Self Care, Why Is It So Hard

[Eleanor]

@FridayJones - could you say more about the specifics of how these systems work? I find there are somethings I am very very good about (my animals are the most "compliant" patients any of my vets have ever had, me and my doc... not so much.) And others, well....

What are those systems exactly?

 

[jaccat]

Oh yeah, i went for three months without brushing my teeth once;). I did not see the point.

 

[Friday]

@Eleanor... LOL... That's a huge question. And one I'm still trying to parse out, myself.

Most of it is going to sound really familiar: exercise, connecting with others, self time, sleep, eat, etc. In the broad strokes. Ways to bleed off stress, and ground, etc. The layers are physical, emotional, mental, social.

The routines mean I don't even have to think about them. But if something interrupts that? Layers of systems to make sure things are still met.

To use showering as an example... I have to take a shower to wake up. If I can't? My whole day is completely jacked. (Very much "For want of a nail, the war." So I make sure I have working backups. There are showers I can use at the gym, dojo, & work. Moreover, I already have bags packed with spare toiletries and clothes. In a few locations. Cause if I have to find them? It ain't gonna happen. It's planning ahead, because, yep. Showers really are that important to me. I have been known, in a pinch, to take a cab to the gym... Because both my shower and car are busted. But, no worries, cause I have backups.

I am currently sitting here, after both taking my son to school in my Jammie's, and going to the store in them :dead: looking like death warmed over (and thinking about as clearly)... Slowly going into a murderous rage... Over something as silly as it being 4 hours and no shower. Except this is something like day 107. A few days I can cope with and it doesn't affect the rest of my routine too badly. But all of my routines & systems are f*cked up at present. I don't have a car, I don't have go-bags for various activities, I don't have work & activities to propel me through a day and chunk it into manageable segments, with different times for different things. I don't have friends who'll push me flat on the floor and work out the kinks in my neck. I don't have various forms of exercise to bleed off this stress before it goes to rage. I don't even have the basics set up, much less the backups, so that if something does go sideways? I can catch it before it jacks my who day, week, month.

The systems are all layers of little things. Layers, so that if any one gets screwed up? The rest aren't a house of cards that all come crashing down. But what they all add up to? I'm taking care of myself, and my life, and my people, & am just being able to be really damn functional. It's not moving from crisis to crisis and failing left, right, and center... But able to adapt and keep moving. Not just knocked on my ass.

The safety nets, meanwhile, are just bigger versions.

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the message was lost.
For want of a message the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

 

[The Albatross]

For about 4 years I had a "self care check list". It was reviewed every 6-9 months or so and I removed some that had become behavior and added in others.

But I'm with Spiderallis... a decrease in self care usually is an increase in depression or a portent of a down cycle for me. I go back to basics... the last place where I was consistently successful and go from there.

 

[Ronin]

A lot of people told me supporting my existance is the act of resistance so the days I'm all 'I'm fine and what's this totally basic stuff about, what's the point anyway', I go back to that (nothing is too small). But boy, do I need outside encouragement quite a bit.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

For about 4 years I had a "self care check list". It was reviewed every 6-9 months or so and I removed some that had become behavior and added in others.

But I'm with Spiderallis... a decrease in self care usually is an increase in depression or a portent of a down cycle for me. I go back to basics... the last place where I was consistently successful and go from there.

This is a great idea - my man helps to manage his lapse in memory about little things ((c)ptsd-(structural)did related) by writing things on a white board, which he keeps updated as long as we can keep him well stocked in dry erase markers. :inlove:

I am totally going to offer this suggestion about "self-care" and see what he says! A good idea for me, too, as I also trend towards the "everyone else is more important than me" way of thinking.

Thanks for this thread! :hug: 's to all.

~S2B

 

[The Albatross]

Hey Holden... nix the "stuff got busy". Self care is a "me first" sort of thing... I got to do what I got to do to tend physically, mental/emotionally and spiritually for myself each day. If I don't, I'll wonk my day.

I'll tell you what the problem was for me though... when things got busy... I ramped up my anxiety and stress because I found it difficult to hold all that stuff in my frontal lobe. It takes patience, practice, persistence, perseverance (prayer being optional... but I've expanded my basic "P's" to like 9 or 10 now.) 26-28 days makes a new habit, 6 months, a new behavior.

 

[Suzetig]

Self care is a massive challenge for me most of the time and feels impossible if I'm struggling. I have to force myself to shower, brush teeth, do make up etc. Housework falls under the heading of self care so can be pretty hit or miss depending on how I'm doing. Friends can literally track how I'm feeling by my morning routines. I've found that having a plan and routine helps, I keep a list of 5 things I must do daily, in addition to my bathroom routine, and when I'm feeling rough I have to tick them off one by one. It might be my list includes going for a 10 minute walk at lunch time, read a chapter of a book "for pleasure", texting a friend, washing up the dishes after dinner... it works for me to some extent and some days is literally all I get done, especially at the moment cos I'm off work again.

I know for me it stems from my feelings of self worth, as in if I only had to care for myself for my own sake I wouldn't bother. I bathe, wear make up, brush teeth because I need to be around other people and want that experience to be relatively pleasant for them or because i fear their disapproval at me not taking care of personal grooming. Left to me, I wouldn't bother.

 

[The Albatross]

I do refuting on the thoughts about forcing myself to do stuff.

 

[holdenmonty]

Thanks guys. I'm going to come up with a self care checklist. You guys are awesome and I want to thank all of you. Me not doing self care was one of the things that I have beating myself up about lately.

 

[Sandstone]

Interesting. I hadn't been counting these basic things as self-care. I saw that as being the exercises in attention, meditation etc. I thought the stuff like washing, dressing, eating real food, making the bed, cleaning the loo fell into a category of duties, mainly done for others. They didn't seem to have much to do with me.

 

[ihateusernames]

It probably differs based on your individual situation, Stenni. I see things like brushing my teeth and cleaning the kitchen as being for others, too, so I never stop doing them. Things like brushing my own hair or wearing decent clothes or getting proper rest or eating things with some nutritional value are things I feel are exclusively for me. Those are the things that get hard to bother with. If I lived alone, for instance, the things that I do that benefit others would probably fall by the wayside, too.