Brokenchild,
Hun, you did NOT allow it to happen. Look at your OWN words. You were "groomed" for it as far back as your memory goes! That was what you were taught as "normal" that was what you thought was what should be done. That is not the same as allowing it!!!!!!
I know I am repeating something I heard in other posts, but... You can not take responsibility when you were only doing what you learned and felt was normal. The people that should love, protect, and teach you right from wrong are the only ones that should be feeling guilt for what you were put through. You can not use the knowledge that you have since learned about what is "normal" and what's right and wrong and go back in time and feel like you did wrong. You were doing then what you did because it was expected and those in charge of you "groomed" you to feel compelled to do so.
That does not make you wrong. That puts you as the one that was wronged!!!!!
Give yourself credit for seeing now right from wrong. Relieve yourself of any guilt as you deserve none at all.
It makes sense when I read it, but it's just so hard to apply it to myself. Even once I learned in school and whatnot that what was going on was wrong, I still lied and said nothing was going on. It just seems that I should have told.
You said no because you were afraid of them and because you weren't sure that telling the truth would help you. And you can't know if it would have helped you or not. I don't know how things go in these cases, how they proceed with stuff, but what if they left you further with them and they knew you had spoken? They might have killed you. Again, you'll never know what would have happened if you said anything, but you can't blame yourself for not talking. You were simply defending yourself. You were, after all, a child.
Even if they would have killed me, I am almost convinced it would be better than living like I have been living. It's one of the things I have always wondered, why didn't they just kill me, espeically in Prague like they said they were going to?
Where is your fault in this? I don't see it. I just see a child destined to a cruel life because of sick parents. That's all I can see.
I should have told. Even my social worker told me I should have told and they would have made it stop. I'm not the only one who thinks I have at least part of the fault in this.
Again, you didn't allow it to happen, you had no other choice. Concerning your mom... this is going to sound a little cruel, but it should be the other way around: she should be having doubts and feeling sorry for what happened to you. You were the child, not the other way around. What could you have done to save her? You were the child, she was the adult. If she didn't find a way to save you both, what makes you think that you should have? Differentiate, please, between a child and an adult. If there was someone who was allowing for things to happen, then it was the one(s) selling you.
I don't know how long she had been under their control, both psychologically and by drugs. She couldn't even protect herself, let alone me.
I'll agree that my aunt and uncle were the ones doing it, but in not telling, I was allowing it as well.
Changing the way we think about ourselves does not happen over night. I'm guessing that all the abuse has made you feel that you are bad. But you are not bad, the people that abused you are the bad ones.
It seems to more I try to change the way I think, the worse things I think about myself. It's like this is what I'm supposed to think and my mind fights me when I think other, more positive, things.
You didn't 'allow' it to continue. You were scared, you were frightened for your life, so you did what you could to survive. Completely natural, when you were being threatened and tortured. If you had spoken out, there is a very good chance they might have killed you.
I still have trouble believing that what happened what "that bad" and definitely not bad enough to be considered "torture." I don't know if they would have killed me or not. It would have been easier if they had though.
You have said it yourself - you were groomed. That is not your fault. Your mother was being abused too, but she should have protected you. You were the child, who needed protecting. I don't know how many more ways to say this wasn't your fault ;) You were not born to be abused. You were born, and people chose to abuse you. You did nothing to deserve or 'ask' for the abuse. Like I said, it takes time to change how we see ourselves, particularly, I think when a child is brought up, being told they are bad, and being tortured and abused. But please try to start believing it wasn't your fault.
Even thinking that it wasn't my fault, or I didn't deserve it, etc. physically hurts and it makes me very self destructive. That's one reason I don't fight it more. It's not hurting me that much to believe that it was my fault and I physical hurt when I think the opposite, as well as feel a very overwhelming urge to punish myself for even thinking something like that.
If I came to this forum, and had a similar story to tell as you - would you tell me I was bad? Would you tell me it was my fault, for allowing it to happen? I very much doubt it, because you are a good person, who knows right from wrong. People did bad things to you, their choice, their actions - not yours. :hug:
I can see things "right" when it is someone else who was in a similar situation. I just can't see it for myself. Maybe it just hurts to bad and my mind refuses to even go there.
~~~~~
Thanks everyone for responding and talking to me. I really do think I'm a lost cause those. This is one area where I think they may have won.
