Secondary Ptsd In My Child?

[Kolten]

I want as much feedback please as possible to help me with this difficult topic. I have had PTSD, or complex PTSD for a yr and a half. Over the course of time and it taking it's ravaging course my wife developed secondary PTSD about a yr into mine. Her trigger is my episodes of PTSD. That's it. It made me feel So guilty and shamefull to hurt the one person I love the most inadvertently. Now my child seems to have symptoms of the same. She has developed episodes of anger and rage and says verbally abusive remarks. She negative self talks while doing so and I see it from the outside and it looks exactly like a PTSD episode. Could it Be possible She has also developed secondary PTSD derivative of mine? There's never been any physical violence in the home just to give u full perspective. There have been yelling and leaving the home and more anger type episodes that she has seen in the past. Please give me any thoughts you have on this. I appreciate you all.

 

[Justmehere]

It is possible that your daughter is dealing with symptoms of stress due to both of her parents struggling. It could also be that some of this is leaened behavior. Kids and teens tend to mimic parents and tend to internalize parents as models of how to handle life. I would avoid diagnosing her yourself with a major mental health condition and instead find a good therapist for her so that she can develop her own coping skills to handle the stress in her life inside and outside of her family and so that she has someone there just for her own support.

 

[Kolten]

I am 100% in agreeance with a professional and I wouldn't want it to go untreated if it was or if it isn't be told that too. I am setting her up an appt tmrw in a child therapist to get down to the bottom of it. Professionals are the only way to go with these situations and ours being so complex. Thanks for ur feedback tho. It was helpful.

 

[Justmehere]

Excellent! Regardless of it is secondary symptoms related to your struggle or not, it does seem like she could use some extra support and guidance right now. When you talk to your child about it, try to avoid pathologizing her behavior and instead normalize that almost everyone needs someone to talk to at times. Kids can sometimes misinterpret that seeing a therapist means they are broken somehow and if she already had negative self talk, she might take it that way. Instead, frame it as something to support her in being the great kid you already know that she is and giving her someone to talk to about stuff. I'd also dive deeper into your own treatment.

 

[Suzetig]

How old is your child? Depending on age she may experience yelling and trusted adults leaving the house as traumatic in its own right. To my knowledge secondary PTSD isn't a formal diagnosis, yes close relatives or supporters may experience signs of traumatic stress through their exposure to the suffering of others it's usually seen in people in the helping services, first responders etc who are reacting to the trauma of helping other people cope with trauma. It's referred to in the literature as secondary trauma or vicarious trauma.

PTSD needs a Crit A trauma, it's the nature of the trauma that causes the damage which results in disordered processing of post traumatic stress. I'd consider whether there's an issue of learned behaviour if you and your partner aren't managing your symptoms around your child, I'd also consider whether you may be in advertently impacting her with your symptomatic behaviour, eg maybe struggling to meet her needs because of your health issues and her behaviour is a reaction to this. If there's lots of shouting and yelling, she may just simply be trying to have her voice heard in a way that seems to work for the adults in the house.

In any event, you need to get support to bring your own health under enough control to parent your child and she needs support for whatever is going on for her. As others have said, I'd be very reluctant to stick a label on your daughter unless and until you were sure she isn't reacting to her environment, in which case you need to think about how to stabilise her living environment. I know that may sound harsh, but your first responsibility is to her and your parenting role.

 

[Kolten]

No. It doesn't sound harsh. It sounds logical. Does any parent want to think they may have been a cause to an issue with their child..no. But I am a better parent than that to know professional help is the only solution to sort out these issues. She is going tmrw to meet w a therapist for the first time. I cannot say there is out of control behavior in my home at all times or even some or part of the times. There have been episodes where i have left the home to not expose my child to any damage which may have been traumatic to leave the home. I can't take back the past it's what I do with the future that matters now. Thanks for ur advice any is always helpful.

 

[Suzetig]

There have been yelling and leaving the home and more anger type episodes that she has seen in the past.

This is what I reacted to in my post, you said there were no out of control behaviours but yelling, leaving and anger that is out of the ordinary can all feel very out of control to child.

I'd also say, with respect, if you think your symptoms have impacted on your partner to where she is showing signs of being traumatised then I very much doubt there is no out of control behaviour. If what's happening at home is enough to traumatise an adult, it's enough to traumatise a child.

It's good that your getting professional help for her, but if the home environment is traumatising for her, that's what needs to change - no amount of professional help for her will improve things if she feels unsafe.

 

[Pixielicious]

As imperfect parents, we all make mistakes....Even me... The key is communication, saying sorry, Forgiveness and lots and lots of love....making The child feel secure and safe again....And loved again, whilst changing our own behaviour...

 

[Kolten]

I greatly appreciate this post. So very true too that I realize our children are a product of us and our behavior but also our environment. No one is a perfect parent making no mistakes. We all do. What we choose to do with the situation after the fact is what is ultimately important. That's why i am choosing the route I am and I know no matter what she and we all will rise above and be ok. The journey of 1000 miles begins with one single step right?

 

[Pixielicious]

I greatly appreciate this post. So very true too that I realize our children are a product of us and our...

Aye.. And it's never too late to start again.
I'm actually quite surprised & proud of myself for thinking like this now because when I first joined this site I had a death wish. I seriously wanted to die. Finding this site saved my life..... my sanity :)

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Regardless of it is secondary symptoms related to your struggle or not, it does seem like she could use some extra support and guidance right now. When you talk to your child about it, try to avoid pathologizing her behavior and instead normalize that almost everyone needs someone to talk to at times. Kids can sometimes misinterpret that seeing a therapist means they are broken somehow and if she already had negative self talk, she might take it that way. Instead, frame it as something to support her in being the great kid you already know that she is and giving her someone to talk to about stuff.

Wow. This thread gives me a lot to think about in regards to my own relationship as an adult daughter with my dad.

For this forum, I am best described as a "supporter" for my husband. But he and I have talked through a LOT of these kinds of thoughts with respect to parenting, for if/when we have kids of our own.

Frankly, I think PTSD .. as a general RULE .. should not be talked about/treated in a "pathologizing" way as @Justmehere stated above. (Beautifully put!) .. I (we) LOVE the emphasis on "normalize" as well as speaking to the GOOD (GREAT) that is already at the HEART of the person in question, cuz that has, honestly, been the most HEALING aspect for my husband.

He knew "something was wrong" with him - he knew he was a survivor of horrific, repeat and complex traumas (though the specifics of his memory are "splintered" and jumbled, understandably!) - and he went to MULTIPLE counselors over the years who led him down numerous more damaging paths, until eventually we met .. and .. while perhaps not-so-suddenly, the eventually very simple reality of me LOVING him unconditionally, giving him the space he needed to pull away or reassess or bluster and "switch" without taking it too personally, or allowing it to ruin "us" (this did not come naturally, took us a lot of work, but we persevered! and the simple fact of my "sticking with him" through ALL the ups and downs really spoke volumes) .. the very simple reality of LOVE working in us allowed him to .. um .. "normalize."

He wasn't broken - he was scarred, sure, but NOT irreparably damaged! ...

Thank God my husband, in the early days of our friendship and later more-than-friends, had the foresight to frontload me with what he already knew about himself. Both of us were older for what you might consider typical 1st-time-married newlyweds (I'm 40, he's almost 50). Oh dear, I can only imagine it would be SO much harder to "discover" or begin to get a handle on things AFTER relationship patterns were already established, so I certainly feel for you @Kolten. I presume the c-PTSD didn't START that recently for you, but was only that more recently diagnosed? And the temptation, certainly, can be to fear all the shadows on the wall when you start to realize the complexities of PTSD, and c-PTSD (which - as I understand it - almost always, if not always!, includes varying degrees of dissociation and internal multiplicity, as is the case with my husband) ... there is SO much to learn, and it can be so overwhelming, and when you start to unravel some of the layers it can seem SO thick, and so causational to almost every struggle!

But - admittedly without knowing the details of your situation beyond what you've shared here - I'd like to at least encourage you to consider the very real "normal" along with the "complex" .. cuz relationships are just plain hard, whether PTSD is in the mix or not.

The question is - is the relationship WORTH the struggle? And if so? Oh, sir, it's amazing how much LOVE itself can heal.

Because there is an intrinsic humbling that goes alongside the every day, and we work through .. To that end, for example, my husband and I have created a kind of "policies and procedures manual" for our relationship and family. He thrives when he has clear lines/boundaries. It helps him feel safe, it gives him a solid ground he can stand on/return to, it keeps open "back doors" of escape as needed (such as permission to leave me behind at a family get-together, cuz he's too overwhelmed, or in danger of a "switch" or "hard click" as he calls it) .. inside OUR relationship, we know "quitting" is not an option, and we also say "there are no mistakes" .. which doesn't really mean no mistakes - it means, there is no mistake so big it could break us, and we strive to have grace for one another inside those times when temper gets the best of us. We have had to define a lot more "permissions" than perhaps the average relationship, but one of our best rules is "speak in the now." That is - don't let something fester, even if you don't have it sorted out yet, we discuss and "process" it TOGETHER .. cuz neither one of us is "alone" anymore. That is POWERFUL.

This is a long, somewhat interrupted post, so lemme summup. :)

a) LOVE heals.
b) We don't QUIT each other.
c) We speak openly and honestly WITH each other, even if it's hard.
d) Address things right away, don't let them fester.
e) FORGIVE quickly.
f) Leave ROOM for each other in our respective weaknesses, including permission to not always be "socially acceptable." Cuz we won't always be socially acceptable. (LOL) And if our respective family/friends can't allow for that, it may naturally lead to changes in how we interact with said family/friends and that's OK, cuz we are each other's FIRST importance. (WE are each other's family FIRST, even if we weren't each other's first family, ya know?)
g) "Hard" is NORMAL. But we always keep striving for BETTER, with each other's BEST at heart.

(We very much try to live by the list of what defines "love" in 1 Corinthians 13, in case you're interested.)

Please feel free to receive or dismiss anything I've said! I hope something in this jumble might encourage you! :)

~WU