School's Ending And I'm Scared.

[avgirl]

I don't want to be so alone anymore! I'm afraid I'll get swallowed into my depression. I have a bad eating disorder. I was hospitalized for anorexia nervosa right after my dad died when I first went away to college. Since then I have been trying to recover (it's been 4 years).

The thing was, and please don't judge me, I was in the hospital a second time after that brief stay, but my second time (same hospital, medical for eating disorders, but they kept me long for trauma) I was inpatient for a year straight. Then I went to res, so it was almost two years of being away from my regular life.

It was helpful but even my therapist now thinks my trauma was severe, and it's hard for me to recognize that. I feel like I don't deserve support.

This weird mix of having really put into perspective the horrible things I've gone through, and being back at school doing what I love feels like such a split. Now that I'm back, I can feel "normal" with friends (I've made some and seen some old ones) and class got me through the year, because being back is the one place I feel real.

It's ending for the summer. I just know I'm losing something that I need, I didn't even have yet. I'm not sure if this will make any sense but I have either stress dreams or nightmares every night. The nightmares are usually of this trapped feeling, sometimes in the context of the abuse and sometimes not.

The stress dreams are often (if not that I'm dying because of my bad habits) that I'm in school crying. I feel safe in school, and I LONG to open up in some way that just…connects me to my LIFE.

The most recent one was I was dying from my eating disorder (usually don't feel good in real life when I have these dreams), so weak I could barely make it down the hall at school, but I was dragging myself on the ground sideways because I needed to get to my professor's office and ask him for help.

Maybe he's my temporary father figure (he has no idea) :oops: and I'm going to miss whatever he represents in my head? How do I get rid of this need for some protective older male in my life? Even before my dad died, he never protected me from the abuse.

I've had at least a dozen dreams where now that I'm back at school, that part of my life is coming into this part. I had one where in the dream I had a flashback while sitting in class—shaking and crying and every feeling!

I had so many where I started crying in front of everyone and just couldn't stop, and one where my other teacher understood because she had been through something similar and she was trying to help me.

It's not so much that these dreams are distressing (they're better than the nightmares), but I guess I just wanted to vent. I don't know…I'm always trying to figure out how to just get some relief and resolve some of my problems but instead I'm not doing so good, but I feel a little hopeless because I've tried so hard for a long time, tried lots of things, and received good help. If I can't do it now then how can I ever? I don't know why I'm not better yet but I just hate feeling so scared so often, without any clear cause to prevent. :cry:

Thanks if you've taken the time to read…

 

[rightkindofme]

I have different kinds of issues, but in similar situations I look for a summer buddy. A friendship I fairly deliberately think of as disposable after the summer. A new shiny person to distract me from my issues. Could you keep an eye out for someone who is also going to be at lose ends?

Chicks are sometimes easier but not always. If you find a guy with good boundaries they can sometimes make the easiest of summer buddies because they have very different self-expectations and they are more up for anything.

 

[Mella]

I don't have much advice, just to offer some support. I think maybe making concrete plans with some of your friends might help. I know I don't have too many friends, but I have one friend who I meet weekly for coffee and chatting. Is there a support group you could attend? And you have therapy, right? Could you up your sessions until you get acclimated to the summer? Keep us updated... and know that you have the good people on your side here. Oh, also, might want to look around on the web for some eating disorder forums. There are a few good ones out there. Best Wishes!

 

[saffy]

Hi Avgirl

I understand your fears and anxiety. Loosing a sense of security bring to mind how vulnerable we all are. :)

The safety net at school provided you help in different areas of your life that maybe you feel you are unable to control yourself.

This could also explain why you are having such vivid nightmares. These could all be areas you feel less in control of. Without the security you fear they will go beyond your control.

I can feel "normal" with friends

Being surrounded by familiar people and knowing they have been supportive is a great security, but is there any reason why these friends cannot still be supportive after school finishes?

What are you hoping to do after school? What is it you like to do? :)

Understanding what you like, or at least would like to try, gives you a sense of security in knowing that you will always find someone with similar interests or will be focused on doing something you enjoy or interests you.

Your appreciation of friends and focus on lessons enabled you to control your own eating disorder.

If you find something to focus on and keep in touch with friends it is a good way to help you control your eating disorder and then hopefully you will feel less anxious too :)

We are always here to chat and offer advice and share stories also, so you will never be alone. :)

I feel positive about your future Avgirl :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

Hi Avgirl,

Though for different reasons I have the same extreme anxiety about the end of a school year and a new summer (multiple trauma anniversaries occur in the summer). Plus, I leave a highly structured routine into huge time blocks to be with "scary me."

Are there any adult education courses offered during the summer? Any workshop classes at a local museum or some other venue? Things/classes that aren't as expensive but can still provide some structure and new friend opportunities? Any private lessons -- for playing an instrument or a dance class? Sometimes our local libraries post book clubs, etc.

Your anxiety is something I can definitely relate to but perhaps you can find/design a summer game plan.

(((Hugs)))