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Self love is hard for me.

Dear diary, it's not fair. All my family/friends, are living their best life, getting married, getting a job ,going on days out and adventures and here's me like a hermit. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it really does. I'm tired of been left behind. I wish I wasn't here.
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Dear diary, feel better than I have done these last few days, it's just the tiredness and the inability to feel rested on the morning. I've been suffering from my impacted tooth for a few days and the pain is worsening. I've also been feeling very angry towards others and especially to myself for being so angry.
Dear diary, another ok day, my tooth has been hurting. For some reason atm I feel all panicky and on edge and that's causing me palpitations. I'm trying to relax and do a hobby but its not really working.
Dear diary, my mum has and still is horrible towards and verbally abuses me (idiot/misery )are the common names. It still bothers me after all these years. I mean if I am a "misery" im only taking after her sometimes nasty attitude towards me. I can't do a house chore without her moaning at me. Doesn't help though that im her fulltime unpaid carer and I still live at home with her.
Dear diary, things are still the same here and for the foreseeable future.
People make it sound so easy when it comes to my mum. They say things like "just tell her" "don't let her dictate you" and I feel like saying it's NOT THAT EASY, you haven't had 30+ years old been worn down to nothing , and/is been verbally and mentally abused by both parents. You don't know what its like with her on a daily basis. You don't see the way she speaks to me. If it was really that "'easy' I would have done it years ago. At 38 I still get verbally and mentally abused by mum.
Dear diary, so having been to the dentist today I've another reason why I hate myself. My broken tooth can't be fixed and I need to get a fake tooth attached to my denture plate. Yes, I'm 38 with a dentures.
Dear diary, I've been thinking or over thinking about myself.
There's not one thing I like about myself physically, I've had 13 of my teeth removed so I'm self conscious about smiling, eating and talking
I feel worthless of friendship cos all I do is talk about how I'm struggling. I wish I could see what other people see in me. All I see is a worthless no teeth short and ugly human being. I want to love myself like I love others.
I have problems smiling aswell. My two front teeth are false and too long bcos I smashed them when I was younger. Also some of my teeth are stained. I'm lacking in confidence about myself.
I have a metal partial dentures and was in repair recently...think it was a year of work. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I got through this stuff and know you can too.

You aren't alone.
Dear diary, it's been a few weeks since i last posted here and I've been really struggling with my life. My mums hearing is getting worse but she won't wear her hearing aid. My other half going away for a week so ill be left alone with her, but I don't have a choice not to cope as she won't accept outside help. Feel like my life is constantly been on a roundabout and I can't get off. I need some time to myself and bedtime is the only time I get it.
Dear diary, a few things have been on my mond these past few days/weeks/month.

1) I'd love to be a mum but if I do I'll be classed a "geriatric" what an awful term for a older mum. But I'm glad I'm not cos I wouldn't want my child to suffer due to my mental health and personal life.

2) I'm looking forward to having the bed tk myself but I'm going to struggle to sleep whilst my other half is away.

3) Why have I stopped doing my daily exercises and gone back to comfort eating!!!

4) Glad I got my eye tested and finally cleared my mind of a couple of worries I had.

5) I've still not heard anything about my referral in September, hopefully, I'll hear something before Christmas.

6) I've missed doing my daily journal and self care, but I'm back at it....for now.

I think that's it's, if there's anything else I've forgotten.
DD, it's been a few weeks since my last post here, I don't seem to be struggling as much now, I still have the symptoms of C-PTSD but now im learning to handle my triggers instead of my triggers ruling me. Im hoping this lasts. I don't know why now im beginning on the road to recovery. It's going to be a very long road hopefully with help abound