I felt like things were out of control I could control what I said and did (for example when I feel like self-harming now I can pick up the phone and call someone for help first, this was really hard at first but has gotten easier over time), recognizing when I was doing something that wouldn't help my recovery (such as not going back to therapy) and being willing to talk openly about those things. Another important step for me was believing that I was worth helping, that I was worth putting in the time and effort to make changes, and that I was worth the time that others(such as T) put in to try to help me too.

I think that you have made a great step towards working on this issue. You are able to recognize what is going on. There was a point in my life where I didn't even recognize that I was doing things that were just going to hurt me/my recovery. So, being able to recognize it is where change starts.

Do you have a T you are working with? If not, maybe look into finding one?

 

[Bodu_Birch]

Firstly, Thank you so much for sharing your support and thoughts.
I have attempted to do the letter thing twice recently. I wrote it down for my Doc and for C my crisis worker at the time.. my post is pretty much what I wrote for them. With the doc I just switched into this really overly passive muttering wreck and didn't hand the letter over. I tried to say it instead and it didn't go well. Second time with C I again tried to explain it instead and she said that it was completely normal. Normal! ? Come to think about it, she didn't let me speak about my trauma. She said I didn't need any help from the mental health team and that my skills on coping (from my work) out stretch the support I could receive. I lied to her about how I was coping, so easily. Yet I did tell her (or tried to) about my sabotage thing and she said it was completely normal?
It really doesn't feel normal
I am in therapy. My doc referred me to a place that "specialise" in adult survivors of childhood trauma. It's one hour once a fortnight. This makes me mad as I know I don't have a mental health team for support... and I'm now not sure I want one! yet it plays right into my hands. I haven't committed to it. I turn up get upset for an hour. Go away feeling awful. Forget about it. Miss nxt appointment. Go to next one and repeat. I've put my Hubby through an awful lot these last year's and well circumstances have meant we are both very stretched with caring for his father and trying to work and me being the way I am. We do talk about things but not my trauma at all. Im not there yet. I tried to explain to him about what's going on for me but he looks so shocked or he'll say i should stop worrying or he'll say it's because I sleep all day and stay up all night. He's right but not helpful. My family only know what I need them to know. I suppose I maybe using this as an excuse cause I'm so scared of how much I have in here... so I haven't committed. And then I'm in conflict again. So I keep going to T and keep trying to keep my H in some sort of a loop, nd i stay in conflict.
Sorry I know that sounds very defeatist but it''s where I'm at.. I will try to write a letter to my T. I joined here to try and get support and writing is really difficult process. But it's worth it and kind of therapeutic in its way.

 

[Bodu_Birch]

I feel more alone now than I ever have

 

[Lee2001]

I am so sorry to hear that it wasn't easy for you and that the T didn't give you any help! All I have to say is you will have to be your own advocate here and keep trying. It's hard as part of PTSD makes getting help challenging. Just keep at it and don't give up on this. A lot of times T or doctors truly don't get how significant symptoms may be etc. Especially if you are a professional or seem to be efficient at life from having education etc. I am actually an RN and have run into this with T saying, " oh you already know all of this from your training and so on"... Just because you have training doesn't make you exempt. A lot of counselors have been through their own hell and came back stronger for it. Hope your day gets better.