Self Sabotage

[Béatrice]

Thank you Junebug. Talking about it is helpful! :)
Yes, it looks like it's intentional, but she says she "has to", she doesn't "want to". It may be a way of describing something which is "out of control", without wanting to admit it; I don't know. She's very "proud". She says that she can't apologise, because she doesn't do anything out of choice. Although she says she doesn't act out of emotion. But this may just be her way of seeing things. She's never had therapy. And never had long-lasting relationships.
I don't know what "SI-" is, sorry.
I apologise all the time, also when I don't know what I did. And I'm grateful that she can forgive me.
I read on Pete Walker's site that some people can't apologise because they can't accept imperfections in themselves.
Maybe they don't think that people can love them if they're not perfect. But recently she sort of apologised and I'm very touched. But then she disappeared.
I think my friend might have C-PTSD.
When she still accepted to talk about it, she said that she can't get attached to people because if she lost them, it would be like losing her whole world again (because of family history). I have no reason to leave her and it has never crossed my mind, and I say it.
She said that I have to be a "casual/more distant friend" and avoid "deep talks". But she managed to diminish me anyway. And bad things happened again.
Yes, maybe she always leaves people because as soon as she gets attached she starts to hurt them, saying bad things about them... Or people leave her as soon as she starts acting unkindly.
The thought of making her sick is unbearable. And I can't understand what this really means, although this is affecting me a lot and I don't feel so well either. She lives far away and when she "disappears" I worry because she's isolated. :(
I wish I were able to never hurt her back when it happens.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Beatrice,
'SI' is suicidal ideation.

Ptsd is about fear, so likely it's fear of 'something', but not 'you' in particular (although it seems to appear so). More the feelings or learned experiences from her own past.
It's hard to break through. :(

Please just take care of yourself, she's very fortunate that you are so supportive and forgiving, but she has to manage her own symptoms. You must take care of yourself, it doesn't help anything to have 2 people ill.

Yes, 'self-sabotage' could be a way to put it; unfortunately if it reduces the anxiety she's more likely to opt for it, regardless of cause.

 

[Béatrice]

Thank you Junebug; you're very kind.:)
I wish there were something I could do to reduce the chances of "self-sabotage".
I'm often worried about the possibility of suicidal thoughts, as she once said that her parents would deserve to sit in front of her coffin. :(
Recently she said that she has to take time to deal with her own problems, after having been particularly hurtful. I hope it's a good sign.

 

[Tinyflame]

Beatrice, - she might just be sick 'on her own', too.

 

[Béatrice]

I'm afraid so, even though she says that she's a lot better now, compared to the years of depression.
What is exactly that makes the feelings (sickness) worse by relating to others?
With her I feel like expressing my nice feelings with a megaphone, as if she couldn't hear me.
"Now that you found out that I'm not nice, what do you expect from me?". As if I couldn't like her the way she is.
And then she isolates.
I hope there's a way out even without therapy. She's working on herself all the time, but I don't know exactly how. When I suggested therapy she took it badly.

 

[Tinyflame]

What is exactly that makes the feelings (sickness) worse by relating to others?

.. As if I couldn't like her the way she is.

I would venture a guess stress, vulnerability, expecting a negative reaction. Etc.

I doubt she thinks you do. Or expects you could.

 

[Jami Youngblood]

this is me all the way, I am afraid to let anyone to close because of my illness

 

[Béatrice]

Thank you Junebug. :)
Now after having been a bit apologetic and showing some affection, and after some isolation, she came back as hurtful as before.
I'm completely lost. I know that I have to accept that I can't "save" her; that my affection won't make her happy and "healthy". I was hoping she would have found a nice family in us, finding a sense of belonging and trust.
I've never used what she told me against her, like she does with me. I've been reading everything I could find about this condition to help me deal with it, and I've been insulted for it too. I've been needing psychological help, and my life can't be the same, because I care too much. This all situation is heartbreaking. :( I don't even understand if she would care if I gave up on her. This is why this forum is so helpful; people share important feelings, which is maybe something they can't do with those who are more close to them; I don't know.
There are times when I hardly feel any humanity coming from her words; but in other ways she's full of it. Cruel words, and then she knits something for me....

 

[Tinyflame]

I think she will be able to manage the anger better when she becomes healthier- and likely she feels guilt and shame over it, but also is too fuul-blown to manage it.

Maybe there is a way you can react to her/ think about it differently and feel better about yourself?

Are there reasons/ triggers/ times (also) that seem to preceed her negative reacting?

I would venture a guess she can't trust the small things (due to herself)- therefore the big ones are impossible (to trust in).
Maybe a 'family' is a dangerous/ heartbreaking thought, to her.
Or fear it will be 'lost', why bother?

And yes, likely she wouldn't be upset if you left in so far as she thinks that will be so, anyway. Especially based on her behaviour.

 

[Tinyflame]

Beatrice-just thought: I don't know much about 'knitting' but I do know it takes a while.

So she must feel positive things at a bigger level (over-all) but get overwhelmed with the daily (smaller) ones.

 

[Béatrice]

Thank you Junebug.
I will try to notice if something is triggering it. What I noticed is that it's an escalation. The more we go, the more often she does it. Actually the last 6 months have been unbearable. The first 6 months were very nice, and in between there were ups and down. We've been knowing each other for 3 years.
Yes, receiving something knitted is very touching for me, because as you say it takes time. She's often sending presents, and they're chosen very carefully. :)

 

[friendlybadger]

this is me all the way, I am afraid to let anyone to close because of my illness

I do that too only i use my problems as excuses not to let people get close. When we started getting more serious, back when i was dating H, i told him about my ptsd and panic attacks to try to keep him from getting closer to me.