Self love is hard for me.

[SunsetDawn83]

I've no idea where to post this so I'll do it here. Is it classed as financial abuse if I'm not allowed access to my money when I want too?? I get carers on a Monday and I'm not "allowed" to go out with it and im forced to stay in.
I mean I'm not "allowed" to go to town by myself. I'm so sick of been told what I can and can't do at nearly 39.

 

[SunsetDawn83]

I don't want to be here anymore but I dont want to harm myself. In so tired of being abused all my 30+ years. I don't have any family support. I'm so alone in this. I want an out.


Luckily my first therapist appointment is in 3 weeks.

 

[Dynamic]

Hey...I'm sorry you're going through this right now. 3 weeks is good. I remember waiting for my first session. I had to keep myself busy with good things. Are you able to find something to enjoy? For yourself? Please ignore if not helpful.

 

[SunsetDawn83]

I often wonder if my family knew I was been abused and neglected as a child and the fact they just didn't care or if they genuinely didn't know. Maybe this why they don't talk to me or maybe they don't believe me.
Either way, it hurts knowing they didn't know I needed help. I wanted an escape, I am still an escape from my life.

I hate myself, I hate my thoughts, I hate my life.
I scratched my arm sore but I felt nothing. I'm physically and emotionally numb I don't feel anything.
I can't cry. I just mindlessly scroll on IG/Twitter all day just to try and escape. I don't feel anything but contempt and worthlessness and stupidity towards myself.

 

[SunsetDawn83]

I don't know if I'm more angry or upset. I told my sister about my diagnosis on Monday and since then she's been blatantly ignoring me. Wish I hadn't told her told. Wish I hadn't got my hopes up that she's talking to me again.

 

[SunsetDawn83]

Dear diary, please explain to me that as a 38 year old, that I've spent 20 minutes crying over a tv fictional character that passed. I know I've not finished crying over it yet. This could last me days

 

[SunsetDawn83]

Dear diary, I wonder if it's in my best interest to leave the forum. I'm currently halfway through CBT and I've not been officially diagnosed with PTSD. I'm certain I've cptsd and there's no help for CPTSD in the UK. I do feel the forum helps me but I shouldn't be here if I haven't been formally diagnosed. But I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I've been on and off medication for 18 years.