Scrubbing My Mind With Sunshine And Rainbows....

[Virginia]

I’ve had PTSD for 37 years. I first got the “terror –flu” when I was 5. ( fire) After that, my bowels stopped working properly…( it was good to finally know & understand that’s what was wrong with me! :)...But, the rest of my life made it worse for many, many years...

~Anyway, a long held onto belief for me has always been that “Denial IS a Wonderful Thing.” Until I reached 28 when I was RE-traumatized and brought to my knees...stuck in a gear I couldn't get out of for many years.

Through the years, my parents would always say: “If you don’t deal with “IT” ( life) “IT” will deal with you.” I buy that to some extent...I guess that’s what brought me to my knees that one fine day. But, at the same time, my Father always told me, “Its all in the things we tell ourselves.” That sounds better to me. We really do tell ourselves some crap don’t we? Who’s pretty, who’s ugly, rich, fat, poor..bla, bla, bla...and lets’s not forget how we tell ourselves somehow things are/were all our fault? Excuse the language, but there is NO other way to put what I am about to say. We “Mind f*cked” ourselves into this mess. Guess what? I am going to “Mind f*ck” myself out of it.

For better or worse, my brain went into automatic pilot, and down shifted all on its own. I never gave it permission to do that. My brain had to do a “trick” in order to help me survive/cope. Then, somewhere in the process, I tricked myself into thinking somehow things were all MY fault! ~Hello? Well guess, what? It wasn’t. None of it was. I’m not that big and powerful. Neither are you. So guess what, I’m shifting gears all on my own...one little gear at a time if need be and I am gonna use ever trick in the book I can!

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I had planned for a man to come to our home and hypnotize us into quitting smoking. 3 days before that, I was RE-Traumatized. Let me just say, it was the WORST one EVER. (Its a miracle my 2 year old nephew is alive!) Anyway, Even before I was RE-Traumatized, we spoke about my PTSD and he said he could help with that too. So, needless to say, since I was now suffering from full blown “Terror-Flu” I couldn’t WAIT for the man to show up!

I’ll cut to the chase. It helped so much, I need a cigarette to process how good I feel! ( lol!) He was here Sat and now its Mon. I’m going to write this, have a few more smokes, then, I feel confident I’ll be ok. :)

ANYWAY: Some call it Denial, I call it Re-Constructive memory. Just like he tried to take me back to the day I first smoked and in my mind, picture myself walking away, like it never happened. In other words, Mind f*ck yourself into believing something better. WHY NOT? We do it all the time. Wetell ourselves bad crap all the time, don’t we? Why not pump in some good stuff? Why do I have to focus on every bad thing all the freaking time? Why do I have to remember every last detail of every bad thing? NO MORE! I ain’t remembering shit anymore! I am gonna focus on so many good images and scrub my brain with sunshine and rainbowsif I have to. :)

He took me to a place where every time I try to remember it, it gets further and further away. The events and the images go further away….. (not ME! )

Its like the part of me that was “detached” was hypnotized. I, the “real me” never went fully under. I was already partially under. I’ve been under for many years now! That’s what PTSD is. It’s being caught in a dissociative state. My guy didn’t fully understand that. He seemed to think he was “that good.” haha, lol.

FYI~If you do it, make sure it’s with someone who FULLY understands PTSD. We were trying to do two things at once that day and it would have been even better if we just focused on the one. For the most part though, we did. It was a 3 hour one on one session (w/my hubby present of course! )

I don’t know how long it will last for, maybe forever? Maybe just a week? Who knows? Who cares. Am I 100% cured? No. I’ll still jump out of my skin if prompted, but, I feel more connected than I have in YEARS. And THAT; my friend, was worth a hundred bucks ANY day of the week!

The bottom line is that I it helped me. I was ready. I wanted to let it all go. I NEEDED to let it all go. I was an easy subject. He was a pretty good tour guide.

 

[AzureMind]

I like the way your going with this Virginia!! ;) It's great that your so determined and resolved to change your circumstances, and that's where it starts if you want to TRULY heal from it. I am/was a little skeptical about a hypnotist, so if you could pass on any info about what he made you do during the sessions so I could familiarize myself with it before I just jump in, that'd be great!

Now I have a question though; when you say the hypnotist put you under, and you say that you've felt like you were under for many years now, do you think that he helped you to process/address the trauma(s) fully? I say this because when a person is exposed to a walled-off trauma before they are ready to truly process it, it can re-traumatize the person, and this should be done with someone who is a skilled therapist who is also capable of helping you develop coping skills rather than pushing the material in a corner of your mind that you don't want or have the means to access.

I know this because I've dissociated through most of my life; I'm 23 now, and I have hardly ANY coherent memories to call on from my childhood...If I was asked to re-call the events that happened in my life, I would have no pictures, words, of any kind to confirm that I had such a experiences...this is called dissociation if you're unfamiliar, but my point is, whether it's hypnosis, or dissociation, it's a means of pushing something in the FAR corners of your mind, to forget about it, rather than facing it.

The mind is a strong, but fragile structure...just be careful if you choose to continue down this road, because you don't want to undo all the progress you've made for yourself so far!

 

[Virginia]

so if you could pass on any info about what he made you do during the sessions so I could familiarize myself with it before I just jump in, that'd be great!

Now I have a question though; when you say the hypnotist put you under, and you say that you've felt like you were under for many years now, do you think that he helped you to process/address the trauma(s) fully?

Thank You, AzureMind. I appreciate your understanding and I will try to clear up some of the details for you. :)

It all starts with a few min. of general basic non intrusive talk. During that time, for me, he noticed in my eyes that I was already "disconnected" and in a dissociative="trance like state already." He was right. That's what PTSD is. A dissociative state. That's the part of me that "went under."

I was awake and aware of everything going on. He had me follow his one hand all the way to the right, then, the other, all the way to the left...he created a rhythmic motion easy for me to get lost in. At least it was something different and simple I could TRY to focus on.

I felt half awake and half (SOUND) asleep. I was disconnected like I "normally am" by PTSD default, but, this time, the PTSD disconnected part of me was sound asleep. Kinda like when ya can't shake off a bad heavy dream...or wake up from a powerful sleeping pill. I was "half in and half out" with my eyes closed and as completely relaxed as I could be without throwing up. :) When it was over, I felt kinda punch drunk...but, calm, good and HAPPY!

For me, I do not have any walled off memories. Unfortunately, I remember all of them. He didn't get me to try and forget or remember any of them in particular, well, one in particular, but, still not in great detail and ALL of them in general.

For example: for the general stuff: Pump up a balloon in my head and fill it with pain, anger, guilt and sadness while raising my hand at the same time, when my hand is over my head, the balloon was full. Then, all of a sudden he popped it and my arm fell. BANG! POOF! All gone, bugh-by! In all of my years, I've never been so happy to have someone pop my balloon! :)

As far as my most recent trauma, he made it so every time I try to remember it, it goes further away in my mind. There is no reason for me to focus on it and hold on to it and remember every sick detail of it all. Time and distance are my friend right now. :)

Then, we did another one where my husband say's what convinced him something was working was when he "grabbed a memory out of your brain and threw it." When that happened, he said the expression on my face was incredible.

This kind of stuff went on for 3 hours. Relax, go there, see it, and now watch it disappear. This, combined with loving affirmations like: "I am a smart loving person, I enjoy the sound of the birds, the smell of the flowers....and all that good stuff....

We are not supposed to remember some stuff. For example, we don't remember our birth for a reason. Let the brain do its job and help it to cope with the duality of reality. Its good and bad. No reason to get stuck in all of one or the other. Balance is the key, right?

There ARE good things in life. No reason the be stuck in terror mode. The gear needs to be shifted/manipulated manually out of it, the way it was "manipulated" into it.

I am glad I did this. I think of it as a car alignment. I never really did drive straight, but, so far, I'm steering much better now. I'll only do it again if the wheel spins out of control again.

I hope this helps. xoxo :)

 

[AzureMind]

Thanks Virignia! I never really thought of the healing process being so 'instantaneous' you know? Anyway, it seems like it's helped you with everything, and considering everything you've been through and how you had remembered it, it's a blessing you found this guy, because you were able to give yourself the proper space/time away from that crap necessary to focus on getting your life back on track! I'm glad that you didn't let it stop you! Kinda feels like a vacation doesn't it!? :)

I'm not so nervous about seeing/contacting a hypnotist anymore now that I understand the general process, and actually, my therapist was hesitant to put me under because of how much I had repressed. I guess I got every reason to move forward now. He even worked on constructing positive affirmations with you! That's GREAT! I definitely could benefit from that! It'd be nice to hear something more in my head then "I'll disown you!" etc. The point is, the more I hear about this hypnotist the more I guess I can understand that we all may NOT be supposed to remember some stuff, and balance is DEFINITELY the key in all this for sure!

I'm gonna talk to me T, and see if we can't advance the hypnosis session sooner. I can't WAIT to give this a try! :) It'd be cool to remember the good stuff I went through, and not have to dissociate for every little thing I went through...I'm missing out on my life! :eek: Now, I guess I can breathe a little easier about all this stuff, knowing I have a solid plan/understanding of this tool; sometimes I forget that I'm 23, and feel ALOT older, but when you're the only one helping yourself, it's easy to loose track of things like that! :laugh:

 

[Virginia]

Thanks Virignia!

I'm gonna talk to me T, and see if we can't advance the hypnosis session sooner. I can't WAIT to give this a try! :) It'd be cool to remember the good stuff I went through, and not have to dissociate for every little thing I went through...I'm missing out on my life! :laugh:

True, you are young. Kudos to you for seeking help! It is hard to figure this stuff out all by yourself! The sooner you know what's wrong with you the better! My advise is to try not to make it any more complicated than it needs to be. It sounds good I know, but, there is hope! :inlove:

I suffered in silence for so many years...after a while, a person can be afraid to let go of all of that pain because it becomes a part of who they are. Who would you be without all that pain? That's scary for some! (And) more crap we tell ourselves!

Let me tell ya who you will be, you will be HAPPY! How's that? (LOL!) BIG SMILES! It TRULY is like a Vacation! I have felt the wind in my hair and that deep pleasure within that I haven't felt in many years! WOW! Yea! :)

I needed to kick start my brain and "get the lead out." I didn't expect such instant results either..but......Ahhhh....thank you Lord! :)

Its hard to do, I wish I went fully under, but, do the best you can to "go with it." Have someone there in the corner who you trust, so they can supervise the process and you can fully relax and surrender, ( having that really helped me.) Don't be afraid to cry...its a RELEASE...listen to the directions you are being told and do the best you can to focus on that. Imagine what you are being told to picture...trust the process.... let it go.....:)

For me, in retrospect, I found that having a strong minded, "no nonsense" kinda man who is authoritative, to be helpful. He was very soothing...then, STRONG and DEMANDING! When he popped my balloon, it was with authority! ( LOL) :geek:

Keep me posted! Let me know how it works out for you! :)

 

[AzureMind]

I suffered in silence for so many years...after a while, a person can be afraid to let go of all of that pain because it becomes a part of who they are. Who would you be without all that pain? That's scary for some! (And) more crap we tell ourselves!

You know? You're 1000% right about this! That's why I was so negative about trying to fix it; I thought if I let it go, that I'd just be an empty vessel/corpse! I'm WAY to attached to this crap, and what's more, I was afraid that someone would know the 'real me' and leave, or not get to know the me before what I went through, I didn't want there to be any secrets, I'm BIG on honesty, because secrets were a big part of what I had to go through; there was nobody to come and help, it's part of why of I feel so lonely now I guess? but nothing's worse then not knowing the 'real you' yourself! :)

I'm betting, I'll have to work somethings out emotionally; I'm LONG overdue for it; it's rough though for me now, because I was raised by parents that wanted me to be strong and I adapted to their idea of strength by becoming a stoic, iron-faced young guy...you know as they say 'big boys/girls don't cry!' lol We know it's not true, but we try anyway you know?! :rolleyes:

I'll definitely find a way to keep you up to date with everything! I'll be talking with my T to see if he wants to advance my hypno-therapy, he wanted to see if I was ready/capable of dealing with it, and I honestly gotta say, I won't know until I try! :) Thanks a MILLION Virginia!! :D