Childhood Self Image And Childhood Trauma

[SeanCharles]

I have a huge 'AH HA!' here...

While I have several things that affect my PTSD, my self image/esteem was truly damaged by verbal abuse in childhood. I do not see myself as others see me. At my best of times, I can walk around internally confident. At my worst, I can't even look at myself. Things my father had said to me in my childhood have affected me so much that it has shaped how I see myself.

For me here, I seem to remember in my case that my 'mom' was verbally abusive, and emotionally and mentally abusive also. I do know that she has in her first marriage was always the breadwinner, No matter what the situation was, where we ended up, she would always manage to provide where my father was unable to because of his addictions.

Looking at my bio father today, and the healing he has found has had a profound change on him over time. He's found a wife who is disabled and he is her caregiver. He has converted himself in his beliefs too which made him realize his past mistakes. Much of what I know was from a visit my younger sister had with him.

He is a different person now and when I am healthy, I truly believe, if he even remembers the words, he is sorry. On my worst day, my mind believes he was right.
I talk to him all the time and he asked to come see me. I've been home for several weeks and my family has been here for me, but quite frankly, visits take a lot out of me. I am physically and mentally exhausted.
My father's pending visit has given me a lot of anxiety. Mostly because I do not look well and knowing that he will see that will trigger my self image anxiety.
Have I ever told him how he hurt me? No, I haven't. My therapist knows. I won't tell him now as he has heart and health problems. It won't help and will only hurt both of us.
My mind says this isn't the biggest problem in the world and I should just get over it. My mind is just as mean to me as he used to be.

:cry:

Hmmm... Now I am asking myself why I quoted this... What stands out for me here and maybe I am beginning to maybe think that I need to go see him and his new wife (as a solo trip), so he, like I did with this last trip allowed me to meet with people who are very near and dear to me got to see the adult me rather than forever seeing the teenaged me. (hopefully this makes sense as I am quite overcome with emotion as I fighting to write this response.

I need to do some thinking and planning on this. So I am ending this here...