Self injury

[brokenchild]

I started cutting when I was 14, though I was self injuring in other ways long before that. At first, I was cutting to release emotions I didn't know how to express, but it soon became a way of punishing myself as well. When I do it for emotional reasons, it doesn't hurt. But, normally, when I do it for punishments, it does hurt.

Also, when it's for a release and not punishment, I normally feel as if there is a "right" place that I need to cut. I normally only cut arms and ankles and sometimes I will get a strong urge to cut my left arm for example, and thinking about cutting my ankle just doesn't seem like it will release what I need released.

I had not self injured in almost 10 years, but did about 3 times a couple months ago. Now that the weather is getting colder here, I wonder if I will start doing it more frequently again so it will be easier to hide.

How do you get through the urges? Does anyone else gut urges to only cut a certain place?

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Brokenchild.
I've never been a 'cutter', but had vomited for many years. It was only a few months ago that my T. said to me it was a form of self-harm. I had never recognised it as that. I had a session of EMDR specifically to tackle it, and after many years of vomiting several times a week, have now only done it 3 times since. Each time has been triggered by a specific high stress level so now I know what to look out for to try and prevent it. Like with your cutting, it is THE URGE to do it that is worst, and the knowledge that there will be a feeling of blessed relief afterwards. The EMDR has reduced the urges big time so I don't feel that I am constantly fighting.

 

[Nyx]

I used to cut in high school but I just stopped. I don't know what happened that made me stop. But I think Brucielucy has a point: try to understand what exactly takes you to the point where you have these urges. Understand the triggers, you responses, and work with that, try to avoid those certain things.

I stop eating when I'm stressed, but I don't do it on a conscious level. I just forget to eat. So I have put up reminders, I asked my colleagues at work to remind me to go to lunch, etc. But avoiding getting there is better. I know what triggers me to stop eating: being afraid that I can't handle the workload I have taken, or feeling compelled to prove myself to others. I am working on changing my first response to stop myself from getting into these situations in the first place, but until I do I just ask for help. I know it's a different situation, but maybe you can ask for help too, a hot line maybe, a friend?

 

[brokenchild]

Brucielucy - I think the knowledge that I will feel so much better afterward is the hardest reason to fight it off. If it didn't make me feel better, it wouldn't serve nearly as much as a purpose.

Nyx - I stopped for a long time, but then again I went to starving myself instead. It seems I've always done something self destructive in order to cope.

I don't really have any friends to talk to except my dad. I just don't like talking to him because I know it pains him when I am in so much pain. I don't want to hurt him just because I'm messed up.

I did manage to get through last night without doing anything, so I guess that's good.

 

[Nyx]

It's not just good, it's great! I'm glad to hear you fought it and I'm sure you'll be able to do it from now on too. Cling to the thought that you managed not to do it so many times and you can continue to not do it.

We all do some things that are not good for us just so that we feel we are in control again. Even though we really are not, we feel we are. I'm sorry you're fighting this and I wish I could give you advice on this... I can't, but I can tell you that I think you are strong enough to get over the urges. Just look at last night :hug:

 

[lilstar]

I find that when I'm punishing myself I cut on my stomach, but if I'm cutting because I'm hurting I tend to go for my arms.
I find the urges unbearable at times but I'm trying real hard not to give in to them.

 

[brokenchild]

May Trigger

I don't know what to do tonight. I am not doing well. My mind is not in a positive psychological place tonight. I just took a shower and wanted to cut so badly. I looked around the bathroom but didn't see anything to cut with. I don't know if I can get through tonight without doing something. I'm not sure I want to.

I'm sorry.

 

[cherryblossom]

Brokenchild, can I suggest you call a crisis line, or a friend or family member? An online forum such as this cannot really give you the right type of support during times of crisis. I mean that most sincerely.
Please take care of yourself.

 

[brokenchild]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have posted my last post. I know this isn't the place for things like that.

I'm sorry.

 

[krystina]

I don't think I will read anymore of the self harm forum because it makes me realize that i am feeling bad and then
the option comes and that is when I know i will choose wrong.

 

[Nyx]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have posted my last post. I know this isn't the place for things like that.

I'm sorry.

It's not about you posting here, it's just that we are not always online. And at times of crisis you need someone there. This is why CB was suggesting a crisis line, not so you don't post anymore. It helps to share and you are free to share anytime and anything. It's just that first of all we are not professionals and we can't guarantee we can help you, and second of all, we are not always online to support you in a moment of crisis. Please don't blame yourself for writing here, CB was just suggesting a more powerful tool to help you in you most awful moments.

Hope you got through the night well :hug:

 

[Nyx]

I don't think I will read anymore of the self harm forum because it makes me realize that i am feeling bad and then
the option comes and that is when I know i will choose wrong.

That's a wise decision, Krystina. There are other ways to cope - I'm not saying this to dismiss the pain or feelings of the ones who do SH, I'm just saying it in hope that it doesn't happen again or to other people. I'm sorry you are struggling with this, but I know you are fighters and you will have it under control eventually!