Relationship Self Medicating? Need Insight.

[BusyBee]

He initiated conversation yesterday and we finally met up. It was so wonderful to catch up, I was so thankful. I could tell he had missed me. Part of me feels he was worried I was going to reject seeing him because he's been fairly MIA, so was relieved, greeted me with a warm hug when I arrived.

He's been out of the state visiting his folks. Prior to this, he's been in a hole for about 3 weeks (total). Anyway, when I arrived he had drank an entire bottle of wine to himself already. He wasn't drunk, but I know this was to calm his stress and nerves (in the past I've seen evidence of this or we have share one over a date). He said it felt good to be back, admitted to being anxious and depressed when he sees his folks even though he does enjoy seeing them--but said it gets to be too much. He had been there for 5 days for Christmas.

When I walked into the kitchen there was a line of cocaine on the table. He recently took a new job with other veterans, and they hada rambunctious night when the guys' wives were gone...Which included their first time doing cocaine. They just 'wanted to try it for kicks', and I can't be one to judge but I expressed my distaste toward the action...I've used it and many other drugs recreationally (extensively) when I was younger. He knows this. Even if we didn't know each other back then, I've been open with him. So, I made a comment about the line, grabbed his wrist for pulse, looked into his eyes and knew. He saw my concern and said "I can't believe you're judging me. I only did a line, it's only my third time ever. And it's been weeks since the last time. " I asked him if it was the same batch from the guys night and he said yes. "I don't know where to get this stuff, it's just the leftover." Then went on to say he doesn't have an addiction, it just was a way to keep him awake while I was over, he admitted to having a hard time sleeping while at his folks...blah blah.

And I'm concerned OBVIOUSLY. He may have drank here and there in the past (though for the record I've never ever seen him drunk, he's really controlled around me)...but this was a huge red flag.

Through the night he talked briefly about some stressors. Work changes, his parents visit, his truck being broken down and needing repair, his financial situation...recent political things I feel have triggered him too. Is this WHY? I don't understand where this is coming from.

Part of me feels like he was also nervous to see me. That while I contribute joy to his life, Im also a stressor because I make him feel vulnerable...

Anyone have experience with this? Is there anything I CAN or should do? Help!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, I am a sufferer.

I think that its important to realize that for most of us sufferers, a relationship brings stress to our lives. I wouldn't use this alone as a reason to leave him.

However, I think that the cocaine issue is a big one. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to get him to stop. He must want to stop on his own. Its a bit of a concern that he's having financial difficulties and turning toward cocaine. Last I checked, this stuff wasn't exactly cheap. I hope that he doesn't ramp up his use as it could put him into an even bigger financial bind. What matters most is what you find acceptable and unacceptable within a relationship. If hard drug use is a no-no for you, then there is nothing wrong with you walking out the door. Please don't fall into the trap of needing to save him, as he is the one who must do most of the work while you are there to support him (that is, if that's what you choose to do).

I wish you the best.

 

[Friday]

Yeah... That's self medicating in a big way. I'm about as concerned for him as it gets.

A lot of us come out of the service as adrenaline junkies (please pass the motorcycle). What stimulants do is give us that calming/clarifying rush... While we're seated & look otherwise relaxed. Been there, and done that.

There are healthy & unhealthy ways to get that rush. Using drugs (cocaine & meth, along with all the designer uppers) is right up there on the danger scale as free-climbing, doubling & tripling the speed limit, hopping from bed to bed, bar fights, knife-hunting, you name it. It's seriously edgy / risky behavior. Then drugs have the added risk of addiction on top of it, which complicates PTSD treatment, a ton. But any/all of these behaviors are huge flashing red warning signs & sirens of either being off the rails, or damn close to coming off of them.

For the simple reason that when it takes that level of risk to wake up & calm down? When normal outlets don't do it anymore? Sigh. It's a bad, bad sign for how severe he's doing under the surface.

Healthy versions of that adrenaline rush include things like sports, martial arts, running, swimming, climbing (with ropes!), sex (not indiscriminately). Things that you can do daily, and that improve your health and outlook. Not things that tear your body to shreds and put your life at risk every time you dive in. Not things that kill you in order to feel alive.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I used meth daily in high school. I've never used cocaine. I know for sure that I was self medicating and then whack you're addicted. He has a lot of stress. Unfortunately he has a way of minimizing the extent of his involvement. I mean, those other guys are his buddies right? I hate to say that I foresee a difficult road ahead. I hope he tries to find healthier outlets like Friday mentioned. It's been forty years since I dabbled in drugs and no way would I consider using it-it was too wonderful at taking my psyche pain away. Arghghhhh I don't envy you, it's a hard situation

 

[BusyBee]

@Solara @KwanYingirl

Thank you. His stresses haven't pushed me away, and I don't have a plan to leave right now. I solely am concerned as I've never seen this side before. The PTSD rearing it's head? Oh yes, but not like this. It hurts me to see him trying to numb or get 'that rush'. I feel our communication has improved in leaps and bounds over the past few months, but as a result he's been pull/pushing more frequently. Likely another stress factor? Sigh. I hope whatever he's struggling with this month passes as we approach the New Year. When we were together laughing last night, holding hands and looking at each other--that's the man I want to see shine. This paranoid, self conscious, guilty, sad man breaks my heart.

 

[BusyBee]

@FridayJones
THANK YOU. Your description of him sitting "calm and collected" while relishing in adrenaline definitely sums it up.

Yeah, over the past year he was doing more fitness, but late this summer he hit a low when a business venture fell through. He's made small gains since Aka having a hard time recreating that steady fitness schedule...Which seems odd when for better part of a year he was obsessed. -_-; He did express interest in trying this week to get that back on track.

What exactly is knife hunting?
Irony that before I left he just had to show me the new knife he bought...?

Also how did you get through these moments?

 

[Kintsugi]

My main concern is that it doesn't sound like he is an experienced drug user, and going from no drugs to cocaine is hugely worrying to me. I have a lot of experience with substance use, so I know what it feels like when you want something more than you should more frequently than you should. Cocaine can be a hell of a slippery slope for someone who instantly enjoys the feelings it brings. On top of that, it's a risky drug to obtain, expensive, and addiction is pretty much as quick and easy as it gets even for a casual user.

I think you have every right to be concerned about him. My partner is an ex cocaine addict, and he knows that if he ever bought it twice in a month, I would flip out with concern for him and our relationship. I hate cocaine, and I find it a reckless recreation. Self-medicating with it? No, that is going way too far with something that is dangerous in manifold ways.

Edit to say: I would flip out about buying it twice in one month even if it were the only usage that year. This year has been cocaine free as was the last. I would still flip out if this month he bought some twice.

 

[BusyBee]

@Simply Simon you hit it on the nose. He definitely hasn't been a hard drug user prior to this. I mean maybe weed yeons ago, back in college but you got the idea. Which is why I expressed my concern.

I've seen my own friends suffer addiction when we were younger (some to the point of death or until we drifted too far apart). I know many of us veer off the path throughout life, it's easy to get distracted..but I have hope he will refocus and regain the course.