Seeiously.... Fml!!!!

[Adam F.]

So thus most is mostly depression related but also fits with anxiety and panic attacks and probably a ton of other posts. I also deal with C-PTSD because of being a police officer.

Anyways, so I'm gonna jump back to June of last year. I fell and messed my ankle up pretty badly. It kept from doing my job for 8 weeks; however, it was still incredibly messed up but i couldn't afford to lost out on overtime money.

So the very first day I'm back to full duty, my sergeant drops a huge bomb shell on me. He tells me that my partner and I, of over 2 years, would no longer be riding together and giving me no reason why. So I end up going into full rage mode and just completely unleash a ton of pent up anger and whatever else.... Long story short, I get forced into a psychological evaluation, which takes me back off of fully duty for another 6 weeks because the psych wouldn't clear me at first.

After all of this, I finally get back to full duty again and everything is fine for about 6 weeks. At that point, my ankle just couldn't take anymore and I had to go back to the doctor; however, i get pushed to the side because "there is nothing he can do until my injury is 6 months old".

So i am forced to wait 6 weeks in ungodly pain, working full duty and a ton of overtime, before I have surgery. I had ankle surgery on December 13th last year.

So i sit here, 2 plus months past surgery still in a ton of pain and can't see a different doctor because my work won't pay for it and i can't afford it out if pocket.

Last bit of back story coming up here. About 2 weeks ago, after coming off of physical therapy, I again came back to full duty. The only problem was i was angry and anxious and hella deep in depression and I again lash out at my sergeant, which gets me put into a different bs assignment.

So, i just got out of the hospital a week and a half ago due to chest pains which were the results of anxiety.

My anxiety and depression of been completely out of control since injuring my ankle last June.

To coincide with that my wife and i have had to inimate contact in over 9 months and that just makes it even worse.

With the depression and anxiety so incredibly out if control, which my meds don't help at all, I'm now finding it hard to distinguish between what is real and what isn't. I'm at an all time high for my paranoia. And now I've started thinking of ways out of it all.

The meds don't help and I have had them adjusted. Nothing is working, including my therapist and i just don't know what to do.

I'm not happy with the way my life is. I'm not happy that i have gained 40+ pounds in 9 months. I'm not happy with my "sexless" marriage or the way my wife snaps off about every little thing. I'm tired of my damn job being treated poorly because of mental illness; however, I can't leave it until at least next March when my wife is done with school.

I just don't f*cking know what to do anymore. I really need some opinions and some help from you all. This is the only place I have to put all of this out in the open and I love that I have you all.

Thank you guys for what you do.

 

[ladee]

Welcome! Its very overwhelming to have so much going on at once.sorry I don't know how to share the link for the areticle here about our Stress Cup. Look it up in Articles. Sorry I can't be more help

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Glad you came here to share and get support.

Deep breathing techniques (diaphragmatic and alternate nostril, especially), nature, primal screaming, banging on my drum, beating the crap out of a speed bag/punching bag, dancing to favorite music, singing at the top of my lungs, bouncing like a madman on my mini-trampoline with the music cranked up, preparing/eating/drinking only high energy clean living foods/beverages, taking a hot bath or shower(perhaps invite the wife on occasion as a pampering session?) and using favorite essential oils afterward, massage therapy, even basic massage of all of self -or- between you and your wife to get some meaningful and intimate touch back into the scene are a few ideas that come to my mind.

Maybe learn about some stress relieving acupressure points together (you tube university rocks....lol), or you learn and offer to teach her by offering to reduce her stress by practicing it on her, if there's an interest, do things that genuinely make your heart smile and make you feel good about yourself, then do more of that, preferably in healthy ways so the consequences don't become more complicated than the original issues.

Nurturing self as best and as often as we can, on purpose and daily, helps us to be more present and aware of how to meet our own needs, which in turn helps us be more present for others in our lives, such as spouses/partners/co-workers/bosses/kids/pets/friends/community, etc. We can't serve love from an empty cup. Best wishes in healthily navigating, shifting, and releasing all those unpleasant energies to make room for more of the things that enrich your life.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Here's the link ladee mentioned:
Link Removed

 

[ladee]

Thank you @Tornadic Thoughts ..
I Had a serious senior moment.!

 

[Sea_lady]

Hi @Adam F. , how are you today?

Have you ever considered having a dog?... or a cat, if you're a cat person or can't have a pet.

Dogs are extremely helpful because they can sense when your anxiety gets out, and if you train him, he can calm you down (for instance, by gently pulling the leash, or licking your hand) - a way to signal "be careful, you're going out of control", that way you know a trigger has hurt you and you must leave the place to calm down (i.e. by doing breathing exercise, petting your dog, having some fresh air, etc). Away. Away from situations that could put you in trouble.

A dog is also a partner, somehow. Dogs are loyal, they're always by your side, they're your best mate and will protect you no matter what. Thus, they give a sense of security and belonging. You are member of a super team with your pet. They also offer distraction from the pain (i.e. playing, cuddling), and give a purpose to life when the human world is too overwhelming. They make smile and laugh, which increase serotonine naturally in your brain. They can listen to you. They love you. You can trust a dog for life.

 

[Phantom Shadow]

First of all Thank for your service to your community.

The one thing I attempt to do is pump a ball that I care almost every where. One of those they give you when you give blood. I find it is de-stresses me some when I pump it when I fell the stress coming on.