Self injury - my secret monster. is it yours?

[Lotis]

Self-Injury.

I have held this shameful secret for more then 20 years. Just writing that makes me want to break down and cry in embarrassment and shame.

When I was first discovered - therapists told my mother I would "grow out of it". Many therapists said it was attention seeking behavior and to ignore it. I always figured myself, that I would one day stop - somehow I would not need the behavior anymore or I would grow to love my body and not abuse it.

However, through the years it has only grown stronger and not that I have become to rely on it but it is still there like a monster inside of me when an ugly flashback torments me or body memories become too much to bare. I always thought i'd be "cured" by now and this torment would have ended years ago. But I was so so wrong. Have I been lying to myself all along and this is just another symptom I have to deal with? Maybe I am doomed to forever be this way.

No one really understands it but me and I hate it.

SI - has made me lie to those I love. It has made me feel embarrassed. It has made me feel less than in life; a defective part of me caused by years of abuse by others. I have been told it's my choice to SI and I can always choose not to do it - those who say that are the people who do not understand me or SI.

I have always wanted to ask others but have been afraid to admit my years of SI to anyone and afraid of the answers I might receive. Today I want to ask and I want to know. I also want to stop - I always have wanted to stop.

So let me ask, for those that have or do SI how long has it been with you? For those that have stopped what made you stop? What helped you and how long did it take?

Thanks for reading.
~L

 

[kona355]

@Lotis

SI has been a part of my life since a teenager. It's a part of the abuse I went through, a coping mechanism to deal with hopelessness, despair, fear and pain. To keep SI from progressing to action I had to change my thoughts from self-hate to understanding violence against me as a child causes the depression that plagues me.

It is a sometimes slow process, but begins with daring to believe you can change your mindset, the perceptions you have about your value or worth as a person. You can change this, and you're worth the effort. The fact you recognize the need and desire to heal is evidence of goodness in you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So let me ask, for those that have or do SI how long has it been with you?

Since I was 7, Im now 35 and havent stopped fully.

What helped you and how long did it take?

I was helped for a long time by holding ice cubes. It stings really bad but doesnt physically hurt you.

That stopped working for me as I was after more pain and the actual physical presence of blood but it helps MANY people.

The goal is the not just stop this behavior as its your copping mechinsim but to find out why you do it and help that and as its a byproduct of that, you will see that you will need self injury less and less until it just never enters your mind. The goal, in reality, is to gain and deploy better coping skills.

My therapist has never asked me to stop but i did for about 6 months-ish now. Its entered my mind recently but i havent caved to it yet. Its doable you just need to work on gaining and hsing other coping skills.

Hope this helps some.

I didnt read, do you have a therapist? If so, if advise them about the SI'ing and if not then id try to obtain one as you are SI'ing for a reason.

Much :hug:s if you accept!

 

[Lotis]

I was helped for a long time by holding ice cubes. It stings really bad but doesnt physically hurt you.

Yep I know all about the ice cubes....never really helped me much since my SI was never about the immediate pain. My SI is about so many things but one is punishment and deserving to be hurt, not taking care of the wounds afterwards etc.
I did have a therapist for 10 years and we were working on the SI amongst other things- the SI happened less and less because we were working through why and the triggers and what to do etc. It is not as bad as it was let's say 5 years ago but it still is present in my life. There is a whole thread about my therapists and what happened - so I won't go into that here. I am starting the process of finding a new one - which is not easy.
I like you started when I was younger - 8 years old and then full on cutting at 11.
I always thought I would be done with it by now.

The goal is the not just stop this behavior as its your copping mechinsim but to find out why you do it a

I know why to an extent but I was not able to get through it before my therapy ended abruptly.

Hope this helps some.

It does help to know that I am not the only one in the entire world who has SI'ed for this long. It makes me feel a little less like a freak and an alien!
:hug:
~L

 

[sun seeker]

I have been told it's my choice to SI and I can always choose not to do it - those who say that are the people who do not understand me or SI.

I'll second that one. They don't know what they're talking about.

I also don't buy the "attention seeking" bit. If you wanted attention, there are easier ways to get it. If the only way you know to express your pain is to hurt yourself, well, that deserves attention, don't you think? If you didn't need to do it, you wouldn't be. Hopefully you can find better ways to cope, but if you had them, you'd be using them already, right?

So let me ask, for those that have or do SI how long has it been with you? For those that have stopped what made you stop? What helped you and how long did it take?

I've gone through different stages with it so hard to answer this. It's been off and on for most of my life, with long gaps and different methods at different times. Recently, it's pretty bad again. As I just wrote in answer to another thread, I have strategies that work up to a point, but when things get really, really bad for me, nothing is (yet) enough.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My SI is about so many things but one is punishment and deserving to be hurt, not taking care of the wounds afterwards etc.

So is mine, thats why ice cubes stopped working. Being that it was essentially punishment, it eventually wasnt enough pain and I couldnt make it hurt any worse as id do it until my hand was 100% numb.

I also don't buy the "attention seeking" bit.

Me either. In no way is self injury done by anyone attention seeking and im super suprised so many therapists said that. Theu should know better!

I am starting the process of finding a new one

Good! And im sorry they were so horrible! :hug:

 

[Nessa7]

It really started when I was 18, but I think it might have been an issue when I was a child that stopped briefly while I was in high school. My memory is too fuzzy for me to really be able to say for sure.

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson helped me feel much more understood. I'll read a chapter when I am having a very difficult day and it helps.

 

[joeylittle]

Self-injury is attention seeking when the person hurting themselves is making a gesture towards suicide; at that point, it's more properly termed parasuicidal behavior. Self-harm, the way we tend to think about it (and the way the OP is referring to it) is generally a hidden behavior; the individual goes to great lengths to keep it hidden, and they experience shame as a result of the harming. Parasuicidal cutters make less effective attempts to hide their injuries. And the phrase 'attention seeking' is mistakenly used pejoratively - I always get sad about that. It's a real cry for help, and should never be brushed off.

I've done both. I was a parasuicidal cutter for awhile in high school; like most people who do that, I didn't think that I was looking for attention - but I was feeling a kind of desperation that I didn't know how to express, and re-injuring myself seemed like the only way to express it. It's a complicated thing.

In the middle of my life, I had a lot of anger at my body and would burn myself on my torso, abdomen, and breasts. I think this might have been a little bit of trauma reenactment, not sure. But I was also big on not letting the blisters heal, so probably there was some desire for scarification as well. Always kept it hidden, and they do fade over time on their own.

I had a big gap, and then engaged in cutting again shortly before my PTSD diagnosis. I was specifically going for the physical act of destroying myself. Deep cuts, big jagged wounds, no attempt at proper bandaging to minimize scarring - I made sure they never got infected, but kept them wide and ugly. I wanted to cut my face, but always re-directed to my arms, because they were the easiest to take care of afterwards and easy to hide (so I thought - it's become really challenging to keep them covered in the summer).

For those that have stopped what made you stop? What helped you and how long did it take?

What made me stop? Coming to an understanding that it was never going to be enough. By continuing to engage in it, I was only postponing the inevitable - that I would need to slice apart my whole body in order to be really satisfied, and that I didn't actually want to do that to myself. That even though I believed I was careful and had the medical risk side of it under control, that it was only a matter of time before I screwed up and got an infection, and the consequences of that would be beyond what I was ready to cope with.

What helped me was making a very clear deal with myself about how I would respond to those urges. I had a plan, and it took a lot of experimentation to really get it right, but it worked for me. While I was getting that piece in place, my therapist made himself available for crisis calls if I was not successfully managing it.

Here's a link to my own plan, and a related thread - Redirecting Self Harm It worked for me specifically because it wasn't about trying to achieve my cutting goal in some substitute pain way (like the rubber bands, or ice cubes) or experiential way (marker cuts, or using a pen to scratch deep into a stack of paper) - it helped because it was about re-setting my central nervous system, and then getting back on track.

I think you'll need to experiment with what really works for you. Also, think more about what you might really be trying to accomplish when you cut. Is it endorphins? Is it punishment? On some level, are you escalating towards wanting to be called out on it? (That's not uncommon, and don't judge yourself for it). Are you ever thinking that it's a way of 'practicing' suicide? How much is about dealing with the wound after - what kind of energy do you put into that, and what might be driving it?

And, you'll need to be able to articulate what is at stake for you, why you are choosing to stop. That will help, too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I had a big gap, and then engaged in cutting again shortly before my PTSD diagnosis. I was specifically going for the physical act of destroying myself. Deep cuts, big jagged wounds, no attempt at proper bandaging to minimize scarring - I made sure they never got infected, but kept them wide and ugly. I wanted to cut my face, but always re-directed to my arms, because they were the easiest to take care of afterwards and easy to hide

This describes my cutting behavior. I always want to go deeper, wider, as many in an attempt to make it wider and deeper. I generally cut over and over in one place.

I have never had a time on which I didnt hide it. I went and go to great lengths to hide it.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've struggled with this for so many years - since I was a teen.

I know that today there is a "fad" of sorts in terms of self-injury. Some try it for attention. But those who are after attention usually give up pretty quickly, and even they need help because something is obviously wrong. From my understanding, it is actually clinically much, much scarier when self-injury isn't for attention. More risk of harm, more risk of that person not seeking help if they need it.

You're not alone. I wish I could tell you how to fix it, but I'm still working on that one.

 

[Panda Bear]

SI has been new for me, it's not blown up fully yet....

About a year ago, in therapy when stressed and discussing trauma, I've come to digging my my fingernails into the back of my head and doing it as hard as possible. It is the intent to make the pain I'm feeling stop!! When I do it, it makes me feel better. Last session T reminded me not to crack my skull. He lets me do it, but has only asked me once to show him my hands.

It's not the same as you guys...but I can't stop and my intent is to alleviate pain I think I'm feeling.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

in therapy when stressed and discussing trauma, I've come to digging my my fingernails into the back of my head and doing it as hard as possible.

I squeeze my hands super hard to dig my fingernails into my hands. It looks like im just making a tight fist, so it is still hiding it as no one knows what im doing. It doesnt make the blood im usually after but it hurts.

My therapist knows as he pointed it out when i first did it. I do it unconsciencely in there. Its one of the things about my body langaugae that sort of guides him in conversation.