JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
This year I took a leave of absence from my job as a teacher. I planned to go back next school year. This past fall I entertained the idea of altering my course- maybe go back to school, maybe take a different job. Then, somewhere along the way, I decided I would go back at least for a year and see how things went. That was sometime before Christmas. Life was still hard, but I could see that maybe, just maybe, by the next school year, I'd be ready.
Now, however, that is it 2016 and I feel as hopeless as ever, I feel like doing anything in the future is impossible. I feel like things are never going to change again. That I will always be guessing who I am (literally and figuratively, I suppose). I feel like any time there is any hope, that it just gets dashed and ends in misery. And I am paralyzed with fear that what I have come to know as my life is going to be my life- a never-ending cycle of battling to survive.
And honestly, I don't know if I can handle that. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to fight a useless battle. I try not to think of it as a battle, but rather a journey. But my journey seems to be going nowhere and I am losing hope. I seem like I am spiraling further and further down into darkness. And I feel like there is no one I can tell in my life that will understand the deep despair that I feel. I have this ongoing, crucial need to always do the right thing and please everyone else, yet I don't even trust people so it's a conflicting need. And in this moment, I feel like I will never get anything right again and there is no one here to save me. I read a quote on the Internet the other day- "She saved everyone else, but she couldn't save herself." That's how I feel. I am will work hard to save everyone, but I am not going to be able to save myself. I feel like screaming my pain to the world, but I know the world won't understand. I just need to get this out though I doubt it will help much.
Now, however, that is it 2016 and I feel as hopeless as ever, I feel like doing anything in the future is impossible. I feel like things are never going to change again. That I will always be guessing who I am (literally and figuratively, I suppose). I feel like any time there is any hope, that it just gets dashed and ends in misery. And I am paralyzed with fear that what I have come to know as my life is going to be my life- a never-ending cycle of battling to survive.
And honestly, I don't know if I can handle that. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to fight a useless battle. I try not to think of it as a battle, but rather a journey. But my journey seems to be going nowhere and I am losing hope. I seem like I am spiraling further and further down into darkness. And I feel like there is no one I can tell in my life that will understand the deep despair that I feel. I have this ongoing, crucial need to always do the right thing and please everyone else, yet I don't even trust people so it's a conflicting need. And in this moment, I feel like I will never get anything right again and there is no one here to save me. I read a quote on the Internet the other day- "She saved everyone else, but she couldn't save herself." That's how I feel. I am will work hard to save everyone, but I am not going to be able to save myself. I feel like screaming my pain to the world, but I know the world won't understand. I just need to get this out though I doubt it will help much.
