Self Care, Why Is It So Hard

[Melp283]

Talked about this with my T, and she was absolutely sure that this related to neglect as opposed to my trauma. She suggested a self care checklist as well. So I went home and came up with this:

Is it similar to what you all have?

 

[Sandstone]

I've just realised that one of my barriers is the free brain time self care activities create. I spend most of my time actively online or doing puzzles, with the TV on to fill any possible thought time. When I clean my teeth, or go to the loo, or do my hair there is time to think abut things I need to keep blocked out.

This is a family technique, I realise. My sibling would never go anywhere without at least two complex books to read. Never, ever risk being ambushed by what is in your head.

I suppose tis is where the discipline of Mindfulness would come in, if only I could get to grips with it. And I suppose that is why I feel so very uncomfortable with it, too.

 

[Go Hungry]

@Melp283 That's a really neat list. Did you get it from somewhere, or make it yourself? :)

 

[Melp283]

I made my list after looking up activities of daily living and branching out from there :)

 

[Changing4Best]

I remember the winter before this last one we just got through, I used to bathe with baby wipes. I washed my hair in the kitchen sink. I had my heat turned down, so I didn't want to get too wet because I would feel really cold.

This winter, I just turned my heat up and took showers (washing my hair in the shower too). That was more expensive, but it sure was a lot better in so many ways. I hate feeling cold, so as well, I had spent a lot of time last winter under a heavy blanket in my recliner chair. This winter I was much more active and outgoing, which helped me not to feel so depressed.

I am hoping I can afford to keep my heat up next winter, as doing what I did that previous winter was detrimental to my mental and physical health! (I didn't get hardly any exercise).

Speaking of exercise, I go to our local Senior Center where we have an exercise program which consists of a half hour of various kinds of mild exercises that are designed for folks over 60 yrs of age. I also go out for walks.

I do my laundry on Saturdays, when the Senior Center is closed and this way I get out of the house a bit and socialize on Saturdays too, because a lot of other folks do their laundry that day too.

Sundays I always go to church. I sing in the choir, so I am missed if I am not there. Then after church, we all go out to lunch, and socialize there too. Socialization is a very important part of self care. Being a lone to much is not good for one's mental health!

I do like that HALT list. I will try to keep that in mind every day from now on.

 

[Senecia]

I'm super bad about self care at times. I've been getting better about it lately. I feel gross when I don't brush my teeth for a day or shower for a few, but I'm improving. That's all that matters I suppose. Good job on the checklist.

 

[Teasel]

I'm so glad you started this topic, great to read some of the tips here, I always need a reminder about this - it always goes (mostly) to post each time I get knocked...

One thing I remember helps me is to have a checklist written in very posisitve terms. So instead of cleaning I'll say make something look beautiful!
Instead of exercise, strengthen your body, or just move.

This is because of my particular issues - there's a part of me an inner child I guess, who is so angry and refuses to act like everything is fine when it isn't. My parents always made it very obvious that it was important to them that I perform well - so as to reflect well on them, even though they didn't give **** about how I actually was.

So even now I regularly find myself rebelling against things that are "good" for me

And whilst it's frustrating I can so get why the inner child is so angry...

 

[anonymous]

I know that for me, a part of it is definitely that I wasn't taught how to take care of myself. Ok so this is going to be uber embarrassing so I will be posting as Anon!

My parents weren't neglectful in the universal sense. We lived a comfortable middle class life, always had money for food and clothes and activities and whatever else we needed. But....

I never had a sense of self care instilled in me, and to that effect, it was neglectful. (Although I wouldn't say that in a "lets go call social services" sense as people call them for all sorts of BS these days that ISN'T neglectful.)

So I wasn't taught things like brush your teeth twice a day, have a routine before bed (ie cleaning up, etc), or other basic care things. My mom has MDD and didn't care about certain things... I remember being a teenager in middle school and all the other girls had certain things....ahem.....taken care of by their moms, but I didn't.....I didn't get my first bra until I was a size B/C....talk about embarrassing! She was never the type of mom to help me with anything feminine.....not shaving my legs, not stuff about my time of the month, not even basic care or makeup stuff, or even really clothing. I always felt like I was the daughter she never really wanted because I wasn't uber feminine like my little sister. I always hated how my lil sis got all those things and more. It made me feel deficient.

Ok, so enough of that....but yes, my lack of self-care definitely is in part the fault of not having this instilled in me as a child. My parents didn't "care" then so I don't have great "self-care" now.

But, I'm working on it.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have a rule that I cannot leave the house without brushing my teeth. Since I go out most days, this works well.

 

[Eleanor]

there's a part of me an inner child I guess, who is so angry and refuses to act like everything is fine when it isn't.

Thank you for saying this. I expect this is part of what is going on with me too.... It just feels like... that kind of heels dug in resistance and I'm going to revise the list to be more positive.

My parents weren't neglectful in the universal sense. We lived a comfortable middle class life, always had money for food and clothes and activities and whatever else we needed. But....

I never had a sense of self care instilled in me, and to that effect, it was neglectful. (Although I wouldn't say that in a "lets go call social services" sense as people call them for all sorts of BS these days that ISN'T neglectful.)

I could say much the same. My mom just kind of disappeared all things having to do with female bodies. I just wanted to say that pervasive neglect of the basics of self care is a form of abuse. I am not totally comfortable putting it in the same categories as physically abusive actions, but... it is clearly damaging, it is just harder to SEE it because it is not about what DID happen but what DIDN"T happen. It doesn't seem like it would be very helpful to put it on social services list, but ... it would be a better world if someone noticed this stuff and tried to help parents do a better job, or at least set up something for the kid to fill in the gaps.

 

[Eleanor]

Jonice Webb in "Running on Empty: Healing your emotional neglect" Offers a list of how to address lack of self care due to neglect.

1) Putting yourself first
2) Eating
3) Exercising
4) Rest and Relaxation

She says do these in order and only one at a time. Putting yourself first is all about managing your energy (or spoons if you think in those terms, which I do) You must practice saying "No," and also asking for help, and discovering your likes and dislikes.

I'll do more when we can all do that much. :rolleyes::roflmao::confused:
:D:nailbiting:

 

[Changing4Best]

Actually, when an elderly person does not do self-care at all, Social Services can be called in to help them, if they would like, I think, but I'm not sure. I have someone who comes to help me from Social Services. She takes me to the store to by my groceries, as I have no car. She helps me to clean my house a bit, not deep cleaning, just basics. When I had just gotten out of the hospital and was unable to do my own shopping, she did that for me too. I don't know if she could help me with self-care or not. I think she could help me in the shower if I needed, like to wash my hair and so on.