Scared And Confused, And Praying It's Not True

[Dissociated1]

My doctors say DID/MPD are points along a sliding scale of trauma based dissociation. Time loss is a key indicator of this specific condition. It is hard to accept that with as scary as dissociation is, it is the coping mechanism that has allowed many of us to survive.

Having an alter is a very complex reality. It makes me feel diminished, not in charge of my life and unaware of who and what I am. I am a guy and my alter is female; the two of us live with the sorts of behaviors described in this thread every day. We are co-conscious but there are thoughts and feelings we are not both privy to. I can't keep track of the things one or the other of us does or says often moments apart, let alone what happens on the days when my female self fronts.

She is an amazingly strong secondary personality- think the television series "The United States of Tara." Aside from the struggle to face my memories in therapy, she demands time to live her own life. I have two wardrobes, two sets of friends, live two completely separate existences- one of them as male and one as female.

There is an excellent current thread titled, “Denial Of Flashbacks, Intrusions And Dissociation” that goes hand in hand with this one at [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/denial-of-flashbacks-intrusions-and-dissociation.29616/page-2#post-473236[/DLMURL]

 

[Addy]

Thanks Dissociated1...

There is an excellent current thread titled, “Denial Of Flashbacks, Intrusions And Dissociation” that goes hand in hand with this one at [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/denial-of-flashbacks-intrusions-and-dissociation.29616/page-2#post-473236[/DLMURL]

I've read through that thread and it's a good one. I don't necessarily think I'm in denial, just afraid and unsure. I'm not saying I do have DID, or that I don't. There is just so much that doesn't make sense to me. I'm hoping that this is only dissociation (just spacing out) and not actual DID, which to me is MUCH scarier.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Addy,

I am glad it helps to speak. :) I think this is Ok and you will find clarity with time. I also think denial is when we have information available and yet refuse to believe it. I can see that maybe that doesn't apply as although there are things that don't add up there is nothing that definitely differentiates it as one type of dissociation or the other.

I find this a helpful way of looking at it: that standard D lowers our inhibitions and so even though it can appear that I am acting very out of character, if I think of it in terms of being drunk then I could imagine doing whatever it is in the time I cant remember. Whereas if something is not a behaviour that I would ever do then it starts being a bit different.

For personality dissociation I imagine the true final step of diagnoses is for the person diagnosing to actually have direct contact with a different part. I know a couple of people with DID quite well (through internet and email) and I think what can make it more difficult to figure out is that often other parts are very similar and not like (((((Dissociative1's)))) experience at all. So if there is total dissociative walls between parts (no co consciousness) then other parts can be very good at pretending to be someone else.

I think it is perfectly normal that you would prefer it to be standard D. They really are two totally different things even though having parts tends to come along with a lot of the standard stuff too. Standard D we don't remember because we have not absorbed the information. Personality D we don't remember as the experience has been had by a different part.

Could you ask everyone you know if they have actually seen you smoking?

I hope you get to speak to your T or psychiatrist soon.

I don;t know if this helps but I try to remind myself that finding out something new whatever that may be does not change who I am. I am still me and it is just my understanding that is different. I try anyway. :rolleyes: :hug:

 

[Addy]

I hope you get to speak to your T or psychiatrist soon.

I saw my psychiatrist this week and couldn't bring it up. I couldn't get the words out. I see my therapist on Monday, if I can muster the courage to return. It's pretty clear to me from her questioning last week that she's atleast leaning in the direction of DID.

Could you ask everyone you know if they have actually seen you smoking?

I'd be petrified to ask everyone if they have ever seen me smoking because then I'd have to explain why I was asking. It would be kind of weird to say..."Hey I'm not sure if I've been smoking or not, but I have them in my possession. Have you ever seen me smoke?" I think they'd think I was totally nuts. :wacky:


Anyway, thanks for offering your input and encouragement. I will try to discuss the issue further with my therapist, but knowing how I am, I will probably try to change the topic or focus on something else. It just seems too scary right now.

 

[Abstract]

Hugs.

 

[Addy]

Just wanted to update those of you who responded to this post. I got up the courage to discuss the issue further with my therapist, and at this point she states that she believes I have DDNOS as opposed to DID. This is a relief to me, though from what I have been reading DDNOS can often be more difficult to treat (in certain respects) than DID because the fragmented parts can be more difficult to distinguish or access than those who have fully developed alters as is the case with DID. Anyone know if this is true? I also know that DDNOS often later gets changed to DID, so I'm still concerned. Is the treatment the same for DDNOS and DID? Insight is welcome... Thanks.

 

[Addy]

From what I have been reading DDNOS can often be more difficult to treat (in certain respects) than DID because the fragmented parts can be more difficult to distinguish or access than those who have fully developed alters as is the case with DID. Anyone know if this is true? I also know that DDNOS often later gets changed to DID, so I'm still concerned. Is the treatment the same for DDNOS and DID? Insight is welcome. Thanks.

I am newly diagnosed with DDNOS, and trying to find out what to expect from treatment.

 

[smile_empty_soul]

I am sorry to the moderator who felt compelled to notify me that I did not follow basic grammar rules for the above post.

That's ridiculous! Maybe the moderator should understand that not everyone is good at English, they may even be Dyslexic or foreign. And it isn't a crime to have bad grammar. I would complain if I was you!

 

[Abstract]

Smile Empty,
You may want to read the rules for the forum carefully. Rules are strictly kept to help the forum stay easy to read as trauma impedes brain function and concentration. The mods help those with problems such as these.

 

[anthony]

I would complain if I was you!

I would be careful if I was you... and remember who runs this forum, your limited rights to participate here, and what you agreed to comply with upon registering to this forum in comply with forum rules and legal policy.

Attempt to insight further issue, your account will be banned immediately by staff.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Addy,
I am glad you got some answers. I have to say it did seem a touch unlikely that all that would be depersonalisation or trance. The smoking particularly. I am glad you feel Ok ish about it. I am afraid I am no use really. Have a couple of on line friends with genuine dissociation of this type and have heard their struggles and progress. It might be worth starting a new thread with something specific in the title as that is more likely to attract someone who knows. Or quote Dissociated1 and maybe he will pop in again.

As far as I know the first step is for all parts to trust the T. And also that you first build ways of managing parts. Apparently if you have no awareness of them then you speak to yourself as if you do. Its all about internal communication which really is the case for all of us. Its just with this there are more barriers to doing so.

It seems totally illogical that DDNOS would be harder to treat but what do I know! :rolleyes:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wish you the best with your recovery. I post things around here and do not remember responding at all. I forget things too. I will generally remember once I have sorted it out. I hope this helps alittle. My heart goes out to you. Good for you for keeping on though and not giving up. You can feel good about how good you are being to yourself to take yourself seriously.