Safety when there's no safe people

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
How is that not a lack of emotional safety? I can't let my guard down because if I do, I'll get hurt again. I can't trust. I can't relax back into our normal dynamic before this happened. How is it safe to be close to someone who leaves at the worst possible time?
Is there a way of changing this?
I don't know your full situation, so apologies if this post is all wrong. I can be quite black/white when it comes to my sense of loyalty or 'seeing' me. I.e if I have been hurt once by someone's lack of thought/emotional neglect, I take that to mean: danger. And that stays and I retreat and it feels like that is it: no repair to be achieved. However, we all, however wonderful we might be, will have lack of thought. And have it at times that matter to the person we just weren't present with. Doesn't mean danger. Just means human. That situation can be changed by us thinking about our trauma brains (and this only works for me when I'm not emotionally flooded), and having a calm discussion with the person about what you need in those moments (but not having that discussion in the moment, but when emotionally reflective and contained).

If you have had those discussions and he doesn't get it, then it's about what you think is appropriate in terms of staying in a relationship and accepting the limitations, or deciding it isn't right for you?

I hope you feel a sense of safety. It's horrible not feeling safe.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
How do you find a sense of safety when you're triggered AF and don't feel like there is anyone safe around?

My partner is trying but I remember things he's done that make him unsafe so I am not feeling soothed around him. I have my dog and normally that is enough but the last few days it just isn't.

I have activities I can do for general relaxation but my anxiety is spiking whenever I am around other people because "people = danger" and the one person who consistently helped me override that belief is now part of the rest of the people sometimes. So I guess I'm asking how do you feel safe around other people when people = danger?
I don’t. I’m better through realizing what’s causing it. That took a long time . I did so many things to try and fix it externally . Nothing worked . I became reclusive . It was hard to go out in the front yard and cut the grass. It took me years literally to go to the regular grocery store. I’m always having to remind myself everyone is not out to get me .

For me, it’s been a long road.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
For a long time until I actually went to therapy, I had no idea what is safe or even knew the language of safety. So when I learned intellectually and bodily, I realized ooh yeah I got it! what I did instead was use strategy rather than emotional processing so de facto appeal to my adult side rather than my child parts ...(even though I was definitely not processing it that way). I felt I need to depend on myself alone in this moment until next moment...and that has become my habit without knowing I was feeling unsafe. I was feeling "attacked" or "insulted" or "afraid". and I just waited until I could remove myself physically and then relax and take a deep breathe. The first time I experienced the feeling of safe, I was floored...literally!

Now in your relationship, I think there are two things that seem to mix. Your own management of yourself and expectation of your partner's emotional response. IMHO, it appears you probably chose a person who is not the most supportive cause somewhat, somewhere, you thought you could let that part go and support yourself and that part that believed that is crying out for support. The most unfortunate thing in adulthood is what we expect and what we get may not align all the time and we have to somewhat fall into our own our resource. I think you may have many other reasons why you are with your partner and this search of safety is really an individual thing. At the end, from what I learned, it is so easy to make us feel unsafe, but to really feel safe is inside job.

Maybe the issue is your feelings of safety (bodily.mind or both) versus the expectation of your partner's support and general emotional giving are not necessarily related but get mixed when one is operating much lower than usual or you are feeling threatened real or perceived.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
For a long time until I actually went to therapy, I had no idea what is safe or even knew the language of safety. So when I learned intellectually and bodily, I realized ooh yeah I got it! what I did instead was use strategy rather than emotional processing so de facto appeal to my adult side rather than my child parts ...(even though I was definitely not processing it that way). I felt I need to depend on myself alone in this moment until next moment...and that has become my habit without knowing I was feeling unsafe. I was feeling "attacked" or "insulted" or "afraid". and I just waited until I could remove myself physically and then relax and take a deep breathe. The first time I experienced the feeling of safe, I was floored...literally!

Now in your relationship, I think there are two things that seem to mix. Your own management of yourself and expectation of your partner's emotional response. IMHO, it appears you probably chose a person who is not the most supportive cause somewhat, somewhere, you thought you could let that part go and support yourself and that part that believed that is crying out for support. The most unfortunate thing in adulthood is what we expect and what we get may not align all the time and we have to somewhat fall into our own our resource. I think you may have many other reasons why you are with your partner and this search of safety is really an individual thing. At the end, from what I learned, it is so easy to make us feel unsafe, but to really feel safe is inside job.

Maybe the issue is your feelings of safety (bodily.mind or both) versus the expectation of your partner's support and general emotional giving are not necessarily related but get mixed when one is operating much lower than usual or you are feeling threatened real or perceived.
You make some great points. That first session with the new therapist gave me a bodily experience of emotional safety so now I have a frame of reference and, yeah, I basically never feel safe if that's what feeling safe is like.

You have a good point that there's multiple things going on with my relationship. I actually chose to marry him bc he was so good at emotional support. Unfortunately he did a kind of bait and switch fairly shortly after we married and I moved states to be with him, and I just never have been able to get out. You are right that ultimately safety is an inside job.

And perhaps those things are getting mixed up when I'm triggered. I don't think he will actively attack me out of nowhere. It's not that type of safety issue. It's just emotional safety. It's not safe to get close to someone that won't treat the connection with care and respect.
 
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