Scared of losing work and repeating a cycle....

[SeekingAfrica]

I know it seems simple to just... not repeat a pattern if I know if....

I was already having a hard time. Then I had 2 week break from my usual client as she was traveling and I can't afford breaks. Stupid me that I didn't cope better but I didn't. I needed a tiny break and hoped I would get work by the end of week 1. I didn't. Still waiting to get something any day now. But in the meantime deadlines are approaching (first is in a week) for different payments, all important. Trip home I must complete. I need food and meds and sanitary products. I must pay utilities. I have certain debt I can't avoid.

Then I went to my usual online refuge sites. The weekly payment kind. I make less but they save me in hard times. Discovered some replaced workers with AI, some no longer accept my country, some currently have no work or don't take returning workers needing to retake the test again. And I'm at square 0. Before the trip, can't do much locally because if I don't I can't do the trip and I need to for administration.

So in about 10 days I'll have payment. In the meantime I have used any way I can to manage so far and I'm running out of my money and help and mini jobs.
I have 3 choices, but the bad part is I'm losing time second-guessing and I'm literally scared to more, leading to bad PTSD coping which I can't afford to go handle. (or take time)
I know you can't smap out of things, but I need to do something. One helpful thing is that I use planner already but got gifted one extremely pretty one from my best friend, so I have chosen it specifically for work ventures online and it brings me joy for sure. Though it will take a lot more joy to pull out of this one.

1. Option 1: Digital printables store. For things I hand-draw and scan.
Have been talking about it forever, done the research, have most of the materials. Only skill that ever came easy to be to start, so working on it only makes it better. Seems lile a no brainer. But I have much more talented family members making use of that skill, and when in a time crunch or depressed it's like I've never held a brush before.

2. Option 2: Revive my old jewelry shop online and make planner charms, keychains and other mini items too
Did a decade ago. I was so depressed, had zero knowledge and confidence, I did very little and still had sales which amazes me. And even at the time 'the market was satureated;.
I have many ideas and better promotion knowledge than at the time. However, haven't done it in a decade. Need to buy tools and materials (mini buy to start) and build from there. Also it's been a decade, chance is I need to re-learn some basics.

3. I choose 1 of these shops and do that for half day, look for online clients the rest of the time to take some pressure off the store idea.

I don't even know where to begin. Then it will change during the 1 week of the trip. Then it will change when I return and seek local job(though at that point I will have more ability to buy materials, even if only a little more). And the worst part is the longer I dwell, the more depressed I am, I clean less, cook less, eat less or unhealthy, and run out of resources. So the more it gets bad the more it gets bad. The last week I've been a wreck. There was 1 full day of a trigger during which I was unable to work whatsoever. There was a full depression day. Yesterday and today I'm slipping into the foggy mind that depression gives me more. Except this time it's not from medication. But I have less will to do anything. I'm frozen a lot, have very little energy the rest of the time.

I know you can't pull yourself out, but literally only I can pull myself out right now.
Except it needs to be fast.

For financial reasons, as well as the longer I'm depressed- the harder motivation is and then working full time is an issue.
I'm finding it hard to accept the situation as I felt I was just pulling myself in a good state finally after months of working on it. Apparently that was a fragile balance.

I think option 3 with option 1 store are best choice logically. Still feel numb and foggy. Maybe it will be best to do some things foggy to the best of my ability than nothing. And when I'm like that social anxiety kicks back in too, today I've done nothing yet, and I have no cooked food, can't make myself cook, but going to the store leaves me with dread.

How do I deal?? What do I choose? How do I motivate myself? Creative stuff work less under the must be done category because you have to brainstorm and execute. Meanwhile applying is also hard because my confidence is under. Yet I feel I must do both but have energy for 0.01....

 

[arfie]

nerd alert. my etymology passion is showing. . . nobody flaunts a passion like an amateur.

i find "just" to be one of the more ? ? ? interesting? ? ? word usages in the english language. not so much the word, itself, but the way it is used. historically, it is connected to some of the biggest and most complex libraries in the world, both past and present. the root deals with justice, morals and ethics. it is most often used as a synonym for "easy," "simple," "only," etc., etc. can we pick one and make it work? the dichotomy built into that one, 4-letter word often floors me.

I know it seems simple to just... not repeat a pattern if I know if....

when i catch myself self-loathing over not being able to just it all, i remind myself that in the halls of just-ice, that all-mighty swing of the judge's gavel has a great many pesky details attached before, during and after that all-mighty swing of the gavel.

steadying support while you work through the pesky details of your own justing.
small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
let god lead the dance, one just at a time.

 

[scout86]

Option 3 was the only one where you didn't come up with "problems". When I'm stressed and in kind of a bad place, for ME the best thing to do is go with the option like 3, where I'm not coming up with a million reasons it won't work. BUT, once the dust settles and the immediate crisis is averted, then I've found it can be good to go back and explore some of those other options.

I don't know what you do for a living. (I feel like I should, because I think you've talked about this before.) It sounds like you're self employed. I am too. Now, my line of work lends itself to having multiple clients, maybe yours doesn't. There's that. And, I've been able to put money aside when I'm busy so I can kind of coast through the slow times. My slow times tend to be predictable though. So, going forward, you might want to think about ways you can fill in the income gaps. And I can't help but wonder if options 1 & 2 might have some potential for doing that. But, right now? If it was me I'd go with the surest thing available & it sounds like that's option 3. Trying something new is stressful in it's own right. It can be a good stress and I wouldn't necessarily avoid it. But, I know, for me, I'm better off if I DO avoid it in those situations when the stress cup is already oozing over the rim with stress.

One other thing I do, in scary financial situations, is ask myself what the literal worst thing that can happen is. (This approach might not work for everyone!) I usually come up with some version of living on the street. The thing is, I know I can do that, because I HAVE. You've been in situations like this before, true? And managed them. You'll find a way to manage this one too. Remember to breathe and apply the skill set you've already got.

BTW

But I have much more talented family members making use of that skill,

So what? First, it seems quite possible that everyone's idea of "more talented" might not be the same. Second, are you saying that only the very best at a thing should be doing it? Because that would be a problem for MOST of us.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

the dichotomy built into that one, 4-letter word often floors me.

Thank you for the explanation, actually I really enjoy getting into things like that!

steadying support while you work through the pesky details of your own justing.
small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
let god lead the dance, one just at a time.

Thank you! I was really slipping into a dark place, tonight is the first smidge of light I felt. For a moment I was really... resigning... I accepted that today was mostly bed day and it was hard to get out of pagamas even, but I'm really trying to make sure today is today. And tomorrow is different.

Option 3 was the only one where you didn't come up with "problems". When I'm stressed and in kind of a bad place, for ME the best thing to do is go with the option like 3, where I'm not coming up with a million reasons it won't work

True. When it comes to creative projects I get super sensitive in bad times. I was discouraged by many people for a long time and spend more energy wasting my breath convincing rather than doing and when I'm in a bad place- I do it to myself. Gets very mean. Hence why balancing it out with more practical thing to take pressure off might make it less likely for me to get that way, in either thing. If that made sense.

So, going forward, you might want to think about ways you can fill in the income gaps

Unfortunately I got PTSD before graduating and it was a while before I got help. Ruined a relationship and wasn't able to work for a long time. So now in the good times I've been first paying off debt accrued in those years I couldn't work. And planning to save after I'm debt free. Or I decide I can finally save (decision I got to after 2020) and then... then the world changed, first mine, then for everyone, and I just haven't been able to catch a break. Just as I think I do another wave hits and I've been scared to try side things I guess. Which is why one of the other option might be good for that gap in a long run, yes! Very good in fact, because last times I did either of those I had less knowledge than now. Now I just need to make sure my skill is in check.

You've been in situations like this before, true? And managed them.

Yes. More than I'd like to admit. But because some people manage these situations on credit cards, while I've managed them by restriction, desperate lucky solutions, random jobs and many friendships, I often feel like I've gotten lucky. Though now that I spelled it out, I also did do a lot of stuff far out of my comfort zone and managed (walked cause I couldn't pay but 3h per day, took apartment cleaning job, found client drawing mini-gigs, asked everyone I knew for loans, ate very little, learned to reduce my reduced food budget by 40%-still wasn't enough but I was learning). Yes, I have managed.

Remember to breathe and apply the skill set you've already got.

OKay. I will try. Actually, I'll try to meditate daily and add some off the 'not-think-about-it' stuff on a habit tracker cause it's harder when depressed (like clearning, doing my bed, washing hair etc. sorry for the TMI)... just my mind gets foggy so everything has to be baby steps and written down.

So what? First, it seems quite possible that everyone's idea of "more talented" might not be the same. Second, are you saying that only the very best at a thing should be doing it? Because that would be a problem for MOST of us.

That is true. Just had some relatives calling my art 'naive' though I've made side income from it and kind of got to me. Didn't touch a brush for a bit so now I'm scared I forgot it all. Though usually even after breaks I was just as good if not better. And also probably can't erase skill I've practiced since 5 in just few months. Probably. But I love that perspective you gave me. It's quite true, not everyone has the same skill or does art for the same purpose so someone being more capable doesn't mean I still can't make a side income from it in this way.
Love the perspective, how it's enough to get me drawing again tomorrow! Thank you, will do my best.

Everything feels foggy right now but I have to start somewhere, even if it's imperfect and I feel wobbly at first. And I can set some time just for drawing for pratice to get better probably. Like half an hour a day, sfew times a week, should be quite possible, we all use such time for something. Might as well do something for a better future.

Something... triggered me this week and brought me to a time when all I did was wrong and used as an excuse for abuse in every way, so I guess it really shut me down though I thought I was handling it.And it brought me back to perfectionism. Need to knock that down by doing few imperfect drawings and finding my joy again. This was one of the things that I used to forget time while doing so... I just need to start putting myself out there again.

Thank you everyone for the much needed perspective.
I promise I'm doing my best. Fingers crossed tomorrow is better.

 

[scout86]

Fingers crossed tomorrow is better.

Mine are crossed too!

Your description of how things more or less got messed up totally makes sense. It takes time to work your way back from there. Believe me, I know. Paying off the debts is good, honorable, and probably necessary. Once you're through this rough patch though, I'd try to save at least a little for emergencies. Being in this situation doesn't mean you're a failure. It means you've had a complicated life and haven't had enough time to get things back on track, yet. Don't underestimate the value of luck either. Or friends.

I'm a farrier. I really care about the quality of my work. And I've found I'm quite capable of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. LOL I have to keep reminding myself that there IS a such thing as "good enough". It's fine to look for perfection, but this is my job and I need to get this horse finished and move on to the next one too. I can't help but wonder how much of Da Vinci's work never got famous. I'm SURE everything wasn't the Mona Lisa.

Something... triggered me this week and brought me to a time when all I did was wrong and used as an excuse for abuse in every way,

That happens. It's part of living with PTSD. Not your fault. It might be a topic worth bookmarking to come back to and look at, once the current situation is behind you.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm not doing great. I downsized my planners and notebooks to 1 a6 in hopes it will be easier. It is and it isn't.
The system is.

Me? Everything feels so pointless and bleak and so MUCH. Like I saw a light for a minute in the summer and it was taken away. Like I'm starting over, and because I'm depressed I can't remember any progress I've done or it seems like it happened to someone else.
It feels like I have to resign to feeling like this, living like this, which is torture. Or else doing something drastic. But now my mind is foggy and drastric looks off. I don't know what I can execute feeling so numb. I don't know how this is happening to me so fast. It wasn't like a gradual change and then I realized I was depressed. It's like I was pushing forward and working with the situation and doing progress I didn't dare before and it suddenly just crashed.

And now I still have no solid work, limited resources and the fog is fast taking over me.
And I should raise above it. But I didn't raise above it before, I crawled. My parents didn't raise above it. They are exactly at the same state 50 years later, worked like insane people but never took risks and only talked about it. They never could because of us. They they never could because they were too old. I was supposed to be the golden child to raise above it before I got PTSD. When things seemed simpler.

Nothing seems simple now.
Even normal work days.

My mind is fog. My confidence is non-existent. Yet time hasn't stopped. And I don't know where to begin, how to begin. I'll start with the simplest way today, but that gets me 2$./h if I'm lucky. It's not enough to survive. How do I survive this wave?

I worked so hard to regain my life and it's getting knocked down like a house of cards under a hurricane.

 

[scout86]

Like I'm starting over,

I've always liked the idea of starting over. IDK, maybe it's the hope that this time I'll get it "right". The end of one thing can be thought of as the beginning of something else and "something else" has potential.

Depression is tough. It seems like there's no end to it and the sun will never shine again. Those things are lies though. -One small step at a time. There IS an other side to come out on. What helps me to to just do something, however small and give myself credit for doing it. Then do one more thing & repeat till the other side shows up.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

maybe it's the hope that this time I'll get it "right".

I did once upon a time too, because way too many bad new beginnings. Before few good once that were crushed under my feet after just a bit of happiness.
And now I don't know which was is up. And starting over feels tiring. How many times, how much effort, how many starts before I get to have a life I can relax in for more than couple months before it falls apart again?

I did few errands today. It's no work but I guess it's something. Maybe work tomorrow. I pray. I never do, but I do now.
That a 6 notebook? It mostly is a notebook to give me freedom, but it has few perks (folder, bookmarks, and few setup pages to make it easier, mostly the months. I'm too exhausted to do my usual plans in blank notebook.) But in this a6, there is this page, for goals and then 4 squares for the 4 quarters of a year, I still can't imagine how to plan a year. The last 3 years have been 3 months to 3 months, or less and then a new big change and changing my system.
Now I'm struggling day to day. How do I plan a year? Makes me feel naive or stupid. Just as I dare to plan maybe 6 months something happens. It's exhausting and painful at this point. How dare I start again after all this?

But I can't live on no resources or income, and I can't live on no purpose, so what choice do I have?
I'm just so exhausted of starting over, I liked where things were headed. Now I don't know which path to take and wander aimlessly. I thought I'd earned some peace... Guess not for a while?
Really need to reset how I feel though because it's not helping.

 

[scout86]

Really need to reset how I feel though because it's not helping.

You're probably right about that. What works for you to move in that direction?

I have no real idea how you plan a year. (There's an aspect of PTSD that involves having a weird view of "the future" isn't there? I can't remember what they call it but it's like the future kind of doesn't exist as a real concept?) Well, maybe in theory. In real life, it seems like "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." seems to be a good thing to keep in mind. So, I guess I have some goals, but they exist as a rough sketch done in pencil. I've done better with short term goals. I think I know what I'm going to be doing today. I'm also prepared for something unexpected to blow that up. In which case today will look different than I expected. But, I totally relate to what you're saying about wanting some peace. I have no reason to think it's not going to come. This is a phase you're going through. There will be more phases, some of them good and some of them challenging. Right now, in your situation I'd focus on problem solving the present. Cut yourself some slack though. One of the things about PTSD is that tough situations can stir up all kind of stuff from the past and then you have to try to deal with the present while sorting through the past. I know this is going to sound dumb, and maybe even annoying. Something that helps me is focusing on gratitude. I can ALWAYS find a way things could be worse. If nothing else, I'll be grateful things aren't the worst way I can imagine. I'm living in my vehicle? Well, at least I have a vehicle. My best friend died? Well, at least he doesn't have to worry about me living in my vehicle. (I'm not saying this has to be reasonable.)