Self Sabotage

[scott_1971_h]

I've always had a problem with sabotaging myself. In relationships things can be going along well and then I do something insane (and out of character) and it ends. If anything good happens, I can't seem to handle it. Do I have a subconscious death wish? Sometimes I think I do.

Scott

 

[revelry]

Scott,
I don't know you or your story, but I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I was fortunate though, I had good people around me, that believed in me and they used to ask me the same thing over and over again....'why do you keep shooting yourself in the foot???'
What they meant was... why did I keep screwing up all the good things that came my way? the answer is this...I knew how to 'deal with' and cope with dysfunction. I didn't know how to 'deal with' normal. when things became 'normal' I subconsciouly made it dysfunctional, because I could handle that...no problems at all. It took me a long time ( and I'm still working on it) but it's better, since I realized that.
I don't know if that helps, it's just what i've learned.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Yeah, only mine is not so subconscious. :eek:

 

[revelry]

OKEADLAK,
i can understand that.

 

[Abrasky]

My self sabotage stems from a sort of rebellion. My dad picked at me and said I couldn't fail. So I decided to fail and fail and fail, and I ended up getting a degree. When I allowed myself to fail I achieved. But then I had another trauma where my dad told me to rot. But my brain unfortunately thinks ok so I'm not allowed to rot, well I'll rot, if I'm not allowed to be dysfunctional... I'll be dysfunctional. Now they aren't working. It is not good to apply all forms of rebellion to everything my parents told me not to do. :O_o:

Sabatoage is my programming because it worked the first time time when my dad told me to fail.Sometimes I think sabotage is just my brains way of finding it's way out of a maze, because it worked the first time, but in a different maze it leads me into a trap not a way out.

'If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: outearn them, outlive them, and know more than they do.'Henry Rollins'

 

[Kintsugi]

I self-sabotage all the time and always realize a little too late. The relationship is not always broken, but a lot of things including my pride are. There is irreversible damage done. I will literally tell myself NOT to say something self-sabotaging over and over again, and then out it comes unbidden.

>.<

 

[Grama-Herc]

Self Sabotage is a way of life for me. I think I do it to myself before I fail. I was always told I was a failure, that I "could not" do something, was called a quitter and also told I would never amount to anything.. I know that if you say these things to a child often enough the child will come to believe the statements.

I also have the sense of "I will hurt you before you can hurt me". If I see the slightest hint of anger, doubt, lieing, cheating or any percieved hint of trouble in a relationship, I run--hard and fast--in the other direction making sure along the way that the person involved will not want to follow or try to find out what is wrong.

I've even pulled really stupid, dumb stuff at good jobs I had. Ending up only one way--I lost them. I would love to know what happened in my past that makes me think I do not deserve good things, why I won't let people get close to me.

Where do these twisted thinking patterns come from---not just mine but everyone who is having these types of issues. Surely the whole world does not feel or think this way. Fighting this is exhausting, very, very exhausting and most of the time futile for us to even try.

Where is our pill to manage this symptom? Seems there are pills to handle everything else people suffer from, why not this too? Personally, I have figurd out how to hanle these self sabotaging issues---isolation. This way IF I screw up no one will see and judge me and it also makes sure I don't ruin any relationships.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I know I already replied, but this is such a great topic. I think I also start to find things wrong with the other person in order to make it easier for me to leave them. I am leaving to get help and I am doing this now. I will miss my friends, so in a subconscious way I am starting to find things wrong with them all , and they are very nice and there is nothing wrong with them..........

 

[Sazza]

Just to say i to go through self sabotage episodes. Every time i am on the right track to achieving or doing well along kicks in the self sabotage, it can be anything from my yo yo weight issues to everyday things. Not really sure for me what its all about as its seems deep ingrained.

So you are not alone with this issue, think sometimes in life when bad things happen we feel we don't deserve good things maybe thats where the sabotage comes from. Obviously i don't know your background etc but just wanted to say alot of us can relate to sabotaging.

 

[reallydown]

Just to add to the chorus...I've become an expert in this...

 

[Béatrice]

I'm on the other side and what you write is precious to me.
I would like to know if something can be done to help. What would be the best behaviour to adopt as a friend?
I don't want to lose my friend; she doesn't really want to lose me either, and she said it. But some behaviours are pushing in the other direction, because when she acts that way, I feel like she wants to end it. So my defenses become maybe a bit similar to hers, and I say hurtful things as well.
At this point she ends it. I've been able to get her back every time, but I fear this way of relating can't go on forever. I have no intention to leave her, but I fear she will have to do it, because relating to me makes her literally sick, in spite of all the good things we have been sharing. And I think I'm overdoing with the good things, because I'm so afraid to lose her.
She can't talk about it with me; she says that she has to be unkind to me for incomprehensible reasons, reasons that I could never understand, and this fact alone makes her exhausted. She feels really bad about it, having to treat me that way. This friendship has been the most beautiful I've ever had, and the most devastating.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences and your feelings!

 

[Tinyflame]

Beatrice, I'm sorry, I'm at a loss: even with ptsd one doesn't normally (that I'm aware of) intentionally try to be unkind (especially to someone they care about or don't want to hurt).

Though I can relate to the 'getting sick' part.

Can only 'guess', maybe it serves to fuel guilt she already has, or she wants you to 'hate' her (lack of any other word) to let her go, or if (because) she has SI- possibly, for example?

Like anyone though, if hurtful things are said, it's just best to apologize- sounds like she forgives you, though can't see it being exactly your 'fault' if she's doing that to you.

Maybe she just has to become accustomed to seeing she can be treated with love or kindness and not regret it. Offchance, maybe she associates that with something (then) going terribly wrong, or (that) something will happen to you?

Please take care of yourself, sorry this isn't likely very helpful. :(
xox