School Bully Died

[shimmerz]

I was in a store yesterday and the radio was on. All of the sudden I heard 'Mr. John Doe', of Toronto Ontario, 53 years old was killed ......

Normal stuff right? Except I went to school with him. He married about 8 years ago and has two young children. Two girls. We had reunions as adults over the past few years and he was still a bully. Loved by the other bullies but most of us just shook our heads at how incredibly cruel he was to those that didn't worship him.

I am just not quite sure how I should be feeling about this.

 

[Promicarus]

I think we should be allowing ourselves to feel about everything however we're actually feeling about it. Wven if it's just uncertainty...about what those feelings are. But I don't think "should" should come in to play.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

One of the guys who bullied me in high school died on my birthday a few years ago in a freak accident that was coincidentally when he was working a contracting job where one of my parents worked. Weird to say the least. Its sort of disgusting how his Facebook memorial page says how great he was, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe I should have felt sad, or....well, something along the lines of empathetic/sympathetic, but I didn't. All I could think was "Karma, baby!" No, I'm not happy that he's gone, but at the same time I don't believe in putting the dead up on a pedestal just because they're dead (as so many others do). I know it's hard to lose someone and I'm not negating the loss to his family, but at the same time, why should I feel bad that someone who tormented me in school is no longer with us? Yes, he was popular, so many thought he was great, yet he scared me. I can't force myself to feel bad for his loss, much along the same way that I won't feel bad when my abuser finally buys the farm.

 

[shimmerz]

@Solara funny that you should mention the details of location as I was driving by the accident scene without knowing who it was. I wouldn't have normally been there but I was visiting my new grandson. I went through all sorts of gyrations like, 'I should go to his funeral', 'I should pay my respects', blah blah blah blah blah. I had nightmares all night and when I woke up posted this at 2 am. I sat for a moment after posting it, gave my head a shake a said 'WHAT?????'

I am going to dig a bit deeper on this and try to figure out why on earth I would even think to pay respects to someone who never once respected me.

It is also true, it almost made me gag when the obit talked about what a great man he was. Puuuhhhhlease.

@Promicarus it is so true. I keep trying to stop using the would've, should've, could've lingo. I thank you for reminding me of that. I didn't even realize I had used that word. I had to read back in my posting to see it. :)

 

[StarChild]

I should pay my respects

Dear shimmerz, in such a case, first and foremost, please just pay respects to yourself and your wounded soul. And allow yourself to at least feel relief.

I had a horrible boss once. He even drove around with a loaded rifle in the boot of his car. (If the police had knew this, he would have gone to jail for a long time.) Well, when this dude got mad at me (usually, when I made a mistake), he started screaming at me, throwing things at the wall, and one time, he even kicked down the door to my office, in where I tried to hide from him. (I don't mean he kicked it open, no, he was in such a rage, that he kicked the door down!) It was a very small, company of the building industry and dominated by male, so I got no help from no one. But after that last massive episode, I quit my job.

A few years later, someone told me, that he had died mysteriously. (He was also a heavy drinker, even during working time, he drank like a fish, and his boss did or said nothing about it.) And you know what @shimmerz, I felt, that really took a load off of my mind. I was so relieved, that I had to fear him no longer! (For even after I left the company, he always let me knew, that he was still watching me. By sending far to friendly birthday- and Christmas-cards to the new places I lived...) No, I wasn't happy that he was dead, but so relieved I could have danced on the streets!

 

[shimmerz]

Thank you @SweetLullaby! Yes, that helps very much! I don't want to be happy that someone is dead. I don't want to be dancing on the streets but I so do at the same time! There is that conflict again. That boss sounds like there was nowhere to go but to self destruct. This person I was talking about as well perhaps. Creepy that he was sending you Xmas and B'day cards! So I guess we just say 'so long, farewell'? Then let it go?

 

[StarChild]

So I guess we just say 'so long, farewell'? Then let it go?

Yes, just let him go. By the way, he's already gone now... Of course, that doesn't mean you have to dismiss, what he did to you. And if there still are spiritual injuries, to still do the work that's needed to let them heal. But in the here and now, that guy can no longer harm you again. And to be aware of that fact, was/is for my soul very liberating.

Hope It helps a little. Oh, and I'm sending encouraging hugs to you. ((((shimmerz)))) :hug:

 

[catjudo]

I agree with the others. No reason you should be feeling badly about not feeling badly about this bully's death. (How's that for confusing? Did you follow what I meant? Hope so.) But if you're really looking to

dig a bit deeper on this and try to figure out why on earth I would even think to pay respects to someone who never once respected me.

it may be as simple as when someone dies and you go to pay your respects, you're not so much paying respects to the deceased as you are to their family. The deceased isn't there anymore. I'm assuming the bully's family never really did anything to you. Maybe that is where the instinct to pay respects comes from, because we are conditioned to show sympathy for someone who has experienced a loss. Not saying that you should do that, just that it may be a simple explanation to your immediate instinct and subsequent confusion about your feelings.

 

[shimmerz]

You guys are so great! Thank you so much for helping me make sense out of non-sense. Yes @catjudo I absolutely follow what you meant. Thank you so much. I think I was trained by my father to go to funerals of people so it is a long standing belief system that I go to funerals even of people I don't know who have passed away to show my respect for the family but I didn't know his - nor do I want to given that he was as cruel as he was. So I will keep my distance shame free!

@SweetLullaby thank you for reminding me that the spiritual injuries I can address through all of this. It beats punishing myself by watching two young children and a wife who loved him and all sorts of great things said about him (which may be true for them but not for me). He and I had a relationship that was not that. So I will reclaim that piece of my soul and bid him farewell.

Thanks all of you for your help on this one!

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

'I should pay my respects'

I don't want to be dancing on the streets but I so do at the same time!

Perhaps you are psychologically overcompensating for the guilt you feel for being not upset by his death?

 

[circe47]

I always wonder what goes through a bully's mind in their very last moments of life. They say your entire life passes before your eyes in the last few seconds. Wouldn't it be HELL to have the enormous pain caused to others be your final consciousness as you draw your last breath?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Boy can I relate to what you are going through. I believe in Karma.

My dad was my main abuser and I had to disconnect from my family to choose to be there for my own family. Last year I learned that he had died a painful death, and I felt both weird about it, and relieved that he could no longer hurt anyone ever again.

I think it is better to take good care of yourself. You sound like a very merciful person, but if I was you I would not go to the funeral at all and get upset hearing how good he was. Just my opinion.