Seeking Advice For Appropriate Response To Victims Of Sexual Abuse

[Heather]

also tell them that you are sorry that it happened to them, that its not their fault and you don't blame for telling the truth.....you know the obvious stuff....obvious to you and me and everyone else on the planet everyone EXCEPT MY MOTHER because i never got any of that either

 

[Turtle]

My mother was previously married to a man, and had 3 sons with him, then divorced, remarried and had me. The first guy (my brothers' father, but not my stepfather or anything like that) was the one who abused me during summer visits. My situation is kinda different, but this is what helped me.

Validation
Just having someone acknowledge how it made me feel lifted a huge weight. It didn't matter if someone could understand perfectly why I felt that way, but just having someone acknowledge my feelings, and saying that I deserved to feel that way helped so much. Even if you don't agree with whatever they are feeling/say at least tell them you acknowledge it. It helped me feel safe when talking about what happened or my feelings, I wasn't as scared to open up, I didn't feel like I was going to be judged.

Talking
There were times when something would keep running through my head and just saying it out loud helped to stop the repeating cycle. This one could be hard, especially if it was about a specific trauma. I always left the option open that someone did not have to listen to me, if it was going to be too hard for them to handle. I didn't want to make things difficult for others as well. I respected their limits/boundaries.

Hugs
Lots of hugs, but only when I asked for them, or just gave them. Touch by someone who loves me and cares about me can be very calming when things are hard. When I went to the police station I was death gripping my carer's hand. That physical contact helped so much, it was a good touch, and reminded me that good touch is possible. Having him just sitting next to me for moral support ment so much. I think you'd be surprised how much that could help them during the trial. Just having you around can mean so much.

Love
Just tell them you love them. What happened to them really sucks, but you didn't wish it upon them, you did not do this too them. You may feel guilty for not knowing or not being able to prevent it, and you can tell them that, but if they say it's not your fault, or that you shouldn't feel guilty then listen to them. I had problems with blaming my family for what happened, but I realized they couldn't change anything now, but they could support me and help me make things better. Focus on that. Now when I tell them to stop feeling guilty they know I truely mean it. I don't want anyone else to feel bad for what he did to me. It wasn't my fault and it wasn't their fault either, it is only his fault.

 

[intothelight]

Heather and Turtle,

Believing, listening, talking, hugging and mostly loving. There is no other way. It should be the way for all who suffered.

Thank you.
Debbie

 

[Heather]

Debbie - your girls are so lucky to have you as a mom. Will you adopt me? Please!!!

 

[Abrasky]

I would also like to be adopted : ) My mother didn't know about the abuse, but still doesn't regret never protecting me from profound psychological abuse of yelling and screaming because in her own words " she would have gotten yelled at". I think that that you are doing a great job supporting your daughters and giving them every avenue to be protected from further psychological issues.

I was abused from my dad from 6-9. The b#sta#d never went to jail because there was not enough evidence to convict. However the women with stockholm syndrome he meets now keep leaving him because of a little psychological set up of my own( All positive not like revenge or anything) You should never p##ss a girl off it. It's a bit like grannies and there wallking canes. I have been told my husbands granny was formiddable with her walking cane.

I also was approached by a father I went to stay at a friends place when I was 9 but managed to get out of that with quick thinking. I was very very very lucky. My friend later went to court and her dad went to jail for abuse and rape.

Both events effected me. The first effected me by breaking me down. I didn't have any parent figure to rely on. The second with my friend made me determined to achieve in life and make something ofmyself. I then started to get a bit of survivor guilt, feeling guility about making something of myself and having success from something bad that happened to someone else. Try to help where you can at making sure they know it wasn't their fault and if they want to make something good of this horrible experience, to not feel guilty about it. They need to know they deserve to give them selves permission to be able to rise above it.

Survivor guilt, the abandonment and grief are all good things to address in councelling. Having a parent that supports during the traumatic process of telling about your abuser would probably be the most important thing that I would have needed at the time. As It sounds like you are already a wonderful supporter already, such an amazing mum.

 

[intothelight]

Heather and Maze,

Words cannot express my gratitude for your compliment. There is nothing that anyone has ever said to me that touched me in the way the two of you did. It touched my heart deeply and gave me much needed reassurance that I am making good decisions. (PTSD makes me doubt myself a lot :D)

I would like to share with you some of the good that comes from the bad. One daughter is in college and she is taking pre-law. She wants to work in a prosecutors office in the sex crimes division. She feels that her experience will help other victims as they face the difficulty of prosecution. My youngest daughter has a dream of owning a therapeutic riding stable and working with abused children. She goes to college next year and is majoring in equine science. She already volunteers her horse and her time with children. They are amazing young women.

There oldest sister suffered battery at his hands. He was choking me and she intervened. He gave her an upper-cut to the jaw that sent her into a wall. He was prosecuted and convicted of felony child abuse at that time. Because of this, the court never ordered her to go to visitation. But she feels guilty since she wasn't there to protect her younger sisters. She is in counseling too, and has become an RN. She works with children who are abused in a hospital setting. More good from bad.

When I have recovered enough and we have sold our business, I want to work with domestic violence victims. By helping a parent be strong, they can help their children. One day, I hope to read that all moms or dads know how to be supportive. Not realistic, but change comes one person at a time.

I know all of our lives are affected and it will continue to impact our futures. But it will not destroy.

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Debbie