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Self love is hard for me.

Dear Diary,

Who am I to myself!!
I don't see myself as anything. I don't particularly care about myself, I don't give myself the self-love and the self-care that I deserve instead I treat myself with negative thoughts and contempt. I've no sense of who I am and it's so lonely being alone in this, I'm trying to find myself but it's so hard. No family to talk to as they just think I'm extremely lazy. Telling them about my probable diagnosis of PTSD is nerve-wracking and scary but on the other hand why should I tell them, they don't care about me, they only care that my home is clean.
Dear diary, its hard to explain this but I heard it somewhere if your hear your name been called when there's no one around that a sign of trauma. Well I near enough hear my mum and dad constantly shouting at me and for me in my head. I can even tell you the situation I see myself in when I hear her. I've constant headaches trying to keep these thoughts at bay but I feel so emotionless, I don't really feel anything when there's good things or bad things happening.

The last time I proper cried was last September when my cat passed away. I never got the hugs when I was growing up of my dad, I had to cry and comfort myself, and I still do this now I don't want to bother people when im feeling strong emotions such as sadness/anger.
Dear diary,
I don't feel anything, I'm feeling so emotionless and everything I do feel is on autopilot. I feel so empty inside, I've my mum's voice shouting my name constantly. I'm so tired and exhausted of this constant state of hypervigilance and hyperarousal that I've constant headaches and aches and pains.S*** H*** is the only way that I feel something. I can laugh and o can cry but I feel so empty inside.
Hi just want to say I've felt the things you're writing about and I know how indescribable it can be sometimes.

Here for you. You're doing great processing from what I can see. Hang in there. It gets better.
It's where I stop punishing myself, and treat myself like anyone else who is a human being and has fundamental needs that need to be met.
This seems important. Thank you for writing it.
and it's so lonely being alone in this,
Yes. You are not alone anymore when you are here. Keep going. We are all struggling together to find a sense of safety and connection. Glad you are here, glad you are trying.
Dear diary,
On the "good" days which are few are far between I feel like I can do anything but In "bad"days like these I feel so worthless and I shut myself away like I did when I was a child. I'm even scared to tell my mum I'm thinking of doing a college course next year cos I know I won't get the support from her.

I'm just so tired of this.

I can't tell my family about my therapy even though they know I've applied for it.

I love learning about math but there's a niggling voice in my head saying " why bother, you won't pass" you're too thick".

My inner child is crying, kicking and screaming I don't know how to help her.

I need help.
I just want to be loved.
I just want people to believe me