Scared

[jka37]

My therapist requested a special meeting tonight. She has something to tell me, something she's been thinking of for a few weeks and is now fairly confident in. I turned my phone audio recorder on last night while having a flashback so she could hear, and that apparently confirmed stuff for her.

She says my trauma is probably much more comprehensive than the abusive relationship I had, she thinks there's child abuse. I'm not sure what else she wants to tell me, but that's what I got out on the phone, which wasn't new info...so is there new info, because that's scary?...

I just quit my job because I got a better one, but now I'm nervous about making the transition as I enter an even harder part of therapy. However, my T says I have tremendous support, and both of us have had a huge sense of God's presence and help in the process.

Everything is going so fast, and I'm trying to be good to myself and do what's right in the mean time. I'm just so scared about what could surface.

It feels like since starting therapy, I've only gotten worse. And it looks like it's getting worse. I just hope I hit the bottom soon so I can come back up.

Help me.

 

[The Albatross]

jka37... the anxiety is understandable... share that and about your concerns for you're new job too. Try to remind yourself that things happen in God's time... only saying that because sometimes He puts us on the track a bit faster (or slower, in my case) than we would like. Root yourself in God's love and compasison for you... and endeavor to air your concerns to your therapist that way you're not jeopardizing your new job???

Good luck to you. Growing pains, it's just growing pains... as you recover it will pass. Let us know how it goes and what you're feeling afterward, eh?

 

[Gamereign555]

Ah maybe you could tell her you are scared. She will want to know why and you can explain it hopefully. Not everybody likes surprises, it is understandable.. I have had my therapist tell me she wanted to talk to me about something in a future meeting but never something as alarming as a sort of breakthrough on her part on my case... It's probably something worth hearing about. You should tell her everything including how you are reacting to the suspense you are feeling, the state you think you are in and how you are afraid of your reaction you had to her wanting to meet to tell you something important. Tell her of your job changes and concerns.

 

[jka37]

She thinks that my "flashbacks" are more dissociated in nature. She didn't say "you have a dissociative disorder" and didn't want to make that sort of call, but she initially thought my trauma was simpler, just being from my abusive ex and my brother, but now she thinks it's broader, and that my symptoms are much more intense.

What made it more confusing was that she apologized and shared with me that she had been feeling anxious and unsure of herself and that she shouldn't have called the emergency meeting. It makes me question her abilities to be a therapist for trauma, and makes me wonder if I should look elsewhere. I'm bothered that she missed this stuff, since I told her about it...

I'm glad she was honest, some T's probably would have hid it.

Now I have no idea what to do. Before she had this realization, she was thinking pretty much grounding only. Now she's thinking, "what can you learn from the flashback." I just wonder if she's done this enough/before.

I definitely talked with her about the fears with the job. She seems to think that I will find the job grounding, since interactions with non-personal people usually keeps my guard high enough to keep me present. Just so long as I can hold the job, I'm happy.

I just want to get well, but it seems like the longer I am in therapy the worse it gets. A year ago, I didn't even have PTSD (diagnosed)...now I may have a dissociative disorder. What gives?!

Am I actually making myself sicker by going to therapy, or am I doing myself a favor in the long run? She says there's not a clear way to know.

It felt like I was in a maze, and just following my way through, trying to get better. Now someone smashed down the walls of my maze, and I'm stuck in an empty, open field with no direction.

Thanks guys. Your feedback is helpful and makes me feel supported.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Well, it is hard to say how things will go if you have a dissociative disorder (they may well get worse before they get better, but that is the case with any trauma survivor, but it could be more pronounced).

I do have one as well, but I think that you are better off dealing with it than not, because otherwise it will be affecting you anyway, you just won't know how. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to hold something like that all in, energy that eventually you could be using to make your present life even better.

But I do think she needs to let you go at your own pace--if she starts getting you to make sense of a flashback that does not yet make sense to you, it could potentially just cause you to start questioning things that don't have answers for (at this point) and I've been there, it just makes a person crazy and stressed out. There is not much that is more stressful than doubting your own reality--like I know SOMETHING happened... But was it this? Was it that? What if I am interpreting this wrong? Is what I think this could be, really what happened? Or could it be... Which is not terribly productive in my experience. Go with what you *know*, either because you remember it, or a body memory, which you can't make up by reasoning it out (and is therefore not open to misinterpretation).

Go with what you have got, when you are ready and when you feel confident enough in her, and trusting enough with her, you will likely remember on your own. However; if you do want to speed things up and not just let them naturally evolve, I'd say body work is the way to go. I got a lot of releases, and some memories, doing Somatic Emotional Release. But that is VERY intense. First time I did it, I dissociated for about 5-6 hours until finally someone came in to tell me they needed the room. That somehow broke through whatever it was and next thing I know I am screaming and crying. Not sure how long that went on for. But I was still processing it the next day, I had to come in again (not for SER just a safe place to go because I couldn't be alone) and for quite some time after those two days.

It's hard to say if she is experienced enough... I'm sure everyone in a profession like that has questioned themselves at some point, and it is a pretty heavy responsibility telling a client that you think there is something more going on. Whether or not she should have told you that, I don't know, but I think it was good of her to be honest with you. And clearly she has been thinking about this for some time.

Good luck and keep posting, if you are able... I know how hard it is.

P.S. This may or may not be an issue, but if it turns out you have a SEVERE dissociative disorder, it's probably a good idea to ask if she has experience treating that sort of thing. I would guess she must have some to recognize it as such, but, you never know. Treating someone with DID or DIDNOS, for instance, is a very different treatment protocol than just abuse, or abuse and one of the less extreme dissociative disorders (which I am not saying you have, just I have some experience in this area, so I know about treatment).

Oh, and no, you aren't making yourself sicker (although it may feel that way) and yes you are better off dealing with it in the long run. IMHO, of course, and based on my own experiences and what I know about DDs.

Rising_Phoenix

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

I have one other suggestion, about the memories thing. There is a book, it's called Writing to Heal. It has a number of exercises in it, but the basic one is to set a timer and pick a topic/trauma, and set the timer for 20 minutes. You write, without stopping, or thinking about what you are going to say next, no reading back over what you wrote, editing or anything. Just write and keep writing--and if all that comes out is "I can't think of what to write" you write that until something else comes out. Do that until the timer goes off, then you can either stop or keep writing. If you do that, even do that semi-regularly, it can bring up memories, but it also can give you something you can bring in to your T and discuss, which may prompt more writing or insights through conversations with your T about what is going on for you.

You can learn things about yourself that way, that you may not be consciously aware of.

The book does give you some very broad guidelines of what you can write about, but I probably can't post that here due to copy right. If you (or anyone else) is interested though, I can give you the instructions for the 4 basic exercises (which only differ in the content, you do the same basic writing technique I mentioned above).