Saying goodbye to friends

[Mee]

i lost a few acquaintances at the time of my ‘traumatic event’. It’s regrettable but not a ‘huge deal’. It compounded the trauma that they felt they knew what was going on and were suggesting partial truths or lies or Chinese whispers and being somewhat antagonistic. It was painful in a general sense but ... these were not close friends; It wasn’t grevious.


More recently for a few reasons I have been looking at my social circle and evaluating it.

My therapist and husband are both some what in favour of me saying good bye to EVERYONE I had in common with the person who triggered my ptsd.

I think this is slightly over reacting. Yes; in someways they are a reminder. But me being alive is a reminder! Every thing I say or do is a reminder. Even the absence of things is a reminder .

I have started to look at people to whom I am not close and question the validity of our acquaintance.

Has any one else left a whole social circle, even people they care for, behind, in attempt to reestablish security in associations with others? Could this really be helpful?

 

[mumstheword]

I have. When I left my abusive long-term relationship I left both the town we lived in and the social circle we moved in. It's painful but was necessary. My ex is a bit of a king pin and so in order to avoid people who think he's great (classic, charismatic sociopathic, narcassistic charmer) I avoid pretty much all social situations where I encounter trigger people. I'm trying to push the boundaries of this as it keeps my world pretty small to avoid all that and I believe in the "exposure therapy" approach, but, in my case, anything to do with him has been, and remains much of the time, hugely triggering. Oh, I ended up moving back to the town for my children and it's been ongoingly excruciating. I'm going inpatients shortly to see if I can make some headway on that.

 

[Freida]

yep - a couple times. Once people become a trigger I'm done. It may not be fair to them but its not fair to me to have to keep people in my life who make me miserable. And trigger people? they make me miserable.

And oddly enough - once I move on from them someone new/better inevitably pops up in my life.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are these people just acquaintances?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It depends upon the people and the situation involved for me. I have left so many groups of people because I had been attracted to very dysfunctional people through out my life but I am at the age now where it is harder to meet new friends and the good friends I do have are fading fast from health problems so I am looking to younger people to meet now.

I wish you well on your way to figuring it all out for yourself and hope that you are trusting what your gut instincts are telling you about what is going on right now.

 

[Mee]

Are these people just acquaintances?

I think true ‘soul friends’ in life are very , very few. To say good bye to these ( and there are a couple in this group but I consider them separately) would be self destructive too.

There are some who are just acquaintances. I will be sad to stop having kinder contact from them but it would change my life.

The ones who it makes me concerned to think about are the ones I consider friends , not acquaintances but not give my kidney for friends
:).

 

[Mee]

I am proceeding with this slowly.
Each one feels sad and relief too.

 

[Mee]

Well; One of my friends said good bye to me . Not one I was pkabninv to say good bye too. I waited for a traumatic reaction but none happened. I feel love got her and support for her making a decision right for her. hurt sure, but.... Not like it's the end of the world. That's it.

I really feel this is a very wonderful part of the process.

My therapist spent some with me trying to get me to feel anfer over this, trying to use it as a key to feel anger over the traumatic episode and I just still cannot feel ’anger’. I feel like it confirmed a little bit of some sad core beliefs but also some real lifting of a burden . My friend was involved in the traumatic event and let me down. It took forgiveness to get past that. I can be more self focused now; which sounds selfish but might be helpful for my recovery

 

[Mee]

I have to warn people; this is like a snowball.

I am trying to leave myself with mire than a couple if acquaintences.

It's so... Freeing.

I have never been a person who courts popularity but have found others’ perceptions and reactions impactful in trauma. Deciding to let go of people from my life is a little like reclaiming my safety zone built on my parameters not others’. It's not a fix and its perhaps not ideal. I have only cried three times this week and not had a single proper panic attack. Triggers in my situation are impossible to avoid but I feel I had a really good week.

I find myself looking through contacts lists thinking ’ right; Who else is not a mutually beneficial relationship.

I don’t think it's a cure but the impact is significant.

On the plus side: i also plan to travel to see three friends soon. I feel positive i am planning ’expeditions’

 

[TruthSeeker]

i lost a few acquaintances at the time of my ‘traumatic event’. It’s regrettable but not a ‘huge d...

I was adopted as an infant (chosen they call it), had incestuous relationship with older bro who was revered by mother, cold relationship with parents, became the family scapegoat, grew up and married a very physically abusive man in the military, got pregnant, parents knew there were significant problems, and were able to help but didn't offer to...."go see a priest" was the only advice given to me, waited 10 years.....tried marriage # 2, daughter had lots of issues, anxiety, medical problems, stayed married to the narcissist.husband....got sicker and sicker. Bro who I had minimal contact with,.hijacked our elderly father across state lines, does mind control on the old man, and my daughter is all triggered because I ended up with PTSD flashing lights and couldn't be there to meet her emotional needs. I couldn't be her mommy. Nope, I had to step back and take care of me.

My empathy bowl, being a teacher for students with trauma related behaviors, was flat empty. To be able to function at work, I had to change my relationship with family and step back. I don't want to call my father, or visit.....it takes a week to recover from a 7 hr. round trip drive and a 1 hour visit with him. And brother is very triggering. Very controlling. Very sick. Father has shit for memory....an easy victim. Holding onto the sick past, keeps me ill and poorly functioning. Putting all people I can't trust on the back burner.....puts me in control...and I need that....but it is a lonely road. Very lonely. I want to be loved. It hurts that it will never be a possibility with them....hurts very deeply....that I have come into a family only to be rejected. That I have no family and I'm in my 60s. But I am making family...trusted friends who are kind....and caring....the ones I choose.

 

[Mee]

Bkinder; I think you are describing what I want.

My problem I think will be trusting enough and feeling safe enough to put faith in a ‘family of friends’ having felt so let down before

 

[TruthSeeker]

Bkinder; I think you are describing what I want.

My problem I think will be trusting enough and...

Yes, trust is the key and trust your gut. Feeling safe is important...and feeling appreciated as a friend is a key I found for my relationships. I have had to work on keeping my mouth shut...not disclosing too much ...realizing not everyone wants nor needs to hear my shit....T gets pd for that and....not appearing too needy-that is burdensome and leads to weirdo relationships. I try to find people who are happy with life..positive....and.not full of trauma drama. Those relationships become icky, sticky, awkward and draining. I have only a few,real friends I'd choose to claim as family and I can trust them no matter what.... It takes time...and you really only need one....and can expand from there...I am cautious not to lean too hard on my friends-even though they'd let me....trauma drama can get overwhelming quickly. I set clear boundaries between friends and my T role. This helps a lot. Picking my family.....I have a choice at 60!