School Bully Died

[shimmerz]

@Kas_Can_Fly it could well be. I am not really one for liking that something bad happens to someone regardless of how I feel about them. I don't really care for the feelings that I have about this. I suppose it is about being human though.
@circe47 yes, it would be. I don't believe in hell although I was raised Catholic. I am more spiritual in nature not prescribing to any particular man made faith, but I would like to think that at the end of the day there is an awareness process there.
@gizmo, I totally agree with you about not going to the funeral. It is interesting the feelings stirred up by the death of ones who have been cruel to us isn't it?

Besides, if I went to the funeral I would be tempted to balance off the eulogies with stories that would not compliment what a lovely soul he was. Who knows, maybe after having kids he changed. But that doesn't change my experience and those of many others in our class.

 

[Pencil]

I went to school when I was 5 years and 1 month (my father changed my birth certificate to get me into school a year early), so the following went through my mind when I was 4: I had this fantasy that I'd come home from school one day and find my father tied to a leg of the dining room table (have a heart, I was only 4, my fantasies were a little ridiculous). From there I fantasized torturing him - I won't go into detail. This fantasy kept my spirit alive and kicking for many years. Before long it occurred to me that I would never have such luck as to find him conveniently tied to anything for me to avenge myself. The next step was holding on to the knowledge that I was growing up and getting stronger while he was growing older and getting weaker. THEN: It struck me one day that I would be able to live out my fantasy only when he would be weak and not able to adequately defend himself - and I no longer derived any satisfaction from any kind of fantasy involving revenge, damage, pain, etc. I knew I would not have it in me to exploit such a shift in the power imbalance. When I was in my 20s my father wanted to hit me, and I actually almost shouted at him, saying: 'Touch me and I'll fight back. You may kill me, but I'll hurt you in the process. I'll fight you like a man." He was gobsmacked, dumbfounded, stupidly at a loss for words for a few seconds, then said: 'Let's forget about it. Give me a hug.' I nearly puked.

The point I'm trying to illustrate is that to me these 'victories' are so empty, such an anti-climax, so disappointing. And they are just that. They bully dies: somehow no balance is restored - which is what we want the most. The bully dies peacefully and we are disappointed in the gods, fate, the universe. The bully dies a painful death and 1) we feel no better - and are disappointed, or 2) we feel over the moon - and are disappointed in ourselves.

Sorry, I'm rambling, getting lost in the labyrinth of my past. I'm not suggesting that these thoughts should or do apply to anyone else.

 

[shimmerz]

@Pencil Brilliant
Simply brilliant

 

[shimmerz]

Funeral day is today. 11 am. I won't be there physically - but in my head I have to say that I have things to say to that man! Does it count if I say it and he isn't in front of me? Maybe if I visualize a place where I can talk to people EXACTLY the way I want to and banish them after I have said what I need to. Or visualize what I want to say at the funeral about the things he used to do to people. Have our class funeral and talk about what an idiot bully he was. Obviously I need to deal with this. Ideas anyone?

 

[Pencil]

Don't censor or edit yourself. Let rip and see what comes out.

 

[shimmerz]

I just wanted to thank you all for your input on this. I have been hit with flashbacks and so on all week long and this bullying thing got bigger and bigger. It was a pattern with me as they all seemed to spot me. It seems as if they can see it in me - that I am a target. It also helped me in reminding myself that I have made great progress in this way. I am no longer that little girl but understand her and why she wasn't able to fight back. Poor little thing....

@Pencil, so much came up. It went from one thing to another to another. It took me out of a good headspace for a while but I am happy to give up that time to get to where I am now.

Thanks again all for your support on this one!!!!!