Seeking approval from triggering people

[kelg0831]

I'm very newly registered here, but I have read many of the threads, and this seems like a good place to seek some advice. My c-ptsd stems from an absent father and an emotionally neglectful mother. Ex. - my mother's cycle: Get mad at me. Silent treatment. Say nothing is wrong each time I ask. Finally blow up at me in a rage and tell me I am the reason she's a miserable person. I get triggered by the silent treatment, people who take their frustration out on me, and when others deny that they have done anything slightly off. I have a co-worker who does all three frequently. Is it meant to be personal? Most likely not, but it's still very difficult for me to deal with. Throw in a stressful, negative, non-structured work environment with virtually no boundaries, policies, and procedures, and it's a recipe for disaster for me. I've addressed these issues with my supervisor, and she told me to ignore it, let it go, and get over it. To a person with a different history than me and a healthy ego, that would be sound advice, however, I can't shake it.

My question is this...do others of you feel a deep need to be validated by people who are triggering to you? Once they deny the validity of what I'm feeling, I feel like I HAVE to prove to them that I'm not the problem. That they HAVE to accept and approve of me instead of just avoiding them or looking for a new job. If I did that, I would see that as massive failure on my part because somehow I'm defective and can't be around people like that. That I am the failure as a human, not that the could have possibly done anything inappropriate. Does this make any sense to anyone?

 

[richard_Grey_Area]

Hello and welcome.

It makes a lot of sense to me because I am often told that I am the person you are describing.
But this is not about me ;)

Ok, so, you want to know that you are not the one with the problem?
The behaviour you are describing is what I think most people would consider problematic.
However, this does not mean that you are not the one with the problem, it simply means that the other parties you describe have different problems.

I think you may have misunderstood the advice given. Because it can come across as, "pah, we just ignore things like that, what's wrong with you?" or it can come across as "yes, we all know about <name of person here>, it's best not to respond to him/her because he/she clearly has problems".
Have you considered that your coworker might be posting things on this very website about accidentally killing his/her brother and how he/she is trying to live with him/herself?

The point I am trying to make is that pointing out other people's problems does not make yours go away and does not make you feel any better. For myself, I'd feel more validated if I were able to find a way to understand how to live with someone like that. However, some people are just very difficult to get along with (myself included) and so... yes, we can only try, can't we.

Wanting to be accepted warts and all is part of the human condition, there is nobody on earth who everyone would universally and unconditionally accept, it is something we all need to work on. It is my opinion that acceptance is something everybody wants and many feel entitled to but not that man people find as easy to give.
You might try explaining where you come from to this coworker, by putting yourself in a vulnerable position you might elicit them to share problems they have in their lives. Then again you might just give them more ammunition to use against you, consider the situation carefully and see what is best.

I hope that things go well and that your situation at work improves. I know how it is to be upset and have people tell you "Don't let it get to you, just laugh it off" as if they are totally unaware of what you are going through and insensitive.
For me it is like fear, you can't not feel this unpleasant thing and logic and proportion won't make things any better, but you can feel what you are feeling and go on anyway, that is in my opinion a more fulfilling feeling.
Peace and blessings

 

[r0s1e]

Disclaimer: I can only really speak for myself, so I don't know if this will be at all helpful to you. Apologies if it is not.

I have similar issues with a few of my coworkers, but I've found that the more obsessed I become (and I do get obsessed) with proving that I'm not the problem, the more of a problem I actually am. It sucks, but I've learned that taking a step back and looking at how I might be playing into a situation and then "being the bigger person" (gag) do actually make for less stressful relationships in the longrun. It's just really hard to train yourself not to get caught up on making a point on principle and look at what will be better for your mental health if you're going to continue to be around this person. Don't feed the trolls, etc.

In one case with a really difficult worker, it does seem like if I make a real effort to approch her BS with compassion, she is a lot more willing to meet me halfway. Having been repeatedly traumatized by manipulative people makes it really hard to do this, but it usually pays off.

With that said, at this point I try to only deal with this person in writing and always CC my manager, who has an eye on the situation. Safety is important.

 

[kelg0831]

Both of these replies have provided me with a wave of relief. Thank you for sharing so respectfully...r0s1e, when you say, that the more obsessed you get with not being the problem, the more of a problem you actually become, that is exactly how I feel. And then it's this down the rabbit hole I go. Before you know it, I've convinced myself that nothing bad has ever happened to me, I made it all up (which was a tactic used by my mother AND my first husband, but thankfully, my extraordinary husband now is wonderful at validating my experiences), and I'm totally delusional. Not just that my reactions may be due to a trigger and I overreacted, but that the objective event didn't happen.

 

[FragileGlass]

Yes, the straw that broke the camels back was the situation my ex relationship cost me. While technically not together but still very much in each other's lives, I was working in a rural Hospital at the during Christmas when I had to deal with a tragic death.

A friend of my ex had died in a car crash, I was not on shift when the victim was brought into hospital, I was on shift the next night when I had to inventory and transfer the body of the friend to the funeral home. It was not a pretty sight.

My ex is now with the victims(friends) husband and it started a freefall of damaging emotions from having seen the victim(wife) in the morgue. They started a month and a half after wife was killed.

Im never going to get the closure I need here because both husband and my ex have deemed me crazy for ever having feelings over someone I didn't know.

While everyone in my world validated my emotions as extreme and damaging. The closure and compassion I need will never come because of the lack of empathy I get from my previous relationship and her relationship!(the husband)!

December 22nd! Is gonna be a tough day!