Scared The Sh#t Out Of Me

[Jade-]

Thanks cynthia, but if it was that simple I wouldn't have bothered starting this thread.

Nevermind, just forget it, I don't think anyone understands. I will figure it out on my own.

 

[emmat]

Jadebear,

I get similar experiences and I hate them too. When I get certain kinds of flashbacks I feel like I've almost time-travelled back to being a little girl or sometimes myself 7 years ago while I was being horrifically abused. At that point I'm not sure where I am, I don't know why I'm wearing odd clothes, I don't understand what's happening, I can't remember my fiance or any of my friends I've made since, I just know I'm terrified and that I want it all to stop. It's horrible and so hard to explain well.

Eventually I'll come back out of it (when something reminds me that I'm a 27 year old having a flashback), but until that point it's horrible. Especially when I 'go back' to a really young state. I feel as scared as I did when I was 5 and suffering but on top of that I have no idea how to communicate that fear and my pain - because I didn't know when I was five all the stuff I know now.

I understand how upsetting flashbacks like that are. You are forced by your mind to vividly re-live all the nasty stuff but you don't take with you your present day memories or coping mechanisms to help you deal with it again.

If you want to talk more about it let me know. I don't have all the answers because I'm trying to learn how to cope too but I'd be willing to try and

 

[Jade-]

Thanks emmat. I'm glad you understand.

I'm thinking that hearing gunshots is a premonition and not a flashback. And the other thing, I don't know WTF that was.

 

[Jade-]

And now my son and his GF won't allow me to drive with the baby in the car with me. They are too afraid to, they don't ****ing trust me they said. Now I have ****ed everything up.

 

[Jade-]

I'm not allowed to drive the baby anywhere, yet I'm "sane" enough to be asked to hand over money to them today. Nice to feel loved!

**** it all. I'm done.

 

[emmat]

You've not ****ed anything up. Your poor mind got rewired (to defend itself) years ago and now you are slowly starting along the road to get everything straightened out a bit more. It's going to be messy at times as you unpack things you've had locked away. Things are going to happen that no one could anticipate and it's going to be scary.

I keep being told the only way to stop these flashbacks (like what happened when you were driving) is to just keep talking about it until your brain can turn it from being a 'un-stored flashback' to a 'stored memory'. It doesn't make it less painful, but it makes it easier to manage and less likely to jump up and get you when you are not expecting it. But that is a long-term solution. In the short-term I'd say it sounds important to work out what is triggering it - is it driving? was it a song on the radio? was it a conversation with your husband? was it someone you passed by outside the car? If it is driving then I'm not sure what to say. Not being a driver myself I can't imagine how scary falling into that state behind the wheel of a car must be. If, on the other hand, it's something else (like hearing a certain song or seeing something that reminded you) then maybe it won't stop you driving.

I can understand why your son is worried about his baby's safety - he probably thinks you + car = flashback and a potential car crash. As I said before though, it might not be that simple. It might be you + hearing a song on the radio (just a quick example) that causes the flashback, nothing to do with driving at all. If that is the case then maybe by taking steps to avoid it you'll be able to continue driving.

Just please don't put your safety at risk. If you think it is driving that triggers you off then please don't risk driving - talk to your doctor and let them know that you have been in a risky (potentially life threatening) situation. It's not worth ending up in hospital over.

Don't beat yourself up over this. It's not your fault. It's the fault of the people who made you experience things far too traumatic for your brain to cope with.

I'm not so sure about the gun shot thing. I've thought I've heard things before but as it's been night-time and there has been no one to ask if it was real or imagined I've ended up trying to forget about it. Maybe your T would be a good person to chat to about it?

 

[Jade-]

Thanks emmat, but you're wrong, I have ****ed everything up, like I always do.

And I'm done discussing this. Like I said, I believe hearing the gunshots was a premonition.

 

[Iam]

OH boy Jade. I know that feeling. Remember the article I emailed you the link to yesterday? It said that confusion, fear and overwhelming feelings are normal after flashbacks. I DON'T believe the guns shots were a premonition. Especially given the things you have witnessed. I know that you are in a bad way right now. You've been here before and have gotten thru it.

Remember where I was a week and a half ago? I am better now. Partly because you stood with me and told me that I would get thru it. Today you encouraged me to sign that contract. Maybe we can make an agreement that we both will?

Please call your T. Monday's session is too far off and you need to talk with him now. He knows you and understands what you need to get ahold of yourself.

I am here and I will listen. My traumas are not the same, but I recognize the feelings all too well. You and I will both make it thru this.

 

[Jestadud]

Hi Jadebear, I also get the explosions occasionally. It has a name and you can look it up on wikipedia, astonishingly enough it's called "Exploding Head Syndrome", I guess that's probably the Latin name for it. LOL

In defence of your hubby don't forget that he was probably frightened for his own safety by your driving episode. If it happened to someone you knew would you be happy to let them drive your grandson around. I think you just need to give it a bit of time for people to build up their confidence in your driving abilities again.

 

[Jade-]

Thanks jestadud, my T. said the gunshot sound was a flashback and that it needs to be addressed.

I'm not so upset about not being allowed to drive the baby anywhere, it's for the best for right now.