Self-mutilation!!

[KwanYingirl]

Hang in there @Tiger

 

[Tiger]

Thoughts best not thought of are in my head!! Rattling around inside!! I have caused myself problems from my last action and yet I am still pondering it!! I am not entirely sure why this is going on because I really frightened myself and I thought that that would stop the urges to want to do myself harm again! Deep in my heart I don't want to be who and what I am!! There is nothing anyone can do to help me with it because of my mental health issues!! I am stuck in this disgusting body!! How am I ever going to get passed this mountain??:arghh;

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Tiger you need help girl!!!! I read an article about addictions and compulsions originating in the limbic system of the brain-the fight, flight or freeze system. To get beyond the "light switch" triggering the unconscious compulsion, you have to retrain the brain. Have you checked out websites about self harm? Like what is the root of the behavior? You know if you can ward it off somehow. I wonder if EMDR would be useful for you. I'm trying to remember your home situation. Are you living alone or with abusers? Do you have a therapist that you see regularly and if so, do you tell them you're cutting? My compulsion to cut has all but disappeared since I started getting reiki.

You also wrote that you hate being you. You are inherently good and likable. Remember that all the negative cognitions us PTSDers have are trauma based and planted in us by our abusers. My wish for you is that you add more self soothing activities into your life. If money is tight, the Y gives reduced fees based on income. I used to go and just sit in the sauna. But exercise always elevates the mood too. If you can afford it, body energy work helps to improve our outlooks. It's going to take action on your part to change that loop tape playing in your mind. You deserve happiness and I know you can find it.

 

[Tiger]

I live alone and have done since I was 15 years old, but I do spend the odd weekend with my parents and 'He' lives with them!! It's very difficult because my parents don't believe he actually did anything wrong so when I'm there, I have to supress everything and grin and bear it!! It's like I have to be a completely different person until I get home and have to deal with all the crap on my own!! I don't have a therapist or a CPN, I do have a GP that I see now and then!! I have been trying to get some proper help, but as yet have not been successful!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

I can identify with you. I feel obligated to see my family to keep a family tie for my children. It's so ridiculous to fake life just for the looks of it. My therapist doesn't give attention to my cutting. He puts it in the more accurate self destructive aspect of my personality. Like if I resist cutting, then I switch to overusing meds or eating problems. Bottom line is there a part of us that we want to control and we have tremendous difficulty with emotion regulation.

Have you ever heard of Dialectic Behavioral Therapy? I have a workbook that I visit now and again to help resistance to the emotional overload. It's designed to be group therapy and skills practice. You go to a DBT group and also keep up with your therapist. My worke schedule prohibits my availability to go to group. I've read the text book on DBT. It's me in a nutshell..please if you have access to that. Do you have a lot free time?

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

Would it benefit you to not visit your parents anymore? It sounds like visiting there is distressing you

 

[Tiger]

I have attended DBT, but it was not helping me a lot, I found that it made me very anxious because I couldn't achieve the things that they expected from me and also what I expected from me!! Kind of setting myself to fail at something else as well as everything else!! It made me worse!!
I can't just stop visiting my parents because they are both aging and not in the best of health! I have a tremendous amount of guilt that I need to make up for before they are gone forever!! I have a very mixed bag of emotions and I know its probably very stupid and some of you may not understand why I do this and to be honest with you all, it's my punishment!! I'm sorry!! Maybe I am just beyond help, I totally get it if anyone here wants to give up on me now? Because I am close to doing exactly that too!!! :poop:

 

[KwanYingirl]

Please consider accepting the past for what it is-the past. And now you are reacting as if it is all still happening. Remember children who are abused have much difficulty with self esteem, safety, trust and intimacy. I believe you can overcome those challenges. You need guidance and support. Many many people know how you feel. Full of guilt thinking they deserve what happened to them. Seriously, put on your adult brain and you know a child is clueless, they take on the remarks of caretakers. You deserve to be free of those shackles. If you're feeling hopeless call your therapist or doctor or go to the ER. Be safe.

 

[Tiger]

In some ways (I'm not able to talk about!) somethings do still happen!! It's not over yet!! I know I'm an adult now and I do try to think like an adult, but the abuse back then, still feels if it was only yesterday no matter how old I get!!! It's all still very much in the forefront of my mind and it effects every minute of everyday!!

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

I have have a very mixed bag of emotions and I know its probably very stupid and some of you may not understand why I do this and to be honest with you all, it's my punishment!! I'm sorry!!

Why do you feel it's your punishment?

 

[xena21]

I thought that that would stop the urges to want to do myself harm again! Deep in my heart I don't want to be who and what I am!!

I know you don't think others can be like you, but we are. I can relate to the exact T. I always used to think I was on my own when it came to hurting myself. I thought it was just me that used to hurt myself in such unimaginable ways. Then I started to read more people's stories... People are hurt so badly. I hurt so badly. I hurt myself so badly on a regular basis that my hand has no regular use right now.

I don't intend for that to be my future, but that has been my life. I am supposed to go to work tomorrow but my arm is so badly swollen right now that I can't use it.

It's not you personally that are bad or any worse than anyone. Everyone has their coping mechanisms, and yours happens to be self harm. Some people drink until they pass out. Some people steal things or sleep around. You happen to hurt yourself. It doesn't make you bad. It just shows you were a victim, but you don't always have to be.

 

[Tiger]

I admire the fact that you can see a future for yourself!! I myself struggle with exactly that!! :cry: